becoming

So I subscribe to a daily email called The Daily Love. It's affirmations and quotes and different things. This is an excerpt from one from the other day that I thought fit quite well with my journey..

The way you see the world changes after you start to become who you truly are. Seeking stops. Needing stops. You start to simply just be.

A veil of unconsciousness is lifted and you begin to see clearly why things didn't work out the way they did in the past. You see that if you had gotten what you "THOUGHT" you wanted it would have prevented you from living at your Highest Potential. When you view the world through the eyes of Love you begin to see the Oneness of all that is.

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The Daily Love is not faith-based, but is focused on a Higher Power (be it God, Allah, the stars, etc.). I thought this excerpt was interesting, especially the part of "a veil of unconsciousness".. since I've been seeing, hearing, and experiencing things differently in the last couple of months.

I also like the part about if you had gotten what you thought you wanted it would have prevented you from living at your highest potential.

The thing is, we never really know what's going to work out, especially what's going to work out according to OUR plans, if we focus on them. As I wrote yesterday, we don't ever really know. The only thing I am certain of is God's love for me and His plan that is better than mine, and has now (finally!) replaced mine. My plan has no place in my life, since my life is not my own, it is His. His to use.

I feel like I am finally becoming who I truly am. I am His. He is mine. We are One and He will use me in His will and plan for the vessel that is Tamara. I concur with the first statement of the excerpt, "seeking stops".. I no longer feel like I'm chasing after an elusive God who is changing my plans and making things not happen that felt so good or so right. The thing is, God was chasing after me, saying that He loves me and wants me to be happy, and that I don't really know what would make me happy, because I can't see everything that He can.

I am finally open to His will and His plan in my life. I feel like my heart has blossomed and is looking up toward the sun. Finally.

To be honest, I feel like I finally really became a Christian. I feel like I finally understand what it means to have Jesus in my heart, in my life, in my spirit, in my blood. God is inside of me in a way that He never has been. Yes, I "became" a Christian 11 or so years ago, but.. not really. Not like this. It was always a struggle. I always had my doubts. Especially in the last few years since I had distanced myself from church and college expanded my ideas to be more liberal (which I don't think is a bad thing, I'd consider myself a liberal). But during that time I was questioning a lot of things. I was saying and thinking that I believed that God was in my life, it was about His will (but I thought it was about how well His will meshed with mine, ahem, not how it goes, my friend), and that Jesus came and died for me.. but I had this itching thought in the back of my head.. 'Did He really? That seems a bit far-fetched.'.. I didn't really understand redemption and forgiveness. I feel like I finally do. I feel a tremendous weight lifted off of my shoulders. No pressure. It's not about my effort or my plans going the way I have constructed them to. I don't need to perform or be perfect (which is tricky because I am meticulous and detail-oriented.. a perfectionist if you really want to label it.. but I'm letting go of that, thank God). He loves me for me. Ooh good song lyrics about that..

(God speaking)
I will love you for you. Not for what you have done or what you will become. I will love you for you. I will give you the love, the love that you never knew.

But I feel like I finally understand redemption. I finally understand the sacrifice. I understand the eternal atonement. Honestly, even using words like "redemption" and "atonement" was not a part of my life two months ago. I can talk about Scripture that I never could before.. He's equipping me with things that I never had before. And the coolest part is sitting back in awe, because this is not my work, but His. It's His effort and His plan being lived out through the vessel that I am, for Him.

I had never considered this, until about a month ago. God put on my heart the idea of becoming a pastor. Really, as I type that, I think whoooaaa that's crazy. And it is! It is not something I would ever have thought I'd be called to do.

But He put it on my heart. And a week or so later I was meeting with one of my pastors, what an amazing conversation. He had asked me a couple months earlier if I had time to get coffee, he had something to run by me. I said yes, but he never pursued it further. Then God and my transformation and everything started happening and God put it on my heart that I am called to get involved with my church. Like, INvolved, not just afterparties and stuff like that. In the midst of it, inside. So I called him up and said let's get coffee!

We talked about everything that was going on with me, and how I was feeling so differently than I ever have, and this peace I have in my heart and soul and life. I asked him, "What was it that you wanted to run by me a couple month ago?" He said "I wanted to see where you felt called to get involved." I said, "Well the neat thing about God's timing is that a couple months ago I probably would have said no, since grad school was just starting and I didn't really feel like I could do more than I already was, and didn't really feel called to do more. But that's why I asked you to get coffee today, I'm ready to get involved. He's calling me to get INvolved."

So we talked about different things that there are to do, and he let me know about a couple areas where he could see me flourishing. It was amazing. He said multiple times, "Tamara, you're a leader. I can see Jesus in your life. You are an example." It was amazing to hear those things. And finally, not take the credit for them! No ego-boost. It's not about me. This is God in me.

The area I feel most called to is message-mapping. This is where a small group (pastors plus a few) get together and plan the message outline for two-weeks ahead. I went one week and it was fantastic. The coolest part is that is it not effort. In the past I would feel like it was a daunting task, or intimidating. And don't get me wrong, it's challenging, but it's growing me! It's amazing. And wonderful.

He also asked me if given my background in psychology, and working with divorcing families, and going for my master's in therapy, if I'd be interested in meeting with people who are having a hard time.. for coffee and a chat, or such things. I grinned and said YES! I would love to do that.

Then he said, "I'm not sure if you've ever thought about being a pastor..".. and I said "Well, actually.. about a week ago God put that on my heart."

So lots of new beginnings.. amazing ways that God is using me. I mean, He uses us all of the time in ways we can't see, but this is more overt.

So I've told a few people about the pastor idea, and it has been amazing. I told one of my friends about it a couple weeks ago and she said "I see that. Totally. I would come to listen to you." And she doesn't go to church, she is "spiritual" as she would describe it. Higher Powers, astrology and such. We had an absolutely amazing conversation about Jesus that night. It was so neat. And what I love about my friends is that they know that I would never try to convert them. It's not about that. But anyway, tangent!

And then yesterday I was getting my hair cut and talking with my friend who is my stylist, and I told her about how God has been moving in my life and making it His, finally, and I said that I'm getting more (way more) involved with my church, and He has planted the idea of becoming a pastor. And she said "Did you see my face? I'm not surprised. I totally see you doing that." How amazing. God, You are truly amazing.

So lots of possibilities. I also thought the other day, that maybe my masters in therapy is to equip me to work in a private setting, and be a pastor with further training in therapy than most pastors have. I could actually see people in a therapy setting, rather than just giving counsel (which apparently according to my pastor, I could be doing right now?? Wow!).

God's possibilities are endless. His love abounds. His strength never tires. His mercies are new each morning. He loves us so much. It is so freeing to finally, finally trust Him. Feel Him. Believe Him. Know Him.