plans change

This is a song I heard a month or so ago, and it just spoke so incredibly loudly to me. It was on the radio just now and I want to share the part that is so.. it.

Matthew West - My Own Little World

Father, break my heart for what breaks Yours
Give me open arms and open doors
Put Your light in my eyes so everyone will see
That my own little world is not about me

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

None of my plans in the last few days have worked out. Okay, wait, let's be real. At least 3/4 of my plans in the last 2 MONTHS have not worked out (not how I had planned them to, anyway). Friends and I were supposed to go on a 4 day roadtrip Tuesday-Friday this week. 2 of them are sick. I have spent this entire week almost completely, entirely, alone. I don't think I've written about this much, but I have at times (okay a lot of times) an intense anxiety and fear around being alone. It goes back to some stuff in childhood. Stuff that I thought I had worked through completely with my therapist years ago, but it's resurfacing with the recent changes and whatnot. So anyway, here I have all of this time by myself. It's comical, really, how God is using this. ALL of my friends are either 1) sick or 2) working. I'm on PTO because I had time left that I had to "use or lose".. so here I am. God is like.. "Well, here you go. Here's a bunch of time to yourself. Let's see how you do. You're not alone, you're never alone. I'm going to use this time to show you that, and not only that, but that time alone can be wonderful and relaxing, transformative even." And man, He has. I am reading and writing more than, I don't know.. ever? I never set aside this much time to do anything. And here, I don't really have an option. It's rain-snowing outside, and really, there isn't anywhere important enough for me to go to get out there and drive in that.

So here I am, reading an amazing book and lounging around. I never do this. Well, never did this. Things are changing, that's for sure. In this unbridled time to myself and freedom, really, I'm seeing that my life on a regular basis is CRAZY hectic. Always running around, always busy. I sleep at my house, and that's about it. I say good morning to my cat, feed him, come home, feed him, and say good night to him. That's sad! We need cuddle time. He needs attention. Heck, I need attention! I need to give myself attention and time. That's what these days have been. Running around on a roadtrip may have been fun, but very little relaxation is in that. Not much time for introspection or for my relationship with God to deepen through the books I'm reading. I'm really soaking it all in. It's amazing! I can't wait to write about the book I'm reading right now. I want to summarize the key parts of the book I just read too. I'll do that, sometime. :)

He is showing me, teaching me, to treasure the time to myself. Treasure my time spent reading about Him and His Word. Time to focus on my relationship with Him. It's amazing. Plans change, plans get canceled, plans get moved.. and He uses it all.

Honestly, looking back at the last 2 months and ALL of the plans that I have made, that didn't go as I had planned, they turned out even better. No, that relationship didn't continue, but look at my relationship with God now. That's a big example. And even down to the little ones. Like this week. No, that trip didn't happen, but look at the time I have been spending on my own, and with my God, time that I wouldn't have otherwise had.

It's amazing. He's amazing.

Oh, and I took my StrengthsFinder.. can't wait to write about those results! Holy cannoli!