on the market(s)

I've wanted to write for a few days now. I've had thoughts of "Oh I need to write that down, that's true.. I need to keep track of that.." and poof, no time. I'll write in bit and pieces as my brain goes.

I cooked for about 3 hours on Saturday. I made 18 meals worth of food. Creamy white chicken chili, beef chili, sloppy joes, vegetable venison barley soup, and spaghetti. When I get on a cooking spree, I go a little crazy. It's to cathartic. I love chopping vegetables individually (you couldn't pay me to use a food processor), and adding them individually (Martha Stewart style). I get geeky about cooking. But seriously, if I had another job and maybe twice as much time as I have I'd love to be a chef. I'm not saying I'm that good, because I don't make everything pretty or anything, but I love cooking.

The condo search is well, still not moving. I've been wavering between frustration and excitement. (Note, neither are patience.) I was feeling pretty good about it, and then I had a dream about a beautiful loft and I was cooking for friends and I felt AMAZING. My heart was content and excited at the same time. My heart was smiling. Well of course then I woke up on a mission - FIND THAT LOFT.. well.. yeah let's be real. Turns out most loft buildings don't allow pets. And that's a deal-breaker, obviously, Jack the Cat needs to come with me, he's part of my life. Needless to say, that loft from my dream hasn't come on the market yet.
I need to remember that just because I'm in the market, doesn't mean my condo is on the market. It's kind of a cruel irony when I'm ready for something and it's not ready for me. Oh hey look, seeing a pattern there? God's timing, not mine. Ahhh again. Sigh. Seriously, I'm catching on to Him.

But I am learning (trying to learn anyway) how to be happy where I'm at. That I really truly am right where I need to be. I have a beautiful room in an amazing old house in (what I consider to be) the greatest neighborhood in the state. I have a lot of blessings to count. But, this is where the full-circle that I learned about 9 months ago comes in...(the one about not always looking on the bright side, but accepting that things make me feel however they make me feel).. Yes, I have a lot of blessings to count, but having my ducks in a row to buy a condo and there not being a condo for me to buy right now is disappointing, and frustrating, and it's okay for me to feel those things as long as I'm not turning in on myself and those are all that I'm feeling. Everything in moderation, right?

So I wait. We'll see what happens. The right place will come along when it does. "It will be right when it's right. You'll know." Everyone keeps saying that. About condos and guys. It's kind of.. well, I've written about how it is.. I believe the word I used was annoying.

But it is hard.. in the guy section recently. It's hard to not feel like there's something wrong with you as a person when you've "got your shit together" as my mom and I say, and it seems like guys my age, well, don't. Or are scared of the fact that I do. Or whatever the stupid reason is. But it's hard to not feel like there's something wrong with you when a lot of your close friends are in relationships and you're not. And maybe, you judge them as being even more broken than you are. Hey, that's honesty. I'm not trying to put anyone down by any means, I'm not that kind of person, but honestly. Okay this is turning into a "why I'm so great" rant and it's really not meant to. If you know me, you know my heart. Moving on.

I have pondered recently (thought not seriously, because I have everything here that I want except this).. but that if I was to move to another state (oh look at that, I'm drawn to the east coast again, in the fall of all times, hrmmm that's never happened before...) that it'd be a lot easier to meet someone because I'd be creating my life from the ground up. No one would know me. Not that there's things for me to be running from, but even just the geographic change changes things. Guys are different on the east coast, proven fact. They're also better looking. Okay, I'm sorry, so many not so nice things today. But it's true. Midwestern women have this Nordic, Scandinavian beauty (or something, I've heard it explained before).. The problem is there is too many good looking women here per capita compared to eligible men. So we're all fighting over the same ones. (AGAIN, just like the condo situation, gaaaaah.) .. oh and on the east coast, men aren't so stinking passive aggressive and if they like you, they tell you. Crazy, I know.

But I've been pondering recently, that perhaps my cynicism toward it all is actually blocking me from getting what I truly desire. I was joking with a friend the other night about getting married. She and I had a good laugh. We said something like "Ha! Marriage! Who wants that?" and then we both cower and mumble under our breath, "Uhhh I do.." And we proceeded to whine about how we want someone to cuddle with on a Friday night and watch a movie at home, and someone to make us dinner.. And honestly, it's true. I want all of it. As much as I joke about marriage and question it (I mean, let's be real, I work with divorce Monday-Friday and have for almost 5 years, so I think I have reason to question marriage).. but as much as I do, I really do want it all. The house with the two dormers upstairs and the white picket fence and the two kids (boy and girl, obviously) and dog and cat. Oh and obviously a handsome (but not too handsome) husband who treats me like a queen (and I treat him like a king, this isn't one-sided).. I want it all. The entire cliche.

And I think my tomboyish, joking, cynical attitude might need to go. You know they say the energy you put out will be the energy you receive.. so when you're being negative, you perceive things as negative, and people will react negatively to you.. well, maybe this is something along those lines.

I look around and see friends of mine who are married and for most of them, how incredibly compatible they are. I really do look at them and say, they are perfect for reach other. And it's that kind of relationship that I want. And I think, oh God, I'm 25 and it hasn't happened yet. But my therapist always says, "You're so young!" not in a demeaning way, but in a you-have-so-much-life-ahead-of-you way. And I've said to her, It's funny because look back on my past, I thought that I'd be married by 22, and maybe having kids by 27 or so. And now when I think about it, I would have been crazy to be married at 22. I have changed so much in those 3 years to where I am now. So to be able to look back and know that not having that in my life was exactly what needed to happen. I should be able to catch on that at some point down the road I'll look back and think it was so good that I wasn't married at 25.

The themes between guys and condos is just.. ridiculous. Thought of another one.. I'm picky, so picky that what I want just isn't out there right now. But I had this thought yesterday, maybe I need to put myself out there more. I guess that works more with guys than condos... but really. And not to be more outgoing, but to be in more situations where meeting people is possible. Ugh even saying that makes me feel pathetic.

I just need to kick this attitude to the curb and move along. Toss it out with the garbage. My life is just that, mine. (Well, God's, you know what I mean.) I'm not a victim. Time to get up, Tamara, and start this new day that has been given to you, as a gift. Treat it as such.