holding on

Praying as I fall asleep is definitely one of my most favorite things to do. If not my favorite. There really is a peace the surpasses all understanding.

As I was praying and thinking tonight.. I was asking God to remove some things that I've been holding onto.. some anger.. some resentment.. some grudges perhaps.. though I don't think we have a universal understanding of what it means to hold a grudge.. But just holding onto some junk based on hurt.

And the thing is, that doesn't serve me. That person is not worth my time or energy. Feeling angry is only hurting myself. Yeah yeah, I need to feel everything. I get that. And I am. But this is beyond feeling it. It's viscerally holding onto it. As if doing so will make me feel better, or make them feel worse.. Obviously, neither are true.

So I breathe. I breathe and let go. Because letting go isn't just about things that you were holding onto, but things that were holding onto you.

This anger was holding onto me. And noticeably in the last couple of weeks I have been grumpier and overall just.. bleh. And I don't want to be bleh. I am fed up with bleh. Life is too short. I'm going to be 25 in a couple months for goodness sake.. (time's running out, right? ;o) )

The point is, it's not worth it. There is nothing to gain and everything to lose.

It's a decision, and I'm making it. I will not hold on, and I will not allow it to hold on to me. I release it, into the air. Into the sky. It's not mine. I don't want it.