30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself

Article written by Marc at Marcandangel.com
When you stop chasing the wrong things you give the right things a chance to catch you.

As Maria Robinson once said, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” Nothing could be closer to the truth. But before you can begin this process of transformation you have to stop doing the things that have been holding you back.

Here are some ideas to get you started:

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.

2. Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on. No, it won’t be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems. That’s not how we’re made. In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.

3. Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself. Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves. Read The Road Less Traveled .

4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. Yes, help others; but help yourself too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.

5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you likeeveryone else. Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you. Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.

6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.

7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success. You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.

8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future. Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.

9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive. But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.

10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either. You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else. Read Stumbling on Happines.

11. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place. Evaluate situations and take decisive action. You cannot change what you refuse to confront. Making progress involves risk. Period! You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.

12. Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.

13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely. It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company. There’s no need to rush. If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.

14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you. But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.

15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others doing better than you. Concentrate on beating your own records every day. Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.

16. Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own. Ask yourself this: “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”

17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you. You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough. But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past. You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation. So smile! Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.

18. Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself! And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too. If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.

19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.

20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway. Just do what you know in your heart is right.

21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.

22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things. The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.

23. Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done. Read Getting Things Done.

24. Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile. Don’t take the easy way out. Do something extraordinary.

25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while. You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well. You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.

26. Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life. When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.

27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out. But making one person smile CAN change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world. So narrow your focus.

28. Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy. One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time? Three years? Five years?” If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.

29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen. Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story. If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.

30. Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life. Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs. Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

CREDIT: Full article written by Marc at Marcandangel.com

the six and the nine

Just took this test called the Enneagram and well....

The Questioner (the Six)

• Questioners are responsible, trustworthy, and value loyalty to family, friends, groups, and causes. Their personalities range broadly from reserved and timid to outspoken and confrontative.

How to Get Along with Me

• Be direct and clear.
• Listen to me carefully.
• Don't judge me for my anxiety.
• Work things through with me.
• Reassure me that everything is OK between us.
• Laugh and make jokes with me.
• Gently push me toward new experiences.
• Try not to overreact to my overreacting.

What I Like About Being a Six

• being committed and faithful to family and friends
• being responsible and hardworking
• being compassionate toward others
• having intellect and wit
• being a nonconformist
• confronting danger bravely
• being direct and assertive

What's Hard About Being a Six

• the constant push and pull involved in trying to make up my mind
• procrastinating because of fear of failure; having little confidence in myself
• fearing being abandoned or taken advantage of
• exhausting myself by worrying and scanning for danger
• wishing I had a rule book at work so I could do everything right
• being too critical of myself when I haven't lived up to my expectations

Sixes as Children Often

are friendly, likable, and dependable, and/or sarcastic, bossy, and stubborn
are anxious and hypervigilant; anticipate danger
form a team of "us against them" with a best friend or parent
look to groups or authorities to protect them and/or question authority and rebel
are neglected or abused, come from unpredictable or alcoholic families, and/or take on the fearfulness of an overly anxious parent

Sixes as Parents

are often loving, nurturing, and have a strong sense of duty
are sometimes reluctant to give their children independence
worry more than most that their children will get hurt
sometimes have trouble saying no and setting boundaries

and

The Peacemaker (the Nine)

• Peacemakers are receptive, good-natured, and supportive. They seek union with others and the world around them.

How to Get Along with Me

• If you want me to do something, how you ask is important. I especially don't like expectations or pressure.
• I like to listen and to be of service, but don't take advatage of this.
• Listen until I finish speaking, even though I meander a bit.
• Give me time to finish things and make decisions. It's OK to nudge me gently and nonjudgmentally.
• Ask me questions to help me get clear.
• Tell me when you like how I look. I'm not averse to flattery.
• Hug me, show physical affection. It opens me up to my feelings.
• I like a good discussion but not a confrontation.
• Let me know you like what I've done or said.
• Laugh with me and share in my enjoyment of life.

What I Like About Being a Nine

• being nonjudgmental and accepting
• caring for and being concerned about others
• being able to relax and have a good time
• knowing that most people enjoy my company; I'm easy to be around
• my ability to see many different sides of an issue and to be a good mediator and facilitator
• my heightened awareness of sensations, aesthetics, and the here and now
• being able to go with the flow and feel one with the universe

What's Hard About Being a Nine

• being judged and misunderstood for being placid and/or indecisive
• being critical of myself for lacking initiative and discipline
• being too sensitive to criticism; taking every raised eyebrow and twitch of the mouth personally
• being confused about what I really want
• caring too much about what others will think of me
• not being listened to or taken seriously

Nines as Children Often

feel ignored and that their wants, opinions, and feelings are unimportant
tune out a lot, especially when others argue
are "good" children: deny anger or keep it to themselves

Nines as Parents

are supportive, kind, and warm
are sometimes overly permissive or nondirective

steps

"In the end, the only steps that matter are the ones you take by yourself."

A song I've never heard by a band I've never heard, on my station on Pandora just sang that. It stuck out to me. Need to contemplate that one for a while.

home is..

I'm jamming (loudly) to Taylor Swift and packing for my house. I am in heaven.

Also, I thought this was funny. My realtor had set up automatic emails for my condo search so whenever something new came on the market or changed price I would get a notification. He forgot to turn that off so I just got an email.

There is NOTHING good on the market in the way of condos.

Who knew I was meant to find a house all along? (I know who knew.) ;o)

I found this gem at a thrift store in Madison last week.

It's going above Jack's food dish in the house.

TDL 10.31.11

The email from The Daily Love was great today. I'll emphasize the parts that very much resonated with me.

What does it mean to take off our masks? Well, it means - start telling the truth. The truth about how you feel. A life lived in and aligned with Truth puts us on a track of thriving that The Uni-verse intended for us when we were born.

Taking off your mask almost means not letting the opinions of your family, friends, loved ones or the world hold more weight and influence over you than the opinion you hold of yourself. Lots of people think they know what's best for you, but the truth is that no one knows better than you do.

Taking off your mask also means no longer pretending to be something or someone in order to get someone else's approval. We celebrate being 100% ourselves and other folks can do with that what they please. It's no longer our concern to play a role that pleases them, if in the process, we abandon ourselves.

Taking off your mask also means no longer playing small. It's time to up your game. The Uni-verse has great big HUGE plans for you. You cannot realize these plans if you keep yourself boxed in with the walls of fear! As my friend Marianne Williamson so famously said, "Who are you NOT to shine your Light? By your shining your Light, you will give others the permission to do so as well".

Taking off your mask means loving who you are, where you are right now. No changes. You are perfect. Yes you are. Own it and act accordingly.

And finally, taking off your mask means keeping promises that you make to yourself. If you want change in your life, make promises and then KEEP them. Low self-esteem doesn't just magically appear. It shows up when we break promises to ourselves. Want Love? Be love-able, let love in, don't push away people that are trying to Love you.

Whatever it is that you are being called to do in this life, you must take off your masks if you want to get there. No longer live for others. No longer play small. Love yourself right where you are and keep your promises to yourself.

wires crossed

God and I must have had our wires crossed.

All this time I've been looking for a condo and just not finding the one. Found a few good ones, but not the one. They all slipped away. I gave up my deadline. Things still weren't moving. I looked at more. Still nothing. Then last Wednesday after looking at 3 condos, I started brainstorming. What if I buy a cute little house, in a safe neighborhood, and put in a security system? I asked my realtor if it was possible. He said very possible. He started the search that night and by Thursday morning had emailed me a list of possibilities. He said look at # such and such 0005 (by this point I was just reading the last 4 digits of the MLS because I was so burnt out on them) so I looked.. yeah, sure, it looked okay.. he asked if I had time to see it that day. My mom and little cousin were coming down to visit, so I said sure, I'll bring my family with. We drive, and I think we beat him there. We walked around the yard, were impressed, my mom starts telling me she'll help me with the hostas, you know, the usual. Then I get a call from him, he's at a different house. He says the MLS number and I said, yeah, I'm pretty sure that's where I am. He said, well, come over to this one and I'll see if we can get into that one after. It was really creepy too, when we got in the car and looked over at the house we were just walking around, there was some guy walking around inside (it was a vacant foreclosure..) so that was a good indicator, not the place.

So we drove over there. As we're driving, I get a voicemail from him that was delayed in getting to me, I listen to it and I think he said "We have lawyer's costs" so I'm freaking out.. oh no, they found out we were walking around the property when we weren't supposed to be.. we were trespassing! Now I'll never get a house! Then I calmed down and started thinking.......... ohhhhhh he said we have WIRES CROSSED. Breathe, Tamara, seriously. Calm the #$%^!! down. (I realized later that both my realtor and I were looking at MLS numbers that ended in 0005, which is why we ended up at different houses. What's the likelihood of that?! I feel like this was God saying "You think you see it all. You think you know what's best for you, but I have things far greater planned for you than you can ever imagine.")

Then we got there. Needless to say, I fell in love instantly. It was so right. I walked in and it smelled like my Grandparents' house. My mom starts firing off questions to my realtor like there's no tomorrow. My little cousin is planning where we'll put my Christmas tree. It cost more than I was hoping to spend (surprise surprise) but I wanted it.

We decided to satiate my initial interest in the other place so we went over to it. It was a DUMP. Seriously. Whatever you think a dump would be like, it was worse. I didn't even want to go in.

So we walked out and I said, well, how do I make this happen. I want this to happen. We crunched the numbers and found a way. It won't be easy, it will be tight, but it will work.

I saw the house at 1:30pm and made an offer by 5pm. The next morning was stressful. Between waiting to hear back from the listing agent and getting ready to have a weekend being personal attendant for my friend's wedding, there was a lot going on. They counter-offered, I counter-offered. My realtor and I went to see it again. Took measurements to make sure my stuff would actually fit and oh wow, it fits like a glove (surprise surprise). Then we went to the credit union to get some earnest money. In the time it took to drive there, they had verbally accepted my offer. I jumped up and down in the parking lot.

In less than 24 hours from stepping foot in the house we had a signed purchase agreement.

The inspection was today, which was also stressful. I haven't been sleeping well for days. It was neat to get to know the house very intimately, but there was a few issues. Nothing structurally or foundationally, but a couple small gas leaks to be tightened/fixed, some electrical/outlet issues, and a few others. Nothing extravagantly huge, but still some things to decide to ask them to fix or not.

Which brings me to this point. I'm talking to my realtor in the morning about what we'll ask them to fix. Need to go over the mortgage details again as well.

Let me tell you, this is one of the most incredibly stressful things I have ever done. I was telling my mom "I am so exhausted. So emotionally drained. It's not awful like a terrible breakup, but it's exhausting and stressful. It's on that level."

I'll need some cocktail of melatonin and sleepytime tea to get any zzz's tonight.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But God and I must have had our wires crossed.

Because all this time I've been looking for a condo, and now I see I was meant to find a house...

on the market(s)

I've wanted to write for a few days now. I've had thoughts of "Oh I need to write that down, that's true.. I need to keep track of that.." and poof, no time. I'll write in bit and pieces as my brain goes.

I cooked for about 3 hours on Saturday. I made 18 meals worth of food. Creamy white chicken chili, beef chili, sloppy joes, vegetable venison barley soup, and spaghetti. When I get on a cooking spree, I go a little crazy. It's to cathartic. I love chopping vegetables individually (you couldn't pay me to use a food processor), and adding them individually (Martha Stewart style). I get geeky about cooking. But seriously, if I had another job and maybe twice as much time as I have I'd love to be a chef. I'm not saying I'm that good, because I don't make everything pretty or anything, but I love cooking.

The condo search is well, still not moving. I've been wavering between frustration and excitement. (Note, neither are patience.) I was feeling pretty good about it, and then I had a dream about a beautiful loft and I was cooking for friends and I felt AMAZING. My heart was content and excited at the same time. My heart was smiling. Well of course then I woke up on a mission - FIND THAT LOFT.. well.. yeah let's be real. Turns out most loft buildings don't allow pets. And that's a deal-breaker, obviously, Jack the Cat needs to come with me, he's part of my life. Needless to say, that loft from my dream hasn't come on the market yet.
I need to remember that just because I'm in the market, doesn't mean my condo is on the market. It's kind of a cruel irony when I'm ready for something and it's not ready for me. Oh hey look, seeing a pattern there? God's timing, not mine. Ahhh again. Sigh. Seriously, I'm catching on to Him.

But I am learning (trying to learn anyway) how to be happy where I'm at. That I really truly am right where I need to be. I have a beautiful room in an amazing old house in (what I consider to be) the greatest neighborhood in the state. I have a lot of blessings to count. But, this is where the full-circle that I learned about 9 months ago comes in...(the one about not always looking on the bright side, but accepting that things make me feel however they make me feel).. Yes, I have a lot of blessings to count, but having my ducks in a row to buy a condo and there not being a condo for me to buy right now is disappointing, and frustrating, and it's okay for me to feel those things as long as I'm not turning in on myself and those are all that I'm feeling. Everything in moderation, right?

So I wait. We'll see what happens. The right place will come along when it does. "It will be right when it's right. You'll know." Everyone keeps saying that. About condos and guys. It's kind of.. well, I've written about how it is.. I believe the word I used was annoying.

But it is hard.. in the guy section recently. It's hard to not feel like there's something wrong with you as a person when you've "got your shit together" as my mom and I say, and it seems like guys my age, well, don't. Or are scared of the fact that I do. Or whatever the stupid reason is. But it's hard to not feel like there's something wrong with you when a lot of your close friends are in relationships and you're not. And maybe, you judge them as being even more broken than you are. Hey, that's honesty. I'm not trying to put anyone down by any means, I'm not that kind of person, but honestly. Okay this is turning into a "why I'm so great" rant and it's really not meant to. If you know me, you know my heart. Moving on.

I have pondered recently (thought not seriously, because I have everything here that I want except this).. but that if I was to move to another state (oh look at that, I'm drawn to the east coast again, in the fall of all times, hrmmm that's never happened before...) that it'd be a lot easier to meet someone because I'd be creating my life from the ground up. No one would know me. Not that there's things for me to be running from, but even just the geographic change changes things. Guys are different on the east coast, proven fact. They're also better looking. Okay, I'm sorry, so many not so nice things today. But it's true. Midwestern women have this Nordic, Scandinavian beauty (or something, I've heard it explained before).. The problem is there is too many good looking women here per capita compared to eligible men. So we're all fighting over the same ones. (AGAIN, just like the condo situation, gaaaaah.) .. oh and on the east coast, men aren't so stinking passive aggressive and if they like you, they tell you. Crazy, I know.

But I've been pondering recently, that perhaps my cynicism toward it all is actually blocking me from getting what I truly desire. I was joking with a friend the other night about getting married. She and I had a good laugh. We said something like "Ha! Marriage! Who wants that?" and then we both cower and mumble under our breath, "Uhhh I do.." And we proceeded to whine about how we want someone to cuddle with on a Friday night and watch a movie at home, and someone to make us dinner.. And honestly, it's true. I want all of it. As much as I joke about marriage and question it (I mean, let's be real, I work with divorce Monday-Friday and have for almost 5 years, so I think I have reason to question marriage).. but as much as I do, I really do want it all. The house with the two dormers upstairs and the white picket fence and the two kids (boy and girl, obviously) and dog and cat. Oh and obviously a handsome (but not too handsome) husband who treats me like a queen (and I treat him like a king, this isn't one-sided).. I want it all. The entire cliche.

And I think my tomboyish, joking, cynical attitude might need to go. You know they say the energy you put out will be the energy you receive.. so when you're being negative, you perceive things as negative, and people will react negatively to you.. well, maybe this is something along those lines.

I look around and see friends of mine who are married and for most of them, how incredibly compatible they are. I really do look at them and say, they are perfect for reach other. And it's that kind of relationship that I want. And I think, oh God, I'm 25 and it hasn't happened yet. But my therapist always says, "You're so young!" not in a demeaning way, but in a you-have-so-much-life-ahead-of-you way. And I've said to her, It's funny because look back on my past, I thought that I'd be married by 22, and maybe having kids by 27 or so. And now when I think about it, I would have been crazy to be married at 22. I have changed so much in those 3 years to where I am now. So to be able to look back and know that not having that in my life was exactly what needed to happen. I should be able to catch on that at some point down the road I'll look back and think it was so good that I wasn't married at 25.

The themes between guys and condos is just.. ridiculous. Thought of another one.. I'm picky, so picky that what I want just isn't out there right now. But I had this thought yesterday, maybe I need to put myself out there more. I guess that works more with guys than condos... but really. And not to be more outgoing, but to be in more situations where meeting people is possible. Ugh even saying that makes me feel pathetic.

I just need to kick this attitude to the curb and move along. Toss it out with the garbage. My life is just that, mine. (Well, God's, you know what I mean.) I'm not a victim. Time to get up, Tamara, and start this new day that has been given to you, as a gift. Treat it as such.

community

I said to God in the car tonight, "I'm onto You. I see what you're doing here."

I was talking about my journey with this whole condo business and how it's, well, not moving. Bad-dum-bum. Not moving. Get it? Right.

Patience smatience. This is just becoming funny to me now.

I had this realization a few days ago that for some reason, or lots of reasons, it's not time for me to live separately just yet. For some reason God has me still living in community.

It's interesting because at the same time that I'm endeavoring to live alone, my friendship with a dear room mate has become so wonderful. We've gone on some great walks recently and have reconnected after both being very busy and having mismatched schedules. Like tonight, we walked and got cake and went to a playground to swing. It was wonderful! Would we have done this if I was already moved? Maybe, but we'd be much less likely to because one of us would have to drive somewhere, and it takes a lot more coordinating.

But these great conversations, memories, quality time, are possible because I'm still living in community.

It's just not time for me to live on my own yet.

And for whatever all the reasons are, I'm appreciating the fact that God's letting me in on that little realization that He really truly is working on something in me here.

paths and circles

It's funny to me how our own paths cross our past paths. Does that make sense? What I mean is, how we were in one place at one time, in what feels to me to be a previous life because I was so different, and then I end up in the same place again years later.

Who would have known that my path would take the twists and turns that it did and lead me back to this same place?

I went on a walk this morning in my neighborhood. The leaves were falling slowly off of the trees so beautifully yellow gold and red. I stole a few of course, to flatten in books. It was a gorgeous morning. And it got me thinking about how the future is so uncertain.

5 1/2 years ago I was sitting in a park with my then boyfriend, reading as he drew a picture of the cathedral for a class he was taking in art school. Who would know that all these years later I would be walking by that park and sitting on the cathedral steps and praying while leaves were falling off the trees?

I think life is neat in that way, things come full circle. But at the time you can't see it.

So that makes me wonder. I see now where I was and how far I've come and how I've been led back to that place.. what happens in another 5 years? Where will I be led back to? What will happen in my life in that time?

Season changes make me think a lot as well. The death and rebirth of nature.. the hibernating that we Minnesotans do in the winter, how we break out of our cuckoons to embrace life again when spring comes.. The letting go of fall as the leaves change and release themselves from trees, the bliss of summer and soaking in every ounce of sun that we possibly can..

It's all cyclical. Death leads to birth leads to death. Opening up and letting go.

I think the key for me is being open to experiences and at the same time trusting that my greatest good is really being worked out before my eyes. In ways that I can see and mostly that I cannot see.

To not be frustrated with where I'm at or where I think I should be but to embrace that, in this moment, I am exactly where I am meant to be.

better off

Funny how when I let go of my condo deadline, I actually don't feel that disappointed when a place I thought would be good actually wasn't. I really do trust that the right place will come at the right time. It won't be a matter of me settling on something. It won't be a matter of me forcing it to happen. It (clearly) won't be on my timeline. Is anything ever? Not really.. but it all always works out, and even better than I would be able to make it happen.

His plan really is better than mine. Only days, months, years after can I look back and say "Wow, I really am better off" because such and such happened, or the relationship with so and so ended, or this or that was delayed for a while. But really, that's all I have to say about the past, it really has been for the best. I've always been better off for whatever happened or didn't.

I'm better off not getting into a condo that's too expensive, too far from work/school, in a less than desirable neighborhood, etc. etc. just because I want it so badly.

Patience, young'n. It'll all happen in due time. His time. It's never really been on your time. <3

deadlines

So I see this massage therapist occasionally (aka not enough) and she is really, really great. Tonight we were talking about condo shopping. I was telling her about my frustrations with a couple great places coming along and then being sold either hours after I saw them or the day I found it online. It's hard to not get discouraged. I'm very particular about what I want and where and all of that, and I should be.. it's my hard-earned money that I'm investing. It's not an overnight kind of decision.

But when I set out I had a goal - before snowfall. Definitely before the end of 2011.

Her advice to me tonight - let go of the deadline.

She said it was holding me back. From fully experiencing everything right now, from trusting in the process, and ultimately, from allowing the right place to come into my life. I have been to focused on it NOT happening yet that I'm not even letting it happen at all.

I'll have to take some time to process it, but I know she's right. I'm blocking myself from what I ultimately want. I keep focusing each day on the fact that it hasn't happened yet, and it's one day closer to winter, and why haven't I found it yet..

Being stuck in this place of frustration isn't helping anything.

So that's the next task.. letting it go. Trusting that God has the right place waiting for me and it will come along in just the right time. (The parallels between condo searching and my love life (lack thereof) is *ahem* annoying, to say the least. But also humorous. At least I can laugh at myself.)

Time for another night's sleep and then two days of a yard sale which will hopefully bring in the dough so I can buy a condo, someday, whenever that might be. :)

shift in space

Do you ever want something (or think you want something) so badly that it's all you can think about?

That's what's happening with me.

Suffice it to say, I've already remodeled a bathroom and painted a bedroom in my day (and night) dreams.

I've been feeling a shift in the last couple of months, a very much coming-into-my-own kind of experience. It's felt VERY good, and very bad at the same time. Growing pains are painful.

As a part of this shift, the idea of buying a condo has been a bug in my brain. Yes, it's recent. I'm taking it.. semi-slow. Getting (too) excited. Falling (deeply) in love with a space that may (or may not) ever become mine. But you know what, life's too short to not fall deeply in love. My heart might get broken, but that's life. It heals, I've seen it do just that.

Today I got a pre-approval for a mortgage (holy crap right?) Such ADULT stuff.

But that's just it. I feel like I'm becoming an adult. Whoa.

My life is my own, my income is my own, and I'm ready for my own  s p a c e

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And then I think, is this God's plan, or is it mine?

BUT.. I'm praying about this along the way, in a way I never have. And things are slowly moving in the right direction.

And the feedback and response from loved ones has been so great. So much support.

I need to accept that it could go either way. This might all NOT work out .. or it might work out in a way that I didn't expect.. actually that's what always happen.. unexpected, and whatever happens is it actually working out, because it will be in my best interest, whatever happens.

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The two main issues are:

1. I need to make more money.
2. The price needs to be lower or they need to short sale for me to snatch it up.

Two HUGE hurdles. But, God can do anything. And I trust that if this is going to happen, it's going to be all about Him and not about me.

As usual.

made me think

This:
 "Don't settle because you're afraid you won't find something better. Don't compromise because you don't want to be alone. Give your perfect life, lover and job time and space to grow into our life. Don't rush, don't hurry. Take your time, be easy, have patience. Allow everything to come to you with your subtle guiding and intending. Your days of constant chasing with little reward are over. Everything you've ever wanted and more is coming to you, you just have to let it in with love, receptivity and non-judgment. Letting it in is how you become it."   --Jackson Kiddard

And this:
How to Live a Great Love Story - Don Miller's blog
(This was a really great blog post of his, but he got a lot of criticism about it (stupid) so he took it down. I want to leave this as a reminder that he said he's going to change some and repost it.)

future

This made me laugh, in a "Oh crap. He's right." kind of way.

"The future is ALWAYS uncertain, yet our perception changes of it daily."

-The Daily Love for 8.6.2011

qualities, expressed

Make a list of all the things you wish other people would see about you.

I am caring, loving, compassionate, funny, talented, smart, faithful, loyal, generous, supportive, creative, knowledgeable, trusting, trustworthy, genuine, happy, real, silly, unique, sweet, dorky, quirky, patient, impatient, and a great listener.

Now, ask yourself if you are demonstrating these qualities towards yourself?

Well the easy, knee-jerk answer is NO. And maybe that is the real, thought-through answer too. I feel like especially in the last few weeks I've been too busy to even sit down at home, let alone read a book or anything else that fills me up. I mean, everything (most everything I guess) that I've been running around doing fills me up. Being with friends, learning, music, working, though sometimes stressful, are all things I very very much enjoy doing. But resting is not included in that busy schedule. So when I don't take time to rest, I don't take much care of my spirit.

So, how would you act if you were actually demonstrating these qualities? That version of you is who will attract people who see you. When you see you, other people will too.

I would be 100% authentically me. I think this is starting to happen each day more and more. I think out of fear I have kept parts of me hidden, or subdued. Something like if I show who I really am and be vulnerable people won't like it.. which is really backwards, because then I'm hiding GOOD qualities.. who isn't going to love good qualities?? Do I really want those people in my life?

They say that the energy you put out is the energy you will receive in return. I like all of those qualities of me I listed above. I want people to know those things about me. And I want to receive them from other people. I'm happy to be on this journey to expressing on the outside who I am on the inside. 

When we try to prove ourselves to others, it is because we do not see our great qualities and are not giving these qualities to ourselves. Once we do, we step into a new paradigm and walk away from trying to prove ourselves and step into just being ourselves.

(from The Daily Love this morning)

me, loving me

"When we love ourselves, we remember that rejection is protection. 
When we love ourselves we are careful whom we give our hearts to. 
When we love ourselves, we see every event of our lives as lessons and know that there are no shortages in The Uni-verse. We know that if it doesn't work out something greater is on the way."
-The Daily Love on 7.24.2011

growing

It's kind of neat when people notice a change in you and it's one you're really happy about.

free

I've had some large and eye-opening experiences lately.

In a great way.

It's been a snowball of a few different things that have made me think very differently than I was, and it has helped to diffuse a lot of the anxiety and stress that I was feeling.

The funny thing is, very little has actually changed about my day-to-day.. except my attitude. And my approach.

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So it started with yoga. Three weeks ago I started doing yoga on Wednesday mornings at a community center near my house. The teacher is amazing. Calming, inspirational, everything. And it's cheap, which is great. And I'm supporting a local organization in my community. Wonderful.

But it really has affected my breathing.. and really just how I am in my body. I consciously notice my shoulders when they are tense, and I breathe space into them and let them sink back to where they should be. I do stretches in the morning and breathe. It has seriously slowed down my resting heart rate. Kid you not. If you haven't done yoga, you really should. And don't let a few not so great experiences or teachers let you shy away from it altogether. It took some bad experiences for me to come along to the place where I am now.

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Next was a conversation with a great friend and mentor of mine. I had expressed to her that I was feeling like I was hitting a wall on all of my commitments. I'm the kind of person that if I can't give something my all, my 100%, then I don't want to do it at all. I don't do things half-heartedly. At the same time, I have a hard time saying No, especially to things that are good or fun or helping others. So I over-commit. It's not inherently bad, it's just that I reached my breaking point. I was exhausted and overwhelmed. We had coffee and were talking about it. I realized during the conversation an important distinction that I (and a lot of people) need to make.

There is a difference between being busy and feeling frantic.

Busy, your time is full, you have things going on, you have a lot on your plate, you have little free time, you are going going going. You might also feel frantic, but you don't have to.

Frantic, you feel frenzied, tired, overwhelmed, crazy, zany, (for me, in the moments when I feel frantic, I flail my arms a lot when I'm talking about everything I'm doing).

However, feeling frantic is optional. It's a by-product. It's not inherent. I'd dare to say you can choose to feel frantic or not.

Some feel frantic and aren't actually busy. They just exaggerate or are dramatic. I, however, am legitimately busy. I work full time, go to grad school full time (technically, I found out they are changing the standards this fall so I am full time), volunteer, and try to maintain hobbies, friendships, family time, and a percentage of sanity while doing all of this.

See, that's the thing right there. Even saying "a percentage of sanity" .. that's frantic. Hmm. It's something I'm consciously noticing now.

But my big epiphany in that conversation was that
I can be busy, but I do not have to be frantic.

It's a choice. It's an attitude. It's an approach.

And guess what, it was not working for me.

I was hating each day because I felt like my life was one big To Do list and I was NOT getting it all done. And what I was getting done, was not up to the standards that I have set for myself. I was not a happy camper.

But this realization, that I don't have to feel frantic, was so freeing, so liberating.

This life that I lead, I have chosen. I choose my job (that I love), I choose my grad school (that I love), I choose my church, my family, my friends, my hobbies. It's all what I want in my life. There is nothing bad in any of it. I want everything that's included. And I can have it, minus feeling frantic.

Now when I look out at the trajectory of my week, to be honest, the days blend together and I tend to forget which day it is because I'm not looking at it as a chore.. a list. It's just one flow of existence. With purpose.

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Next was this post about introverts.

I'm not sure why, but I've always felt .. ashamed.. disappointed.. something.. at the thought of me being an introvert. I think I felt weak.

All of which, obviously, are lies.

But that post really showed me that I'm not crazy, I'm not alone, and there are tons of people like me (a lot of my friends).

The thing is, in social interactions with people who don't know me very well, I tend to feel very misunderstood. People think I'm crabby when I'm actually quite happy, I'm just not talking talking talking (Myths 1 and 2). I hate it when some stranger will tell me "Oh cheer up and smile!" when I'm at a show or something. I honestly want to scream at them and say "You have no idea how happy I am! I don't need to just stand here smiling all the time! Who does that!" Seriously. I want to say that. It happens often, in fact it happened just last night. Someone mocked me as if I was just sitting there with my arms crossed looking grumpy. I wasn't. I was sitting there, thinking, and enjoying the live music I was seeing. It's frustrating when people think that others operate exactly like they do and if someone isn't, then something must be wrong. Not true.

I think that a lot of behavior or lack of for introverts is largely misunderstood. And for the most part, unwelcome. As if anytime I'm in a group, I have to be talking. Anytime I'm at an activity, I have to be smiling otherwise I'm not having fun. None of that is true.

So to read that post, and to realize, those qualities.. are who I am. And it's not about changing myself, but being myself. Unapologetically. Who do I need to be anyone else for? Who am I trying to please? What's the point?

I used to have thoughts of.. I don't like such and such quality about me.. I need to be more outgoing.. more this, more that.. Or maybe, I need to just be myself. And the people who are to love me, will love me for ME. Not for some weird projection of an idea of who I think others want me to be. What's the point of that?

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The latest freeing thing was at work. I did my DISC assessment and went over it with my boss. Take a guess at what I am..

Drum roll please.....

Conscientious. A verrrry strong C. I like details and I like to work alone. I like my interactions at work to be professional. I can be perceived as cold and unfriendly because of that. I am a perfectionist. I don't like criticism, I take it very personally.

To read through those things with my boss.. and talk about what it's saying about how to work with me, how I thrive, where I have issues, how to praise me, how to challenge me.. it was all so spot-on. It's as if seeing it on paper really made it real, and okay. It gave me permission to be me. It showed me, I'm not crazy. This is who I am. This is how I work. Everyone's different, and this is how it is for me.

I figured out that my boss is a D, and that's part of why we work so well together.

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All of this adds up to a lot of freedom for me.

I can breathe, relax, take it all in, know that it will all get done when it needs to get done (because you know what? IT ALWAYS HAS), and just enjoy what I have in front of me in this moment.

I have learned to say no, to be realistic about my limits to my energy, my time, my abilities. I'm learning to not stretch myself so thin.

I want to treasure the people, things, and hobbies that I have in my life. I don't want to dread each day because I feel so overwhelmed and tired. And the beautiful thing is, I don't have to feel that way.
Each day is a choice. And I choose to feel        f r e e

never forsaken

Wow, My Utmost For His Highest was great today:

"What line of thinking do my thoughts take? Do I turn to what God says or to my own fears? Am I simply repeating what God says, or am I learning to truly hear Him and then to respond after I have heard what He says?  "For He Himself has said, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you.' So we may boldly say: " The Lord is my helper, I will not fear. What can man do to me?" Hebrews 13:5-6

"I will never leave you..." - not for any reason; not my sin, selfishness, stubbornness, nor waywardness. Have I really let God say to me that He will never leave me? If I have not truly heard this assurance of God, then let me listen again.

"I will never...forsake you." Sometimes it is not the difficulty of life but the drudgery of it that makes me think God will forsake me. When there is no major difficult to over come, no vision from God, nothing wonderful or beautiful - just the everyday activities of life - do I hear God's assurance even in these?

We have the idea that God is going to do some exceptional thing - that He is preparing and equipping us for some extraordinary work in the future. But as we grow in His grace we find that God is glorifying Himself here and now, at this very moment. If we have God's assurance behind us, the most amazing strength becomes ours, and we learn to sing, glorifying Him even in the ordinary days and ways of life.

forgiveness

This made me go "Hmm.." It's from The Daily Love email I get.

"The only way to learn forgiveness is to be betrayed. You might understand the intellectual concept of forgiveness, but you will only learn how to truly forgive when someone has done something that requires you to love them and let it go. Life demands these hurtful experiences for you to learn how forgiveness feels, it could be no other way. If there is anyone in your life that you must forgive, instead of seeing them as someone who has hurt you, try to see them as someone who was sent to teach you forgiveness and thank them for this precious gift - then forgive them, and let it go."
- Jackson Kiddard

more me, less you

I've noticed recently that every single time someone asks me how I am, I give the answer (very quickly) of "I'm good! How are you??".. now.. I know about myself, that I'm recovering from the "I'm Fine" Syndrome. In the meantime, my habit exists.

And really.. this habit is exactly what the problem is.

The quick (not always honest) answer about me, and then the more genuine concern about them.

The "I don't have any problems, but I'd love to hear yours."

Therefore, I am going to challenge myself.

In the next.. well.. couple of days? Week? Something do-able. I'm going to give a different answer.

1. Be honest
2. No asking about them

Now at first thought, this feels really awful to me. I want to know how someone else is doing. But it's as if I need to cut myself off, cold turkey, to learn this lesson.

That it's okay for someone else to care about you, and to bask in that. Let that be. Live in it. Enjoy it. Savor it. Don't just give a 1 cent answer and then shift concern back to them. Appreciate the fact that they care enough to ask how you are.

It's harder than it sounds.

2 Corinthians 3

So in the morning I'm reading My Utmost For His Highest and also a chapter or two in the Voice translation of the Bible. I've worked through John, Romans and 1 Corinthians. I'm in 2 Corinthians now. I really like how it gives some background of what's going on and why Paul is writing the letters and who he's writing them to. If I've learned anything in the last year or so it's that context is SO important. Vital, really. I say in the last year because I really feel like that's when I've started to dive in to the Bible and wanted to know more.

Today I read 2 Corinthians 2 and 3 and whoa. 3 in particular.

Paul is writing to the church in Corinth in a time where they were struggling as a church and also struggling to trust him.

2 Corinthians 3:3
You are the living letter of the Liberating King, nurture by us and inscribed, not with ink, but with the Spirit of the Living God - a letter too passionate to be chiseled onto stone tablets, but emblazoned upon the human heart.

Whewy. Emblazoned upon the human heart. Do you ever get that feeling that when someone explains something or you see a car crash scene or something, that you feel that pain or whatever that person described? That's what I feel in that sentence. I feel something on my heart, in my chest.

2 Corinthians 3:4-6
This is the kind of confidence we have in and through the Liberating King toward our God. Don't be mistaken; in and of ourselves we know we have little to offer, but any competence or value we have comes from God. Now God has equipped us to be capable servants of the new covenant, not by authority of the written law which only brings death, but by the Spirit who brings life.

Again, whewy! Confidence.. competence.. equipped.. Big words for me. ..the Spirit who brings life. Love it.

2 Corinthians 3: 12
In light of this hope that we have, we act with great confidence and speak with great courage.

Again with the confidence.. and courage. Wow.

2 Corinthians 3: 17-18
By any heart where the Spirit of the Lord is present, there is liberty. Now all of us, with our faces unveiled (ohhh notice how he doesn't just say "Now us men" or anything about women being veiled.. interesting.. I'm learning about the different ways the church has used different scripture passages to hurt women and downplay our role in the church.. tangent.), are transfixed by the glory of the Lord, gazing - like we'd gaze into a mirror - at His splendor, and so we are being transformed, metamorphosed, into His same image from one radiance of glory into another, just as the Spirit of the Lord accomplishes it.

Who accomplishes it? Ohhh the Spirit of the Lord? Not me? Oh to let go and trust God, huh? :) I'm off the hook really. It's not something I need to do. It's something I trust Him to do. I think that sounds like a lovely plan. <3

no [self] condemnation

Go here if you want to listen to the most honest conversation I have ever had in front of a large group of people.

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I'm not sure where I got this poem, but I had it in a book that I lent to my mom recently. I think it fits well with the topic above..

Eternal Purposes 
     Hold thou fast, for lo, I am with thee;
     Stand thou still, for I am thy God.
     Be thou quiet before Me,
     For I have arranged all things for thee
     according to My good will,
     yea, according to Mine eternal purposes.
  
     For I have purposes and plans and desires
     which reach far beyond thy present view.
     Thou seest as it were the immediate situation,
     but My thoughts for thee,
     and My planning for thee,
     embraces eternity.
     Yea, thou art in My hand.
     Rest there, and leave all else to Me.
 

holding on

Praying as I fall asleep is definitely one of my most favorite things to do. If not my favorite. There really is a peace the surpasses all understanding.

As I was praying and thinking tonight.. I was asking God to remove some things that I've been holding onto.. some anger.. some resentment.. some grudges perhaps.. though I don't think we have a universal understanding of what it means to hold a grudge.. But just holding onto some junk based on hurt.

And the thing is, that doesn't serve me. That person is not worth my time or energy. Feeling angry is only hurting myself. Yeah yeah, I need to feel everything. I get that. And I am. But this is beyond feeling it. It's viscerally holding onto it. As if doing so will make me feel better, or make them feel worse.. Obviously, neither are true.

So I breathe. I breathe and let go. Because letting go isn't just about things that you were holding onto, but things that were holding onto you.

This anger was holding onto me. And noticeably in the last couple of weeks I have been grumpier and overall just.. bleh. And I don't want to be bleh. I am fed up with bleh. Life is too short. I'm going to be 25 in a couple months for goodness sake.. (time's running out, right? ;o) )

The point is, it's not worth it. There is nothing to gain and everything to lose.

It's a decision, and I'm making it. I will not hold on, and I will not allow it to hold on to me. I release it, into the air. Into the sky. It's not mine. I don't want it.

a portrait of Christ

A Portrait of Christ from Jeremy Cowart on Vimeo.

LIKE. Big time. This is really neat.

I AM

Saw this movie last week. Go see it. Let's change the world.

One line that really stuck out to me, that has been playing in my head ever since..

God says, "I need you. You're all I've got."

He needs me. He needs to use me. He needs me to do His work. I think so often we just focus on us needing God, and yes, obviously we do. I don't want to discount that. But how often do we turn it around and think about how He needs us?

As I've been thinking about it it's really empowered me. It's challenging me to step up to the plate and assume the position within the Body of Christ where He is calling me to be and to live out the life that He has given me. He needs me. I need Him. We depend on each other.

He needs to use people on this earth to bring about His love and His mission. That's why we're here. And how amazing is it that I get to be a part of that.

choosy

Seriously. God puts exactly what I need to hear right in front of me.

My Utmost For His Highest today:
Many of us suffer from the unbalanced tendency to "be ready" only out of season. The season does not refer to time; it refers to us. This verse [2 Timothy 4:2] says, "Preach the Words! Be ready in season and out of season." In other words, we should "be ready" whether we feel like it or not. If we do only what we feeling inclined to do, some of us would never do anything...The proof that our relationship is right with God is that we do our best whether we feel inspired or not.

I've been feeling choosy lately. Like, sure God, You can use me, but only when I feel like it. Or only when I really feel like it's something I'm good at. Or I really feel Your anointing on it.

Umm, as if there was any doubt, He works in ways I do not see. That means that I might not feel prepared, but I am. Human feelings cannot detect all the things that God is doing. We can't comprehend it.

Then in 1 Corinthians 1:5-9...
In this grace, God is enriching every aspect of your lives by gifting you with the right words to say and everything you need to know. In this way, your life story confirms that life story of the Liberating King, so you are not ill-equipped or slighted on any necessary gifts as you patiently anticipate the day when our Liberator, the Lord Jesus, is revealed. Until that final day, He will preserve you, and on that day, He will consider you faultless. Count on this: God is faithful and in His faithfulness called you into an intimate relationship with His Son, our Lord Jesus, the Liberating King. 

How often to we feel ill-equipped. I've found myself saying "Yeah.. God.. about that, I don't know.." and not huge things, but little ones.

I think it comes back to trust. I need to trust in His faithfulness. I need to relinquish my desire to understand and know ahead of time what He wants me to be doing or how He's going to be using me.

remade

Woke up with this song in my head. I've thought of it a lot lately. I've felt a bit unengaged with life again in the last few weeks. Sleeping a lot.. just kind of dragging. But I got a kick in my butt early this week that has shown me [again] that life goes on, with or without me participating in it. And I have some fantastically beautiful things in my life, and they deserve to have my all. And I deserve to experience all that God has placed in my life.

Final thought: Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes you see why later, sometimes never. But I thank God that He has His plan figured out for me and is piecing it together. Pain and all. I couldn't have planned it the way He has.

life

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on."
- Robert Frost

Love Wins

Finished Love Wins last night. Whoa. So good.

Here are my thoughts from the top of my head after finishing it. (I sent this to the pastor who wanted to discuss it with me as well).

I loved it. I found it insightful, thought-provoking, freeing, hopeful, and more.

I think open discussion is key and putting people in boxes gets us nowhere.

I think that people are threatened because what he posits challenges the religious dogma that many have come to embrace and force on others for fear of hell, when we're called to embrace life.

He believes in heaven and hell, here and later.

He believes in choice and is not universalist.

The reality is, hell could be empty. God could win everyone over. We don't know a person's heart in this life, at their dying breath, or in the next life. Rob raises the question of post-mortem decisions. That's where his ultimate statement comes from is that in the end love wins people over. That God could reconcile everyone to Himself post-mortally. And really, the God I love and trust is big enough to do ANYTHING, including that.

He doesn't go against what I've learned in the Bible, but challenges statements that have been made that are culturally-bound and are not necessarily from the Bible or have been taken out of context.

That all being said, we all have biases. I went into this biased because I very much enjoy his books and I have learned and come to see God in an expanded and wonderful way. And I know in my heart and my relationship with God that what I've come to believe is not misleading.

There are things that he said that challenged me to think and pray about what I believe. I'm learning as I go, which I think anyone is, and I trust God to lead my heart to the right conclusions or leave it open to possibilities where there are no conclusions. Reading this book has inspired me to dig deeper into the Bible and look at the context of what was taking place when it was written and to look deep at my faith, which has been a wonderful experience.

As I've been reading a lot lately, I've learned that the key to reading Christian or faith-based books etc is discernment. Knowing that no book outside of the Bible is God's Word and that humans write imperfectly. Obviously not every book out there is truth. I pray and trust God to give me discernment as I am reading books so as to know what I accept as truth and what to question instead.

Rob's theology doesn't need to be anyone else's. I still sleep at night knowing that I don't agree with some writers who tens of thousands of people revere. I think this life is full of questions that we won't get answers to until we see God in Heaven. But for now we should be able to discuss them without symbolically excommunicating each other.

That's my 2 cents. He's coming to town on Monday and I'm excited to hear him speak.

One Day Without Shoes

Today's the day. Thank God there is almost no snow on the ground. And it's sunny. Here are my thoughts and observations throughout the day.

Leaving the house barefoot felt odd from the beginning, but a little exciting. I brought my TOMS along because I know we have a footwear policy at work and even though we're fairly grassroots, no shoes wouldn't fly. The sidewalks outside my house were freezing! But honestly it felt kind of good. I was scared walking around my car parked on the street though, since there's all kinds of debris around there.. glass and such. Driving without shoes is great, I frequently do that so that wasn't new. Walking into work was brutal. Our parking lot is full of junk and it's not the nice, small grain cement like a sidewalk, it's big chunks.. it was freezing! All the while I'm telling myself, hey, you're exfoliating your feet.. for free even! Made me feel a little better, but just a little.

Had to wear my shoes at work, but since they're TOMS I feel like I'm still supporting the cause. ;) I'm wearing my shoes as little as possible. It was Takeout Tuesday at work so we had to go pick up food so rather than get kicked out of the restaurant, I caved and wore my shoes. It kind of bugged me but I get the point, food safety, blah blah blah. ;)

So far it hasn't been too bad. The worst was the parking lot and thinking about the little shards of glass that are probably embedded in my feet now. But it's really making me think about what other counties endure without shoes, especially children.

Overall, the day wasn't so bad. I was a little disappointed that I didn't have more conversations with people about it. If I had worked from home I probably would have ran errands and whatnot..

But the huge thing that kept that from happening is all the rules about no shirt - no shoes - no service. Makes a day without shoes, well, impossible.

Either way, it did some work in my heart to think about the fact that I wear shoes every day. And not only that, I have A LOT of shoes. Too many? Probably. I'm a girl, what can I say. Shoes and purses. But they're all from the thrift store or garage sales so I'm recycling and reusing.. and paying about $3 a piece. Can't shake a stick at that.

Let's all think about what it means to have what we do. We are privileged. Really. When I usually think of being "privileged" I think of people who live in mansions and drive Ferraris. But that's not really true. It's a privilege to have clean drinking water, shoes, a bed to sleep in at night. Clothes! To think of all the times I stand in front my of closet and think "Ugh I have nothing to wear." Umm, no. Not true. What a burden to have so many options.

Join me in thinking about what it means to want less.

discernment

I've been thinking about this often in the last few months when I've been a reading fiend but especially lately.

It's important when we're reading books outside of the Bible to have God's discernment as to truth and untruth. 

In reading My Utmost For His Highest by Oswald Chambers, I have found things that I think are untruths. His interpretation of the Bible or of Christian lifestyle doesn't always fit with what I understand to be true.

And what I understand to be true will grow and mature as I do. That's logical.

But it's important when reading a fiction book, such as that or Love Wins or anything written by a human today, that it is not the Bible. Even their interpretation and stance on what the Bible says might not be true, and yes might lead some people astray. Which is where the heresy part comes in, and why that accusation against Rob Bell is that charged and controversial.

In reading any book we have to (and can't really choose not to) read it through the lenses of who we are right now, in light of our experiences, and in light of what we understand to be true. It will change with time. But right now that's what we've got.

We need to pray for God's discernment in all areas of life, but particularly lately I've been thinking about the books I read.

Each book outside of the Bible is one person's theology. It doesn't have to be mine. In some cases it shouldn't be.

I believe God speaks to our hearts. We can ask Him to show us what to believe. We can get insight from other people, but ultimately, God speaks the truth.

warning: this is a rant

So. I got a little fired up again today. Aforementioned former youth pastor posted on my fb wall today, a really poorly and abruptly moderated interview with Rob Bell. This as part of his justification of why he "struggles" with the book (that he hasn't read).

I got so... angry? Frustrated? These negative emotions and actually feeling them is still semi-foreign to me so naming them is hard. I can tell you my heart started to race, I felt my face get a little hot, my shoulders got tense, and I probably made a really ugly-looking face (which isn't hard for me, it runs in my family.. women with faces that are difficult to read and usually don't match our emotions).. That was my reaction.

I was walking home from the hardware store at the time when I saw that he posted it so I watch the video when I got home. But all the walk home I was fuming (now understand, "fuming" for me is quite subdued I think compared to others). But I got to thinking about it.. and as a pastor, I am going to be challenged and disagreed with A LOT. This is just the beginning. AND, he doesn't even know that I disagree, well I suppose he does since I posted a link about the book and said I was excited to read it.. but I never said that I've read it and agreed. Interesting distinction.

Anyway. I got to thinking.. Who can I call to talk through this before I react? Sometimes I can react too quickly and not completely think through what I am thinking/feeling before I say something. I thought I needed some guidance to this. I feel like short of my friends (who pretty much either believe almost exactly what I do or don't really believe in God so this hasn't really come up) I don't really have someone who would disagree and voice it about something in our mutual faith world. And this situation is especially troublesome because there is a history with him, as knowing him for 10+ years and him still being at the church my parents go to and whatnot. So there are politics involved. Oh and not to mention it's on fb and quite public. There's a lot going into the thought behind how to respond (or not respond).

So as I'm thinking, who should I talk to, it struck me. DUH. Talk to God. Come on Tamara. Talk about ultimate guidance.

So I did something that has felt VERY powerful in the last few months. I kneeled beside my bed, with my hands outstretched and open and just had a lovely chat with God. Mind you, in the last few months the talks haven't all been lovely.. most have involved bawling and some yelling. But this one was rather great. Crying out to God feels pretty amazing. The fact that we can have direct communication with the God of the Universe astounds me.

And He gave me a peace. It's not about one man's opinion. This youth pastor's or Rob Bell's. Truth is truth. God reveals truth. Does he use men and women to do that? Sure. Does He still today? Sure. And He gives us discernment as to what is His truth and what is not. If we can't trust Him to do that, we've put Him in quite a tiny box and I think that is incredibly unfortunate.

My question back to him was simple: Have you read the book?

With that, I let it go. I went about my day. I will not let another person's (ahem biased and incorrect (oh wait did I say that?)) opinion control my demeanor toward others or my outlook on the day. No one deserves that power. I used to love to give people that power without realizing it. Now THAT is not living.

He wrote a response about how busy he is with Seminary reading (oh dropping a line about how you're becoming a great master of the Word) but intends to read it. But that from the excerpts He's read and commentary, he said he knows the premise of the book. He then wrote a quote from an email he sent to someone in his church regarding the book (and he included her name, and I know her, I think he should have omitted that).. but the interesting thing is I don't disagree with most of what he said. That being said, the things he's saying about the book (I think) should be entirely dismissed because he has not read the book.

I think I ... fairly respectfully summed my ideas up in my response:

"With all due respect to you and others who haven't read the book and made comments about it, I don't think it's right to judge a book by it's cover and certainly not from piecing it together or possibly biased commentary (some of the blogs ...have been outright hate-filled). It's one person's theology, it doesn't have to be yours [you or society collective]. I don't think anyone on this earth today has the be-all-end-all truth that they can write in a book and we should all follow (short of the Bible and that wasn't written by someone in this world today, March 23, 2011), and we shouldn't elevate a person to that standing. That said, I think asking some difficult questions is important and we should all think about what we believe or don't believe, and shouldn't be so threatened by one man saying that he might believe something that you don't agree with. I'm sick of Christians being so hateful toward one another because they interpret something differently. It sets a very poor example of what being a Christian is about. "Oh look at those Christians, they even hate their own kind, how do you think they feel about people who don't believe in Christ?" Yup, so that's a rant. Long story short, I'm in the middle of reading the book and so far he's saying some very thought-provoking statements about what we have understood about heaven and hell and I might not agree with it in the end, or I might, but I think it's a great opportunity to think."

I mean, good heavens. If we based what we thought about books from a few excerpts and commentary, who would want to read the Bible??? Anyone can bend anything in the direction that they want to. Pick out the excerpts in the Bible about the law and God's judgment and wrath and have someone read those and then think "Wow, what a great book, I'd love to read the rest of it." Please.

Okay, wow. I realize this is intense and maybe I should have kept it on my private blog but it's honest, and real. And I don't think I'm saying anything new or controversial. And you know what, even if I was, so be it. Let's stir up some controversy. Let's shake loose some of the cobwebs that have settled in our minds. We don't all have to agree. There will never be a consensus about everything. That's part of the beauty of being created as individuals. And for goodness sake, if someone is saying that God is loving, why wouldn't we want to believe that? 

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Addendum 3/25/2011:

After I posted this and kept thinking about it, I realized it was still a bit reactionary and maybe not the place to have this kind of dialogue. I'm not sure how I feel about it. That being said, from the get-go I said this blog would be uncensored (no going back and taking things out).. so here it will stay.

But I don't want to be a person who rags on other people who feel differently than me. Ultimately, I was upset that this pastor felt differently about something that he hadn't actually read himself. My real frustration was with just that, that he hadn't read it and was making claims about it. It's something that has frustrated me about the cultural landscape around this book this entire time. I guess having it hit so close to home really brought up some strong feelings for me.

In the end, he ended up saying that it was a fair assessment and he needs to read the book. That he likes to have discussions and wishes that Christians could do that more often without being hateful. He asked me to let him know what I thought of the book. I intend to, and that could be interesting. Or maybe it will just be a discussion where we agree to disagree. I'm not done with the book so I can't give a fair assessment of what I think yet.

And even better yet, this back and forth discussion with this pastor spurred a conversation with my brother. He asked me who the jerk was on fb (now that is censored..) and I explained briefly what it was about, and he knows the pastor too and shared his feelings about him. (I'm not here to degrade the character of this pastor, my goodness, not by any means. I can disagree with someone and not think less of them as a human being).

So I explained to my brother some of the discourse that is going on in the Christian community. I explained a little about the book and how it's shaken some people up and they feel threatened (or that their dogma is threatened). I explained that Jesus calls us to love others, not hate them. He said that he can't stand religion because he's been told he's going to hell because he isn't a "lemming" (his words). It broke my heart.

I have friends who have been told at some point in their life that they are going to hell for one reason or another (which, they aren't). I fortunately have not been told that. Through no accomplishment of my own, it just hasn't happened (yet? maybe someday?). A friend of mine (actually the one who brought me to youth group and was like a sister to me for many years) was told she was going to hell because she didn't speak in tongues. That's what I'm talking about.. outrageous.

So my brother and I. I explained to him that religion is about rules, faith is about freedom. Jesus didn't come to just make the law more strong, He came to fulfill it. We are called to love one another. I told him I agree, religion and thinking that you have to give up your mind or your individual uniqueness only to follow-suit is bad. He said "No, I know. You get it. Just keep doing what you're doing." I let him know I plan on it.

It touched my heart. And it hurt a lot too. It aches that someone has hurt him so much that he feels like he can't have any part of it, that he doesn't want to have any part of it. He's been on my heart the last couple of months. I pray that I might be a light to him. That I can show him what Jesus is really all about. That life with God is so fulfilling, so amazing, nothing like what it is without him. That it's not just about where he spends eternity after he dies, but how he can have abundant life now. Lord, please use me.

transportation

On this wintry day when everyone's writing about how many accidents they saw and how long it took them to get to work it got me thinking..

What was life like before transportation as we know it today?

People lived locally. They walked where they needed to go. Maybe they used horses. They grew their own vegetables, raised their own animals to eat. They traded with neighbors who raised the other things that they needed. They enjoyed time together as a family because their kids weren't each involved in 7 sports/arts activities. They knew each other, well. They trusted each other because they knew that they needed to depend on each other.

They didn't have cars to drive them to the other side of the metro area just because they wanted to go to the one restaurant over there and well, why not? They didn't drive extra far to go to the gas station with $.05 less. (In the end, are you really saving money if you drove 5 miles out of your way? Probably not. I've never understood that.) They didn't spend time with 5 different people in one day and pack their schedule so incredibly full that they didn't have time to really find out how ONE friend is doing.

I wish I could go back. I wish I HAD to shop at the grocery store down the street from me. I wish I had no option but to get to know my neighbors and depend on them for more than the very occasional favor of helping me shovel out my car and push it out of my parking spot on the street.

I'm brainstorming an experiment for myself. I don't know how practical it is though.

Could I go ONE WEEK without using my car? If so, could I go ONE MONTH?

Even right this minute I'm thinking of excuses why I couldn't. I have commitments in other cities that would be really hard to get to using public transportation. This coming from the girl who DOES NOT understand the transportation here, but is fully confident about using the subway in NYC, the metro in DC,  etc. Hmm. Something to work on.

Off to WALK to buy a gallon of milk and a shovel for my room mate to get her car out. I'll be thinking a lot as I walk.

right now

I watched a Rob Bell video last night from the Nooma series called "Today". He talked about how often we live in the past and think of the "good times" and oh how remember when.. oh those were the days weren't they? How we hold onto things, memories, people, and lose track of living today.

I was thinking about it as I was walking home today after buying some milk at a store by my house. I was looking around at the apartment buildings and houses. Thinking about how great it will be when I'm a therapist.. and what it'll be like to be a pastor.. and what writing my final paper will be like for grad school.. and what it'll be like when I own a house and a dog...

Don't get me wrong, it's good to think about those things. But I feel like I've been thinking like that a lot lately. Focusing on what the future will be like, or thinking about what the past was like.

Then I stopped. I thought about how cool it is that I live in one of the greatest cities in the country (in my humble opinion anyway) and about all of the amazing blessings I have in my life right now. This moment. Not 3 months ago, not 3 years from now. Right now. I am so blessed I can't even stand it.

We miss out on what is happening right now when we're looking backwards or forwards. Appreciate the past, be excited about the future, but live right now.

explain it

So I'm very excited for this new book coming out, called Love Wins: A Book About Heaven, Hell, and the Fate of Every Person Who Ever Lived by Rob Bell. I've read a couple of his books and really enjoyed them. This new book is causing a lot of controversy (though it hasn't even been released yet.. [read: hasn't been read yet by almost anyone]).. But I've very much enjoyed his books in the past so I look forward to reading his new one. I pre-ordered it today. Yay!

But this is interesting. I realized today how quickly I can get fired up. And really, I didn't get that fired up. Just a little.

But I posted a status on fb about pre-ordering the book and being excited.. and the youth pastor from the church I went to in high school commented (side note: do you ever wish you could filter it so only nice comments are actually allowed? Sometimes I want to live in la-la land where only nice things are said. Anyway.) He commented and said "Let me know what you think of the book. He is thought provoking. I really struggle with his theology though. Enjoy!" and it immediately rubbed me the wrong way.

I know some of HIS theology and I wanted immediately to say "Yeah, well I really struggle with some of YOUR theology. So?"

For example, women in ministry. Not allowed to be pastors. Another example, communion. Only if you're "right" with God. (Let's think about this. Jesus died to make us right with God. I believe it. I have been saved by grace, therefore there is no condemnation. I am right with God. Under grace, there is nothing I can do to change that. Taking communion is a reminder of the sacrifice Jesus was so that we could be right with God. So you're saying, I can't participate in the reminder of something that happened and I believe therefore I am right with God, because somehow, according to some human standard, I am not right with God? Then what was the point of Jesus' death?) Where is the logic there?

Oh, I digress. But man alive, I was stirred up. And it felt good! It feels really amazing to be starting to understand what I believe and not only that, be able to form sentences to explain it and talk about it. Wasn't like that in the past.

And, similarly on the topic of what the book talks about, I was having a conversation with a dear friend and I wondered, why do we want some people to suffer? Why do we [society, collective, not necessarily you or me] want some people to be going to hell? I've read some of the statements some big-name people have said about the book, criticizing the idea of thinking critically about what hell means and who might be going there.

Why do we think it's "justice" or "fair" for some people to suffer? Why do we want there to be a hell that people go to who do "bad" things or aren't right with God?

Don't get me wrong. I'm in no way saying that I don't believe in hell or that people will be going there. I just want to understand the why.

Maybe the book will give me some answers. Maybe I won't find answers til I can chat it up with God in Heaven when I die. Either way, I've learned that taking something at face-value is not all it's cracked up to be. Challenge what you think. Challenge what others think. Together, let's grow.

Lord, save us

I just watched Lord, Save Us From Your Followers : Why is the Gospel of Love Dividing America?

From first glace, I wondered if it would be at all similar to the movie Religulous (which I did not like).. but it was in fact quite different, and very very wonderful and thought-provoking.

I wish I had taken notes as I was watching it, I think I'll go back and watch it again so I can.

I will go to sleep thinking about a lot of things tonight.

Plus! Here's a cool thing. They mentioned and interviewed Tony the Beat Poet from Blue Like Jazz and talked about a section of the book that I just read this morning. Talk about timing.

It's worth a watch, no matter what you believe. If you don't like Christians, you might see why we don't like some of us as well. Let's all embrace life and learn to love one another. Let's think about what it means to be Christ-like. Church is not a building, it's people. Life is for living. I want to pour out God's love on the people around me. Today.

unending love, amazing grace

This song has been in my head all day, since we sang it at church this morning.

The simple words:

unending love, amazing grace

Grace really is amazing. That the God of the Universe would pardon my sins through Jesus' death on the cross. Nothing short of amazing.

I love how a couple simple words really mean so much and resonate for hours, even days.

That's definitely been a theme on my journey, with the "it's not about you" phrase.

*I hope to lose myself for good. I hope to find it in the end. But not in me, in You.* - Switchfoot

Absolutely.

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I hung a tapestry in my room yesterday, from Peru. It got me thinking tonight about how things come into our lives, and where they come from. Someone made that. Someone sold it. Someone bought it. Someone gave it to me. And now it's a part of my life. It's beautiful really, the tapestry that is woven in life. The way that things and people are a part of our tapestries.

It reminds me of a message from church about a year and a half ago. It was one that really stuck with me at the time and made me think of a good friend who I had lost touch with because of some nasty things she had said to me years before. We had a very large disagreement over life matters (okay, fess up Tamara).. to be honest, she was getting down on me for wanting to move in with my boyfriend at the time. I saw her as being very judgmental and self-righteous. She said a lot of very nasty things and it stung. I realize now that she was doing what she thought was right and how she wanted to be a good friend. Anyway, we stopped talking. I moved in with him, learned my lessons (wouldn't take it back, I learned some serious lessons that are priceless and I am the type of person who needs to learn things the hard way apparently).. But she and I were no longer friends. The message at church was about being "Woven Together". It's not just MY story and YOUR story, but OUR story. We are on this journey together. It struck me that day so much that I went and prayed with one of the pastors (I wrote a little about this experience in my very first post, about when I started letting my guard down and getting connected)... but we prayed for this broken friendship. This friend was a huge part of my coming to Christ. My journey to a relationship with God. God used her in my life in countless ways. It was time to forgive her and move on. I prayed about it and eventually sent her a message. I let her know that I had forgiven her, and myself, for the ways we had treated each other. I let her know that I was no longer holding on to the chains that had been dragging along for years. She sent me a message back saying that it was amazing I sent the message when I did, that she had been praying about me as well. She apologized. It was finished. Then a year later, she added me as a friend on FB and sent me a nice message about reconnecting. I haven't seen her yet because she lives 3 hours away, but we have talked about getting together the next time she's in town. The beautiful thing is she is feeling called to be a pastor, as am I. It is amazing the journeys that God has us on.

We're all connected. And it's a beautiful thing the way God weaves our journeys together.

whose agenda?

In John 5 at the end of verse 30 Jesus says,

I'm committed to pursuing God's agenda and not My own.

I wrote a big AMEN next to that. :)

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I like to think linearly. A + B = C kind of thing. So let's think about this linearly.

If as Christians, we are to be Christ-like (like Christ), and Christ Himself said He is committed to pursuing God's agenda and not His own.. ... do you see where I'm going with this?

It's not about me, or my plan (read: agenda).