free

I've had some large and eye-opening experiences lately.

In a great way.

It's been a snowball of a few different things that have made me think very differently than I was, and it has helped to diffuse a lot of the anxiety and stress that I was feeling.

The funny thing is, very little has actually changed about my day-to-day.. except my attitude. And my approach.

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So it started with yoga. Three weeks ago I started doing yoga on Wednesday mornings at a community center near my house. The teacher is amazing. Calming, inspirational, everything. And it's cheap, which is great. And I'm supporting a local organization in my community. Wonderful.

But it really has affected my breathing.. and really just how I am in my body. I consciously notice my shoulders when they are tense, and I breathe space into them and let them sink back to where they should be. I do stretches in the morning and breathe. It has seriously slowed down my resting heart rate. Kid you not. If you haven't done yoga, you really should. And don't let a few not so great experiences or teachers let you shy away from it altogether. It took some bad experiences for me to come along to the place where I am now.

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Next was a conversation with a great friend and mentor of mine. I had expressed to her that I was feeling like I was hitting a wall on all of my commitments. I'm the kind of person that if I can't give something my all, my 100%, then I don't want to do it at all. I don't do things half-heartedly. At the same time, I have a hard time saying No, especially to things that are good or fun or helping others. So I over-commit. It's not inherently bad, it's just that I reached my breaking point. I was exhausted and overwhelmed. We had coffee and were talking about it. I realized during the conversation an important distinction that I (and a lot of people) need to make.

There is a difference between being busy and feeling frantic.

Busy, your time is full, you have things going on, you have a lot on your plate, you have little free time, you are going going going. You might also feel frantic, but you don't have to.

Frantic, you feel frenzied, tired, overwhelmed, crazy, zany, (for me, in the moments when I feel frantic, I flail my arms a lot when I'm talking about everything I'm doing).

However, feeling frantic is optional. It's a by-product. It's not inherent. I'd dare to say you can choose to feel frantic or not.

Some feel frantic and aren't actually busy. They just exaggerate or are dramatic. I, however, am legitimately busy. I work full time, go to grad school full time (technically, I found out they are changing the standards this fall so I am full time), volunteer, and try to maintain hobbies, friendships, family time, and a percentage of sanity while doing all of this.

See, that's the thing right there. Even saying "a percentage of sanity" .. that's frantic. Hmm. It's something I'm consciously noticing now.

But my big epiphany in that conversation was that
I can be busy, but I do not have to be frantic.

It's a choice. It's an attitude. It's an approach.

And guess what, it was not working for me.

I was hating each day because I felt like my life was one big To Do list and I was NOT getting it all done. And what I was getting done, was not up to the standards that I have set for myself. I was not a happy camper.

But this realization, that I don't have to feel frantic, was so freeing, so liberating.

This life that I lead, I have chosen. I choose my job (that I love), I choose my grad school (that I love), I choose my church, my family, my friends, my hobbies. It's all what I want in my life. There is nothing bad in any of it. I want everything that's included. And I can have it, minus feeling frantic.

Now when I look out at the trajectory of my week, to be honest, the days blend together and I tend to forget which day it is because I'm not looking at it as a chore.. a list. It's just one flow of existence. With purpose.

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Next was this post about introverts.

I'm not sure why, but I've always felt .. ashamed.. disappointed.. something.. at the thought of me being an introvert. I think I felt weak.

All of which, obviously, are lies.

But that post really showed me that I'm not crazy, I'm not alone, and there are tons of people like me (a lot of my friends).

The thing is, in social interactions with people who don't know me very well, I tend to feel very misunderstood. People think I'm crabby when I'm actually quite happy, I'm just not talking talking talking (Myths 1 and 2). I hate it when some stranger will tell me "Oh cheer up and smile!" when I'm at a show or something. I honestly want to scream at them and say "You have no idea how happy I am! I don't need to just stand here smiling all the time! Who does that!" Seriously. I want to say that. It happens often, in fact it happened just last night. Someone mocked me as if I was just sitting there with my arms crossed looking grumpy. I wasn't. I was sitting there, thinking, and enjoying the live music I was seeing. It's frustrating when people think that others operate exactly like they do and if someone isn't, then something must be wrong. Not true.

I think that a lot of behavior or lack of for introverts is largely misunderstood. And for the most part, unwelcome. As if anytime I'm in a group, I have to be talking. Anytime I'm at an activity, I have to be smiling otherwise I'm not having fun. None of that is true.

So to read that post, and to realize, those qualities.. are who I am. And it's not about changing myself, but being myself. Unapologetically. Who do I need to be anyone else for? Who am I trying to please? What's the point?

I used to have thoughts of.. I don't like such and such quality about me.. I need to be more outgoing.. more this, more that.. Or maybe, I need to just be myself. And the people who are to love me, will love me for ME. Not for some weird projection of an idea of who I think others want me to be. What's the point of that?

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The latest freeing thing was at work. I did my DISC assessment and went over it with my boss. Take a guess at what I am..

Drum roll please.....

Conscientious. A verrrry strong C. I like details and I like to work alone. I like my interactions at work to be professional. I can be perceived as cold and unfriendly because of that. I am a perfectionist. I don't like criticism, I take it very personally.

To read through those things with my boss.. and talk about what it's saying about how to work with me, how I thrive, where I have issues, how to praise me, how to challenge me.. it was all so spot-on. It's as if seeing it on paper really made it real, and okay. It gave me permission to be me. It showed me, I'm not crazy. This is who I am. This is how I work. Everyone's different, and this is how it is for me.

I figured out that my boss is a D, and that's part of why we work so well together.

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All of this adds up to a lot of freedom for me.

I can breathe, relax, take it all in, know that it will all get done when it needs to get done (because you know what? IT ALWAYS HAS), and just enjoy what I have in front of me in this moment.

I have learned to say no, to be realistic about my limits to my energy, my time, my abilities. I'm learning to not stretch myself so thin.

I want to treasure the people, things, and hobbies that I have in my life. I don't want to dread each day because I feel so overwhelmed and tired. And the beautiful thing is, I don't have to feel that way.
Each day is a choice. And I choose to feel        f r e e