the beginning, of the beginning

Where to start. Good question.

God has me on quite a journey. For some time now I've been writing about it in my private personal blog, and sharing it with close friends and family. But the time has come for me to share it, really share it. I have no idea who will ever read this, if anyone, but God is calling me to be vocal. I'm a fairly private person, but I cannot contain it anymore! Which is wonderful, really.

The thing is, God is moving in my life in ways I have never seen, felt, or heard before. It is truly amazing.

(disclaimer: this first post is going to be very long, you've been warned.)

A year and a half ago, I was very far from where I am today. God has moved in my life in ways that only now am I beginning to be able to look back and see. His handprints are all over it. I was not attending a church, really. Once in a while I would walk to one down the street from my house. I based my experience at a church mainly on how much I liked the music. If you know me at all, you know that my love for music is up there with eating and sleeping. That said, basing my experience of a church on that alone was a bit shallow. But I just wasn't connecting anywhere. I wasn't feeling it. Jesus was in my heart, but not really in my life, certainly not like He is today. But I'll get to that.

So a year and a half ago. I was "church shopping" as it were. Actually googling churches in the area and reading their websites to see if I agreed with what they taught, and if their messages were relevant to me. Let me tell you, church shopping is no easy task. So I went to the church down the street from my house a few times, but their senior pastor retired and the new pastor was, well, not very interesting. So I decided to go the "mega church" route. I went for a few months to the contemporary morning service at one of the mega churches in the cities. I connected with the music and the message, but none of the people there. There was zero sense of community. How could there be, really? It was HUGE. You had a menu of small groups you could pick from, but how could I pick one of those when I didn't know a single soul there? Do you know how far out of my comfort zone that is?

I eventually started going to an evening service that was supposed to be more non-traditional. The music was GREAT. We're talking concert great. Paid musician, real musician great. Impressive. Loved it. The message was good, though eventually it eroded. It went from life-applicable to just straight history. I'm sorry, but if I want to learn about the entire life of David, I'll read my Bible. But at church, give me meat, give me something to chew on for the week, something that makes me say "Yes, that's so right, so good" and I can't help but nod in agreement as the pastor talks. That was not what this was. But man, the music was good. The community was still lacking, though there were more people my age there.

The problem was evident: The people who were there were there because they thought they should be. Not because they wanted to be. There was a palpable sense of almost dread. Often I have moments where I get outside of myself and just look around. I did this frequently there because I wanted to understand it. What I felt was that they were there to have God check a box that they had attended church. They gave their money (lots) because that's what you're supposed to do, tithe, and well, someone has to support the mega-ness of this mega church. I went to the evening service for a few months. Eventually the message went toward history and not applicability, and the music was all that kept me there. I did not meet one single soul while I was there. Well that's not entirely true, I met one person, but she wasn't a member. Don't worry, I'll tell you about her later. She is a huge part of my story.

As my experience there started waning, I got a postcard in the mail. This might sound like an inconsequential thing, but let me tell you, it was anything but. It said "The 10 Things I Hate About Church" and I thought, what is this?? This sounds very interesting.. Right up my alley. I had (and have) issues with some major tenets of the church today, and I thought well, this sounds like something I need to hear. It was for a brand new church, and it was about a mile and a half from my house. I checked out the website and was intruigued and totally, totally excited.

I missed the first Sunday because it was my dad's 60th birthday. But let me tell you, I could not wait for the second Sunday to come. However, I approached this church-shopping experience as I had the others. I had little intent of meeting others or getting remotely connected until I knew if this was the right fit for me. That first Sunday I was there I took notes like it was going out of style. I soaked it up. I was hooked. But I was still hesitant to meet others. Trust me, I was very rogue. I went there for a solid 4 months without cultivating a friendship or true connection with anyone. I met people though, that was inevitable. Everyone there was so nice, it was impossible not to. And they do this thing, "We want to be a church of friends, take the next couple of minutes and get to know someone around you" so I had more or less no choice. I've found for me, that's sometimes what it takes to get me out of my shell. So I met people, but I didn't get to know anyone on a deep level.

One of the messages really hit home for me. Okay who am I kidding, they all do. Honestly, all of them. But this one in particular struck a chord with my life. It was about how we are all part of each others' stories. We're all connected. We affect others in ways that we might not see right now. And others have affected us. While there, God put on my heart a friend of mine with whom I had a falling-out years prior. She played an enormous role in my journey to Christ. The time had come to forgive her, and let her know that. So that Sunday, for the first time, I ventured down to the front to talk with one of the pastors. She prayed with me and I left feeling like God was moving me. I wrote a long note to my friend, and explained that God had put her on my heart, and that it was time to forgive her, and thanked her for being such a part of my journey. She wrote back that she had been praying about me too, and that she was sorry for how she handled things. I cannot tell you the peace that this brought to my soul and my heart. It was finished. I breathed a sigh of relief and acceptance. The next week I went down and talked to the pastor again, to let her know how God had moved. I had a connection with her right away and felt like I could tell her my heart.

My shell was beginning to crack and it was time for me to meet others. In January I went to a Life Group Mixer at a coffee shop and let down my guard. I introduced myself to one of the other pastors and he asked if I was new, and how long I'd be coming. I said, oh you know, since the second Sunday. We laughed about how I had always ducked out and hadn't met anyone. But that was all about to change. Greatly. I met so many wonderful people that night. I was hooked. This church had messages that made me think and moved my soul, music that gave me the opportunity to praise God in the way that felt right to me, nothing cookie-cutter, and a community like none other. They love you. End of story.

They became my church. My community. My friends. My family. As time has gone on I have gotten more and more involved. I host afterparties at a couple local restaurants where anyone who wants to gets together after church a couple times a month has lunch together. I also volunteer at a local homeless shelter with others and cook a meal for people there. I am a part of a small group for young women (which is amazing, inspiring, wonderful, and so very fun). I look forward to church for the entire week. I'm telling you, by Tuesday, I'm ready for Sunday to be here. The friends that I have and the love and support I have from there is insurmountable. God used that postcard back in August last year and changed my life forever.

So back to that girl I mentioned. We met one evening while at the mega-church. I was there for the service, and she had been there earlier for a meeting. As she was walking to her car, a stranger said to her "Where are you going?" and she said "Home.." He said "You should go back, there's someone who wants to meet you in there." She thought.. okay.. why not I guess.

So I was in the service, and I just felt this warmth, this presence behind me and to the left. I don't know how else to explain it. I just felt, there is someone good back there. She was sitting behind me and had seen me and thought I looked nice (if you ask her why, she'll tell you because of the way I did my hair, it was pulled back with little braids). Church ended and there was music afterward in the courtyard on a beautiful summer night. I thought about going, but was on the fence. It was out of my comfort zone, you know. I stood in the lobby, torn between leaving and staying. If I left I didn't have to stretch myself, but I also missed out on music (did I mention how much I love music?) If I stayed, I'd have to branch out and probably talk to someone. Honestly, that didn't sound very appealing. But God pushed me toward the courtyard and I walked around trying to find a table. I walked to the back to survey the area, and walked back toward the front. There was a girl sitting by herself, I thought she looked nice so I sat down. (If you ask her, she'll tell you that she saw me walk by, said she thought "She looks nice, I hope she sits by me.") And that was the start of one of the most amazing connections I have ever had with another person. She is one of my very best friends. A soul mate for sure. To think of the things that God lined up to happen that brought us together is beyond me. And isn't that wonderful, totally beyond me. I'll get back to that theme later.

So I think that about covers the background to get you up to speed to the more recent past. Other details, I have a job that I love (that was totally a God thing how I ended up at that job, it's all Him), a wonderful family, phenomenal friends, an apartment that I adore, and a cat who loves me (conditionally though). I have been so blessed it's beyond words. And I take zero credit for any of it. God's hands are in all of it. Every bit.

So here's where it gets.. well .. it.. gets something. I don't know what the word is. The thing with this blog and my other one is that I don't censor, I just say what comes out, word after word, no going back and rethinking it. Trust me, I'm a recovering over-thinker, rethinker, over-analyzer, whatever label you want to put on it, that would describe it. So this blog is me. Just me. Real me. Authentic and out there. Finally.

So a few months ago, God put a very unexpected blessing in my life. This blessing was a person. And sparing you the details, he was a God-send. And I mean that in a lot of ways. But he was sent from God. I absolutely believe that.

Then just about a month ago, God took him out of my life. God is going to be using him in another country to do His work, permanently. He has a calling, and it is so right that it amazes me. God is truly amazing.

But the thing is, that was not in my plan. I'm a planner. I love to "know" what is going to happen. Not to say I don't like spontenaeity, I do, but I like to know the general outlook of the future. Can you see where this is going? This was definitely not part of the plan.

But I cannot begin to explain to you the way that God has moved in me through this. However, that is exactly what I'll be attempting in this blog. But it won't be my words, it'll be His. I'm excited to share this with you.