learning

Not to give away the book that I'm currently reading, since I'll write about it once I'm done.. but I'm just too excited about this to wait! I read this today and it made me cry. This is my transformation.

Sometimes the Lord lets us get to the end of our rope on a project or ambition because He loves us too much to interfere. If He were to intervene, we would never learn. But once I have tried and failed, and then give it to Him, I know the next time to trust Him with it from the start. God's love is patient, and His patience with me allows me to discover for myself that I can trust Him completely.
-From Love Is Now by Peter Gillquist

I remember saying to God, "I don't trust You. How can I trust You when you give me this phenomenal person and then take him away so abruptly, and of all things, to use him for something good? No. I don't trust You. I don't know how I can after this." and that's what it took.. a total breakdown. God said "See, that's the thing. You aren't trusting me. You haven't been. You've been saying that you were, but you weren't, not really. It's time that you start trusting that My plan is better than yours. I know things that you don't, I see things that You can't. I know what is good for you. And sometimes, the best thing is to take it away from you to show you just how much you need to rely on me for your answers and fulfillment."

He is everything

These lyrics keep replaying in my head..

Kutless - Everything I Need

You are strength in my weakness
You are the refuge I seek
You are everything in my time of need
You are everything, You are everything I need

plans change

This is a song I heard a month or so ago, and it just spoke so incredibly loudly to me. It was on the radio just now and I want to share the part that is so.. it.

Matthew West - My Own Little World

Father, break my heart for what breaks Yours
Give me open arms and open doors
Put Your light in my eyes so everyone will see
That my own little world is not about me

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None of my plans in the last few days have worked out. Okay, wait, let's be real. At least 3/4 of my plans in the last 2 MONTHS have not worked out (not how I had planned them to, anyway). Friends and I were supposed to go on a 4 day roadtrip Tuesday-Friday this week. 2 of them are sick. I have spent this entire week almost completely, entirely, alone. I don't think I've written about this much, but I have at times (okay a lot of times) an intense anxiety and fear around being alone. It goes back to some stuff in childhood. Stuff that I thought I had worked through completely with my therapist years ago, but it's resurfacing with the recent changes and whatnot. So anyway, here I have all of this time by myself. It's comical, really, how God is using this. ALL of my friends are either 1) sick or 2) working. I'm on PTO because I had time left that I had to "use or lose".. so here I am. God is like.. "Well, here you go. Here's a bunch of time to yourself. Let's see how you do. You're not alone, you're never alone. I'm going to use this time to show you that, and not only that, but that time alone can be wonderful and relaxing, transformative even." And man, He has. I am reading and writing more than, I don't know.. ever? I never set aside this much time to do anything. And here, I don't really have an option. It's rain-snowing outside, and really, there isn't anywhere important enough for me to go to get out there and drive in that.

So here I am, reading an amazing book and lounging around. I never do this. Well, never did this. Things are changing, that's for sure. In this unbridled time to myself and freedom, really, I'm seeing that my life on a regular basis is CRAZY hectic. Always running around, always busy. I sleep at my house, and that's about it. I say good morning to my cat, feed him, come home, feed him, and say good night to him. That's sad! We need cuddle time. He needs attention. Heck, I need attention! I need to give myself attention and time. That's what these days have been. Running around on a roadtrip may have been fun, but very little relaxation is in that. Not much time for introspection or for my relationship with God to deepen through the books I'm reading. I'm really soaking it all in. It's amazing! I can't wait to write about the book I'm reading right now. I want to summarize the key parts of the book I just read too. I'll do that, sometime. :)

He is showing me, teaching me, to treasure the time to myself. Treasure my time spent reading about Him and His Word. Time to focus on my relationship with Him. It's amazing. Plans change, plans get canceled, plans get moved.. and He uses it all.

Honestly, looking back at the last 2 months and ALL of the plans that I have made, that didn't go as I had planned, they turned out even better. No, that relationship didn't continue, but look at my relationship with God now. That's a big example. And even down to the little ones. Like this week. No, that trip didn't happen, but look at the time I have been spending on my own, and with my God, time that I wouldn't have otherwise had.

It's amazing. He's amazing.

Oh, and I took my StrengthsFinder.. can't wait to write about those results! Holy cannoli!

misc thoughts

Browsing blogs again, and I came upon this really good excerpt..

It's interesting - God is really working in me right now. It is a battle. (Isn't it always?) Do I want to continue to try to live my life on my own terms or do I want to give control to God? This all sounds familiar to me.... haven't I gone through this at least once before?

The answer is of course yes. Yes I have. And the results were excellent. When I let go of things and let God have everything, I can be assured that my life is headed in the right direction.

Sounds familiar, eh? Turns out I'm not the only one going through stuff like this ;o)

She had this quote posted too.. I like it.

"If you want to live in accordance with God's plan, you must make a decision to become obedient to Him in every area of your life. Everything else will follow that decision. "Obey me, and I will be your God and you will be my people. Walk in all the ways I command you, that it may go well with you." Jeremiah 7:23-24

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Found a different blog that had this picture on it. Makes you think... and thankful.

I have all of these things.

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And this post.. wow. How Big Is Your But?

Posted by Mike Foster on People of the Second Chance

So how big is your but? And I’m not talking about the fact that you went on a binge of Christmas cookies and chocolate fudge over the holiday. 

I’m talking about all the excuses we use to live a tiny and stunted life. 

Most of our buts are driven by fear and feelings of inadequacy. Though bottom line they are an excuse…and a justification to continue to live in our comfort zone. 

Let this truth scream at you everyday in 2011. Consider this:
THE ONLY THING THAT HAS EVER HELD YOU BACK FROM HAVING WHAT YOU WANT IN LIFE IS THE SIZE OF YOUR BUT!

Ask any great achiever and I guarantee that have had to overcome massive obstacles, disabilities, lack of resources and had to push through the valley. 

Dream big this year! Move out of your comfort zone! Put on a new wardrobe of courage! Let your New Year resolutions be audacious!

And remember the words of Michaelangelo….
“The greatest danger for most of us is not that we aim too high and we miss it, but we aim too low and reach it.”

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I think it's very easy to hear the "buts.." instead of the "you can"s.. I hear it in myself. I feel very confident about becoming a therapist. It's something that has been on my heart for.. 12 years? Something like that. It's something that has been affirmed by countless people. It's my heart's desire.

But this new seed that God has planted.. the pastor seed.. that one I can relate to with the idea of "buts" ..

-But I don't have a degree in it
-But I don't know the Bible well enough
-But sometimes I'm really not a people-person, sometimes I don't want to be needed
-But it's scary
-But it'll stretch me
-But I'm so young, will anyone believe me? trust me?

And God (again, not surprisingly) says, "It's not about any of those things. It is not about you. It's all about Me. I will give you everything you need to do the work that I have called you to do. Have no fear. I am with you. I will do this, through you."

He abolishes any BUT I come up with. He can do anything. That includes equipping me to be a pastor. Wow.

becoming

So I subscribe to a daily email called The Daily Love. It's affirmations and quotes and different things. This is an excerpt from one from the other day that I thought fit quite well with my journey..

The way you see the world changes after you start to become who you truly are. Seeking stops. Needing stops. You start to simply just be.

A veil of unconsciousness is lifted and you begin to see clearly why things didn't work out the way they did in the past. You see that if you had gotten what you "THOUGHT" you wanted it would have prevented you from living at your Highest Potential. When you view the world through the eyes of Love you begin to see the Oneness of all that is.

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The Daily Love is not faith-based, but is focused on a Higher Power (be it God, Allah, the stars, etc.). I thought this excerpt was interesting, especially the part of "a veil of unconsciousness".. since I've been seeing, hearing, and experiencing things differently in the last couple of months.

I also like the part about if you had gotten what you thought you wanted it would have prevented you from living at your highest potential.

The thing is, we never really know what's going to work out, especially what's going to work out according to OUR plans, if we focus on them. As I wrote yesterday, we don't ever really know. The only thing I am certain of is God's love for me and His plan that is better than mine, and has now (finally!) replaced mine. My plan has no place in my life, since my life is not my own, it is His. His to use.

I feel like I am finally becoming who I truly am. I am His. He is mine. We are One and He will use me in His will and plan for the vessel that is Tamara. I concur with the first statement of the excerpt, "seeking stops".. I no longer feel like I'm chasing after an elusive God who is changing my plans and making things not happen that felt so good or so right. The thing is, God was chasing after me, saying that He loves me and wants me to be happy, and that I don't really know what would make me happy, because I can't see everything that He can.

I am finally open to His will and His plan in my life. I feel like my heart has blossomed and is looking up toward the sun. Finally.

To be honest, I feel like I finally really became a Christian. I feel like I finally understand what it means to have Jesus in my heart, in my life, in my spirit, in my blood. God is inside of me in a way that He never has been. Yes, I "became" a Christian 11 or so years ago, but.. not really. Not like this. It was always a struggle. I always had my doubts. Especially in the last few years since I had distanced myself from church and college expanded my ideas to be more liberal (which I don't think is a bad thing, I'd consider myself a liberal). But during that time I was questioning a lot of things. I was saying and thinking that I believed that God was in my life, it was about His will (but I thought it was about how well His will meshed with mine, ahem, not how it goes, my friend), and that Jesus came and died for me.. but I had this itching thought in the back of my head.. 'Did He really? That seems a bit far-fetched.'.. I didn't really understand redemption and forgiveness. I feel like I finally do. I feel a tremendous weight lifted off of my shoulders. No pressure. It's not about my effort or my plans going the way I have constructed them to. I don't need to perform or be perfect (which is tricky because I am meticulous and detail-oriented.. a perfectionist if you really want to label it.. but I'm letting go of that, thank God). He loves me for me. Ooh good song lyrics about that..

(God speaking)
I will love you for you. Not for what you have done or what you will become. I will love you for you. I will give you the love, the love that you never knew.

But I feel like I finally understand redemption. I finally understand the sacrifice. I understand the eternal atonement. Honestly, even using words like "redemption" and "atonement" was not a part of my life two months ago. I can talk about Scripture that I never could before.. He's equipping me with things that I never had before. And the coolest part is sitting back in awe, because this is not my work, but His. It's His effort and His plan being lived out through the vessel that I am, for Him.

I had never considered this, until about a month ago. God put on my heart the idea of becoming a pastor. Really, as I type that, I think whoooaaa that's crazy. And it is! It is not something I would ever have thought I'd be called to do.

But He put it on my heart. And a week or so later I was meeting with one of my pastors, what an amazing conversation. He had asked me a couple months earlier if I had time to get coffee, he had something to run by me. I said yes, but he never pursued it further. Then God and my transformation and everything started happening and God put it on my heart that I am called to get involved with my church. Like, INvolved, not just afterparties and stuff like that. In the midst of it, inside. So I called him up and said let's get coffee!

We talked about everything that was going on with me, and how I was feeling so differently than I ever have, and this peace I have in my heart and soul and life. I asked him, "What was it that you wanted to run by me a couple month ago?" He said "I wanted to see where you felt called to get involved." I said, "Well the neat thing about God's timing is that a couple months ago I probably would have said no, since grad school was just starting and I didn't really feel like I could do more than I already was, and didn't really feel called to do more. But that's why I asked you to get coffee today, I'm ready to get involved. He's calling me to get INvolved."

So we talked about different things that there are to do, and he let me know about a couple areas where he could see me flourishing. It was amazing. He said multiple times, "Tamara, you're a leader. I can see Jesus in your life. You are an example." It was amazing to hear those things. And finally, not take the credit for them! No ego-boost. It's not about me. This is God in me.

The area I feel most called to is message-mapping. This is where a small group (pastors plus a few) get together and plan the message outline for two-weeks ahead. I went one week and it was fantastic. The coolest part is that is it not effort. In the past I would feel like it was a daunting task, or intimidating. And don't get me wrong, it's challenging, but it's growing me! It's amazing. And wonderful.

He also asked me if given my background in psychology, and working with divorcing families, and going for my master's in therapy, if I'd be interested in meeting with people who are having a hard time.. for coffee and a chat, or such things. I grinned and said YES! I would love to do that.

Then he said, "I'm not sure if you've ever thought about being a pastor..".. and I said "Well, actually.. about a week ago God put that on my heart."

So lots of new beginnings.. amazing ways that God is using me. I mean, He uses us all of the time in ways we can't see, but this is more overt.

So I've told a few people about the pastor idea, and it has been amazing. I told one of my friends about it a couple weeks ago and she said "I see that. Totally. I would come to listen to you." And she doesn't go to church, she is "spiritual" as she would describe it. Higher Powers, astrology and such. We had an absolutely amazing conversation about Jesus that night. It was so neat. And what I love about my friends is that they know that I would never try to convert them. It's not about that. But anyway, tangent!

And then yesterday I was getting my hair cut and talking with my friend who is my stylist, and I told her about how God has been moving in my life and making it His, finally, and I said that I'm getting more (way more) involved with my church, and He has planted the idea of becoming a pastor. And she said "Did you see my face? I'm not surprised. I totally see you doing that." How amazing. God, You are truly amazing.

So lots of possibilities. I also thought the other day, that maybe my masters in therapy is to equip me to work in a private setting, and be a pastor with further training in therapy than most pastors have. I could actually see people in a therapy setting, rather than just giving counsel (which apparently according to my pastor, I could be doing right now?? Wow!).

God's possibilities are endless. His love abounds. His strength never tires. His mercies are new each morning. He loves us so much. It is so freeing to finally, finally trust Him. Feel Him. Believe Him. Know Him.

knowing or not

Knowing. This has been a question for me for quite some time. In the last few years because of my work with divorcing parents, it's often been centered around the idea of knowing another person is "the one" you should spend the rest of your life with. My work has greatly influenced my idea of marriage and longevity, and commitment. I'm unsure, to be honest. I'm cynical at times, sometimes quite cynical, toward the idea of marriage.

My question that stems out of my work is "How does someone ever really know that they're supposed to spend the rest of their life with this person? How do you really know it will work out?"

I guess the answer to that is that you don't. But these people at one point, at least at the altar or before the Justice of the Peace or whathaveyou, they thought that they knew. They thought they were making a commitment. Forever. And now it's ending. Not the plan.

But my question in the moment.. is how do we ever really know.. anything? I'm certain of God's love for me. I'm certain that He created me, has purpose for me that I cannot see, loves me dearly as His own, sends beautiful people into my life for purposes I cannot see, sent His Son to die for me, redeemed me, and one day I'll be with Him and out of this world we live in. I can't wait for that day! I'm excited.

But the question.. how do we ever really know. I'm learning that we don't. We really don't know. I don't know, that's for sure. All I know is that He loves me and will bring me to the best possibilities, which might be painful, but I won't be alone.

But we make all of these plans, all of these great monumental plans. And we think with some relative certainty that they'll work out. I chuckle because since learning and living that it's not about my plan, and all about His, I can see all of the plans that I make day-to-day that don't work out (not how I planned them anyway). Even little things. My appointment with my therapist was scheduled for 3:00pm today. Then the office called and asked if I could come at 1:00pm instead. Little things. Really, looking at things, very rarely do things go as I had planned. In small ways that don't really matter, and in big ways.

And the beauty of it is He uses it all. He uses it to His glory and on our path toward the best possibilities that He has laid out for us. We just need to trust Him. Don't get me wrong, it's not we just need to trust Him as if it's so easy and just something that we can do without thinking. Look at everything I've written. I've had my share of years and years of not truly trusting Him. Not how I do now. And even now I struggle. I still have moments when I think, 'Really? What? Why?' toward things that happen. But it's not for me to know. He sees it all. He uses it all. He will bring me to the best possibilities, in His time. Not mine. Not my plan. Not for me to know.

I know that I don't know. And I don't need to! And that really is freeing. He knows. And that's all that matters. He knows where my day will go, who I will cross-paths with. The difference He will make through me. He knows when I sleep and when I rise. He cares for the crows, how much more will He care for me. I don't need to worry about tomorrow. His promises are true. He cares for me in ways I can't imagine or see. His love is in my heart and surrounding me. I can feel the warmth of His hands as He holds me close. He gives me comfort and rest in His arms.

He knows all, and that's all that matters.

my life or His

Here's an excerpt from a blog I found when I was googling around (mentioned in previous post). She was writing about her family and having issues having children. Then God blessed them with twins. But it wasn't without pain and struggling.

Blog title:
His Plan, Not Mine
(yeah, right? so God) :)

There have been times I have wondered what it was that God was trying to tell me as I struggle with these feelings of inadequacy, and sometimes find myself wondering if I am ever going to be able to fulfill MY PLANS and MY DREAMS and MY HOPES for what I want to DO with MY life.

Mary Beth Chapman has felt that same way her entire life and marriage.  She still struggles with it, and one of the things I really took to heart from her story is: that is ok. She said "I have come to learn that my life would be much easier if I would just lay aside all the things that I WANT FOR MY LIFE TO BE and let GOD continue to work out his plan for me on HIS TIME AND HIS PLAN."

That hit like a hammer driving the nail home

I prayed earnestly and longed for this life. I cannot have all the things that I want and desire for my life to be, and have His plan as well for it. They just dont jive. I need to lay those things down, and dive into the beautiful and precious responsibilities that God has given me. Others would in some ways bring glory only to me, and the path He has me on, the one He seems to have chosen for my life, is the better one because it leaves me out of the picture and brings Him fully into it as the center of attention--where He should be.

I think there is a time and a season for all things in my life. It is in laying down those selfish desires and seeing what it is that I have been blessed with right in front of me. It is being open to saying :"God, I am going to step up and lay this at your feet, knowing you have already answered one of my greatest heart's desires, and in YOUR time, you will take care of this one as your part of the plan if YOU WANT TO."

Do you have something like that in your life? Is there something that you have been wrestling with God about as you try to superimpose what you want on what HE wants for you?

Lay it down. You, like me, would simply be missing out on the blessings He already has planned for yourself looking back and wondering how you ever thought something else could be more important than what was already given into your hands to mold and shape and love.

His will, my prayer

So the other day I was googling around, searching for things such as "His plan and not mine".. that's been the underlying theme to my transformation, and I thought it'd be neat to see what's out there.

Holy cannoli! Good stuff! I found blogs of other people who had something in their lives that didn't go as they had planned, and how they saw God's will being worked out through it.

Here are some excerpts from a great article I saw on prayer, and how it's not about us, and all about Him and His will for our lives, and His will for answering our prayers, in His way.

Your Will, Not Mine 

by J.R. Miller (1840-1912) from his book, Silent Times 

Many people only half read their Bibles. They skim the surface, and fail to get the full, deep meaning of the golden words. They get but half-truths, and half-truths ofttimes are misleading. Even inspired sentences standing alone, do not always give the full and final word on the doctrine or the duty which they present. Frequently it is necessary to bring other inspired sentences, and set them side by side with the first, in order to get the truth in its full-rounded completeness.

Many mistaken conceptions of the doctrine of prayer come from this superficial reading of the Scriptures. One person finds the words, “Ask, and it shall be given you;” and, searching no farther, he concludes that he has a key for the unlocking of all God’s storehouses; that he can get anything he wants. But he soon discovers that the answers do not come as he expected; and he becomes discouraged, and perhaps loses faith in prayer. The simple fact is, that this word of Christ standing alone does not contain the full truth about prayer. “It is written again.” He must read more deeply, and, gathering all our Lord’s sayings on this subject, combine them in one complete statement. There are conditions to this general promise. The word “ask” must be carefully defined by other Scriptures; and, when this is done, the statement stands true, infallible, and faithful.

One of the ofttimes forgotten conditions of all true and acceptable prayer, is the final reference of every desire and importunity to the divine will. After all our faith, sincerity, and importunity—our requests must still be left to God, with confidence that he will do what is best. For how do we know that the thing we ask would really be a blessing to us, if it came? Surely God knows better than we can know; and the only sure and safe thing to do is to express our desire with earnestness and faith, and then leave the matter in his hands. It is thus that we are taught, in all the Scriptures, to make our prayers to God.

But do we quite understand this? Is it not something far more profound than many of us think? It is not mere silent acquiescence after the request has been refused; such acquiescence may be stoical and obstinate, or it may be despairing and hopeless; and neither temper is the true one. To ask according to God’s will, is to have the confidence, when we make our prayer—that God will grant it—unless in his wisdom he knows that refusal or some different answer than the one we seek will be better for us; in which case we pledge ourselves to take the refusal or another answer, as the right thing for us. 

If we understood this, it would remove many of the perplexities which lie about the doctrine of prayer and its answer. We pray earnestly, and do not receive what we ask. In our bitter disappointment we say, “Has not God promised, that, if we ask, we shall receive?” Yes; but look a moment at the history of prayer. Jesus himself prayed that the cup of his agony—the betrayal, the trial, the ignominy, the crucifixion, and all that nameless and mysterious woe that lay behind these obvious pains and sorrows—might pass; and yet it did not pass.

Are not our prayers answered, then, at all? Certainly they are! Not a word that goes faith-winged up to God, fails to receive attention and answer. But ofttimes the answer that comes is not relief—but the spirit of acquiescence in God’s will. The prayer many, many times only draws the trembling suppliant closer to God. 

We are not to think, then, that every burden we ask God to remove—that he will surely remove; nor that every favor we ask—that he will bestow. He has never promised this. “This is the confidence that we have in him, that, if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.” Into the very heart of the prayer which our Lord gave, saying, “After this manner pray,” he put the petition, “May Your will be done.” Listening at the garden-gate to the Master’s own most earnest supplication, we hear, amid all the agonies of his wrestling, the words, “Nevertheless, not as I will—but as You will.” 

The supreme wish in our praying should not, then, be merely to get the relief we desire. This would be to put our own will before God’s, and to leave no place for his wisdom to decide what is best. We are to say, “This desire is very dear to me; I would like to have it granted; yet I cannot decide for myself, for I am not wise enough, and I put it into Your hand. If it is Your will, grant me my request. If not, graciously withhold it from me, and help me sweetly to acquiesce, for Your way must be the best.” 

The groundwork of this acquiescence, is our confidence in the love and wisdom of God. He is our Father, with all a father’s tender affection, and yet with infinite wisdom, so that he can neither err nor be unkind. He has a plan for us. He carries us in his heart and in his thought. The things we, in our ignorance, desire, might in the end work us great harm. The things from which we shrink, may carry rich blessings for us; so we should not dare to choose for ourselves what our life experiences shall be. The best thing possible for us in this world—is always what God wills for us. To have our own way rather than his—is to mar the beauty of his thought and plan concerning us. 

The highest attainment in prayer, is this laying of all our requests at God’s feet for his disposal.The highest reach of faith is loving, intelligent consecration of all our life to the will of God. When some great hope of our heart is about to be taken from us, we should not dare settle the question whether we shall lose it, or keep it. We do not know that it would be best. At the least, we know that God has a perfect plan for our life, marked out by his infinite wisdom; and surely we should not say that what we, with our limited wisdom, might prefer, would be better than what he wants us to be.

hosanna

These lyrics get me every time. This is my constant prayer. The cry of my heart.


Hillsong - Hosanna

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me 

Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity

better

I was listening to Pandora this morning as usual, as I was reading My Utmost For His Highest and Searching For God Knows What, and a Lifehouse song came on. I don't usually care for them, but look at these lyrics.


Lifehouse - Everything

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel You
I need to hear You
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...You're everything.

How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and You give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, You won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and You take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause You're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want You're all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want You're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want You're all I need, You're everything, everything

And How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

made light

I've been listening to my playlist "I will worship You until the very end" pretty much constantly, in addition to Pandora, for the last 6 weeks, but yesterday I started listening to my "I simply remember my favorite things" playlist. Yes, I name my playlists after song lyrics. I think it's cute. Anyway, it's really amazing how listening to music with good lyrics really changes your outlook. And like I've said, God really has been speaking through lyrics.

Just now it was a Relient K song..

Relient K - Let It All Out

Let it all out
get it all out
rip it out remove it
don't be alarmed
when the wound begins to bleed

cause we're so scared to find out
what this life's all about
so scared we're going to lose it
not knowing all along
that's exactly what we need

and today I will trust You with the confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
but tomorrow, upon hearing what I did
I will stare at You in disbelief
oh, inconsistent me
crying out for consistency

and You said I know that this will hurt
but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember
the end will justify the pain it took to get us there

and I'll let it be known
at times I have shown
signs of all my weakness
but somewhere in me
there is strength

and You promise me
that You believe
in time I will defeat this
cause somewhere in me
there is strength

and today I will trust You with the confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
and I'll try my best to just forget
that that man isn't me

and You said I know that this will hurt
but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember
the end will justify the pain it took to get us there 

reach out to me
make my heart brand new
every beat will be for You
for You

and I know You know
You touched my life
when You touched my heavy heart and made it light


Side note: I just noticed I have two posts titled "hearing and listening". Oh how badly I want to edit those titles, but I'm not gonna! No editing! It's apparently something I needed to emphasize or something, huh?

here or there

Very amazing conversation with a great friend tonight as I was explaining to her about my experience listening to my aunt and uncle's journey in Jordan and my question of "Why aren't we all serving overseas???" She really got me thinking. She explained, that yeah, there's work to be done overseas, but there's PLENTY of work to be done here. That we send so many people over to other countries to save people over there and do work there, and forget all of the people that need help here. That anyone who is capable and called to serve goes away and serves elsewhere, and the people that are left are the complacent ones who aren't serving. So our own needs aren't being met.

It really made me think. We discount the work that is done here as if the people here aren't "needy enough", or at least not as needy as those overseas. I compare it in some way to how people adopt children from other countries when our foster system here is overflowing. It's like we feel like we're not really making a difference unless we go somewhere. Which is backwards. We're always making a difference. We have no idea how our lives, our everyday comings and goings affect others. We can make a difference without even trying at all. We shouldn't discount that. We don't need to go anywhere to make a difference. There are certainly enough people here who need our help. Not that going somewhere is the wrong thing to do, I am not in any way saying that. I can't say that the rest of my life will be spent in the US, I have no idea. I'll go where He leads me. For right now, that's here.

But leaving isn't the only way to make a difference, and certainly not the only way to make a BIG difference, which I think is often the thought. But it's not true. Serving in my city is still serving. God sees it all, He uses it all. He turned a few loaves and fishes into food for thousands. How much more will He expand my service toward a few people. I can't see it all. Ha, I can't see at all. But He sees it all. He uses it all. He'll use each and every one of us if we trust Him to. And He'll use us here, and all the way over there, wherever there might be. But just because I'm not going anywhere outside of my state at this point, that in no way discredits my service. And I think in some way I had felt like it did. And I think we overall feel that way, but it's not true. He uses all of us to do beautiful things, everywhere. In our offices, our homes, the grocery store, in line at the toll, on the phone with customer service people - who are often in other countries, think about that, you really are serving overseas! ;o)

The point is, not going is in no way less credible or meaningful than going. The difference is why.  Why do you stay? Why do you go? Do you stay because it's comfortable? Easy? Convenient? Safe? Do you go because you're running from something? For the change from mundane? For recognition?

I'd say any of those reasons is suspect.

Stay because God is using you here.
Go because God wants to use you there.

End of story.

It's not about our comfort, convenience, ego, etc. etc. none of that. It's about God and His plan. Which might be here, or there, wherever that may be.

forgiveness 2.0

And of course, God puts something in my path related to what I wrote about last night on forgiveness..

To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you. -C.S. Lewis

via Twitter, of all places.

hearing and listening

As I said earlier, God is really using music to speak to me throughout this transformation.

On my way to work today, it was in two songs..

So many questions without answers
Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances
To hear You call my name


Tenth Avenue North - Hold My Heart

and

Lord unveil my eyes
Let me see You face to face
The knowledge of Your love
As You live in me
And Lord renew my mind
As Your will unfolds in my life
In living every day by the power of Your love


Darlene Zschech - Power of Your Love

His love never fails

Every day, without fail, I wake up with a song in my head. And it amazes me how much it fits what I'm feeling or thinking. God wastes nothing, He uses it all for His good.

This morning it was this song:

Jesus Culture - Your Love Never Fails

Nothing can separate
Even if I ran away
Your love never fails

I know I still make mistakes
But You have new mercies for me everyday
Your love never fails
 You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There maybe pain in the night but joy comes in the morning

And when the oceans rage
I don't have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me
Your love never fails

The wind is strong and the water's deep
But I'm not alone in these open seas
Cause Your love never fails

The chasm is far too wide
I never thought I'd reach the other side
But Your love never fails You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There maybe pain in the night but joy comes in the morning

And when the oceans rage
I don't have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me
Your love never fails You make all things work together for my good You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There maybe pain in the night but joy comes in the morning

And when the oceans rage
I don't have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me
Your love never fails  It's fitting. I went to sleep with an upset stomach. Just.. weird, melancholy. I don't know how else to describe it. A lot of things floating through my head. I needed sleep, rest. Rest in Him. In His arms.   There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning.  And actually, I had the bridge - You make all things work together for my good playing through my head this past weekend when I was having a hard time and breathing through some anxiety. He really does. He uses it all. Our happiness, our pain, our sorrows, our challenges, our joys, all of it. It's His, and He'll make it into something beautiful. More than we could have ever imagined.

forgiveness

I thought of this today.

The God of the universe, the Almighty, forgives ALL of our sins.

And yet, we find ourselves (humans) not forgiving each other.
.....

Nothing happened in my day that made me think of this specifically, no one not forgiving me or anything, just something I thought of when I was driving.

We spend an awful lot of time on negative emotions, especially wasteful when directed at others. What's the point? Who feels better? No one. Why waste the time and energy?

why not?

Just watched a slide show from my aunt and uncle's time in the Peace Corps in Jordan for the last year. I had to keep myself from crying as I watched it.

I get it. I absolutely get it.

My question is, why aren't we all serving overseas? We are all capable. Why are we still here? Why don't we all go? Why are we so obsessed with holding onto all of these things that don't really make us happy? Why are we all still here, sitting on our hands?

I get that we are making a difference in our own ways, and that we can make a difference at home, it doesn't have to be somewhere else. But why not? Why not?

Really. The question isn't why, but why not?

Why do we limit ourselves from what God can do through us? Is it really that scary? He will provide. He never sends us anywhere alone or unprepared. He's with us. He loves us. He'll provide. He'll never leave us alone or scared.

Why aren't we there? Why do we hold on to all of these things? Are we afraid to let go of people? People will understand in time. It will be painful. But it will be worth it.

They talked about how people say "Inshallah" - "If God wills" .. as in planning, that if God wills it, it will happen.

God, You are speaking to me. So loudly it blows my mind.

I will do God's will wherever it is, whatever it means I'd be doing. I know I won't be alone or unprepared. He goes before me, He will make a way.

If that means I'll be a pastor and therapist here in the states, or a somethingoranother in somewhereoranother.. inshallah.

God, use me. Wherever that is. Make a way. Make a path. Light my feet on the way. Show me where, and I'll go. If that's here, if that's Tanzania. I'll go. I'll go anywhere you send me. I'll do anything you tell me to. I trust You. In a way I never have before. Fully, completely, trust You.

faithfulness and trust

The devotional in My Utmost For His Highest was great today..
-We take our circumstances for granted, saying that God is in control, but not really believing it.
-God may cause our circumstances to suddenly fall apart, which may bring the realization of our unfaithfulness to Him for not recognizing that He ordained the situation.
-If we choose to learn to worship God even during the difficult circumstances, He will change them for the better very quickly if He so chooses.
-The goal of faithfulness is not that we will do work for God, but that He will be free to do His work through us.
-God calls us to His service and places tremendous responsibilities on us. He expects no complaining on our part and offers no explanation on His part.
-God wants to use us at He used His own son.

This is so right on. I was taking my blessings, everything, for granted. As if I had done something to earn it. As if they were mine. And in my control, my plan. He took it all, crashed it down in front of me and said (loudly) "Tamara, this is NOT about you, it's about time you get that." Crumbled to the ground. Rubble. I picture a demolished building. Beyond repair. Not a stripping away or refocusing. A rebirth. A restart. A true starting-over. From the ground-up. With the focus on the One who matters. Not me. Definitely not me.

I wasn't being faithful, not really. I was comfortable. I was excited about the future. I thought the blessings that God had given me were mine to enjoy and move forward with. I paraded around as if I was doing His will for my life. And maybe I was, but not like this. Not like He wants me to. My attitude toward my part in it needed to be removed.

The thing is, I like to know how things are going to go. And I was so sure that I knew how things were going to go. It was obvious. I thought, anyway. But God took everything away and said no. You don't know. But I know. I know everything. I know what's important for you, what's worthwhile. And I'll take care of you. But you need to TRUST me.

hearing, and listening

I've been looking for a new Bible. Asking about different versions, trying to find one that I connect with. I found two versions that I've wanted, tonight at the used book store. I was flipping through different books and found The Message and The Voice. Needless to say I bought both (you can't stop me at a used book store.. it's an addiction, but a good one). So anyway, I opened The Message and was on this:

Romans 12

So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life--your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life--and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for Him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. 

God is so good. He wastes nothing. He speaks. And finally, I hear Him, and I listen.

He speaks, loudly

Part of this journey, where I am hearing God in ways I never have, has been largely in lyrics. I've never heard this song before, and it was on in the background as I'm getting ready for work, and God is speaking through it, I can hear things that I haven't heard before. This is my prayer today.. 

Daniel Doss Band - Lord Reign

Forgive me Lord
For holding on to what's already Yours
I need Your help
Cause you know me better than
I know myself
And You reign over heavy hearts
and You reign over earth and stars

So won't You reign
Reign in my life
I've tried to hold on but I've fallen
So won't You reign
Reign in my heart
Fill all the spaces I've not given
Here on this day
I surrender my will
Here as I pray
If only You will
Lord Reign

Come lead the way
and give grace to follow every step that You take
I'm in Your hands
And your plans are greater than I could conceive
'Cause You reign over heavy hearts
And You reign over earth and stars
Don't let me take it all back from You
When I want to
Please keep me hanging on to what's true
That I need You...
To reign

there it is

Wow, just read this in Searching For God Knows What by Donald Miller and it's.. it.

We need this so that we can love other people purely and not for selfish gain, we need this so we can see everybody as equals, we need this so our relationships can be sincere, we need this so we can stop kicking ourselves around, we need this so we can lose all self-awareness and find ourselves for the first time, not by realizing some dream, but by being told who we are by the only Being who has the authority to know....the Creator.

It brought tears to my eyes. That's exactly it. This is my transformation.

thoughts on words

In the past month of transformation, new beginning, all that this has been, God has made me keenly aware of language. He has changed how I view my life in Him and my journey. It has also made me aware of how others use words.

Notice the difference between the simple words "I am..." vs. "He is..." Who is getting the credit for the work? Who is really doing the work?

It's about God. He is doing the work. He is the one who is transforming me and my life, and my journey. It's nothing that I am doing. This is Him moving through me, living through me. I can't take credit for any of this. If it were about me, I'd be awfully tired and beaten down. Honestly, to be completely completely honest, if it was truly about my strength, I would have given up by now. I know that's a packed statement, and can mean a lot of things. And most of those things, it means.

But the beautiful thing about all of this is it is not about me. I cannot say that enough. I'll be writing more about that statement as I dive deeper into what this transformation has done and is doing, by God's power and His plan. But the point is, it's not about my power. It's not about what I want.

He has transformed how I speak. I no longer take the credit. Honestly, I don't want the credit. He deserves it. He is a mighty God and His power and plan is amazing me each day. I can't take credit for this.

But I catch myself sometimes, and laugh a little at myself for thinking that I am playing any part in this. Honestly, the less I play a part in my life, the better it goes, because God is in the driver's seat and He can see farther off into the horizon than I could ever attempt. He knows what's best, and He knows the journey to get there.

And I hear others say "I am preparing myself..." or "I am going to..." and I wonder a few things.
1)  Is God in the driver's seat for them and their journey? And I don't by any means mean this in a judgmental sort of way. Nothing like "Well He is for me, so..." but more of a, I wonder. I wonder if they see the power in language.
2)  Are they really preparing themselves or are they letting Him? Whose strength is it relying on?
3)  How flexible are their "plans"? I chuckle as I write that because, well, let's be real. Mine weren't very flexible. And only by the power of God are they becoming in any way flexible. I'll get back to that later, as I write about breaking down my foundation... (oh cliffhangers, I tell ya).

But yeah, that's my latest thought. Who is it really about? Him or me? Who do I want it to be about? I can tell you who it was really about before, and who it's becoming about now. I say "becoming" because I feel like I'm a work in progress. This is by no means an overnight thing. It's day by day. And God is in all of it.

transformation

God is so good. He uses everything, He wastes nothing.

I'm seeing my therapist again, I'll write more about her later. I keep saying that, that I'll write more about things later. I have a lot of writing ahead of me. Thank God it won't be about my effort, and all about His. And He and do anything, you know.

But in my first session back with her, she said "Wow, this is quite a transformation you are going through." And I thought, yes, that's the word!

I'm reading My Utmost For His Highest, a daily devotional by Oswald Chambers. I found it at a thrift store for 39 cents! I didn't realize it was a devotional until I got home. I thought it was just a book, and I had heard of it before. The first Sunday that I sat down to read it God spoke right through the words into my heart. I'll write more about that later. (See how I just keep you hanging? Sorry about that. There is just so much to say. It'll be a bit of catch-up for this first while until I get going and can write each day.)

But anyway, today's devotion was about transformation and it's so spot-on.

When love or the Spirit of God come upon a person, he is transformed. He will then no longer insist on maintaining his individuality. Our Lord never referred to a person's individuality or his isolated position, but spoke in terms of the total person---"...that they may be one just as We are one...." Once your rights to yourself are surrendered to God, your true personal nature begins responding to God immediately. Jesus Christ brings freedom to your total person, and even your individuality is transformed. The transformation is brought about by love---personal devotion to Jesus. Love is the overflowing result of one person in true fellowship with another.

-Oswald Chambers in My Utmost For His Highest

This is exactly it. Totally God. I love how He puts these things in my path on this new beginning with Him. He is constantly reminding me how it's not about me or my plan, and all about His. Transforming me into who He wants me to be. His hands and feet. 

something to think about

I found this video on the blog of a missionary in Thailand as I was browsing blogs. I have to say, I am astounded that around 1 of 5 blogs that I pass through are of missionaries in other countries.

To be honest, the idea of selling everything and leaving the country has never, not once crossed my mind until now. To see another person doing this blows my mind. And yet, it is so right. I can't say that at this moment in time it is something that I feel called to do, but ultimately if I am going to be His hands and feet, that means anywhere. I can't say "Use me, God. But only here, this is where I want to be. It's what I like, it's what I know." That's not how it works.

the lay of the land

Honestly, I think this second post is going to be more difficult than the first. I've spent a good deal of time between that one and now thinking about how I want this blog to look. See that? How I want this blog to look. It's not about me. God has stuff to say, and it's going to spill out throughout this blog. It's not about my words.

Maybe I'll start with a disclaimer about what this blog is not going to be, or at least what I don't think it will be...

1 - It's not going to be a sob-story about a break up. Believe me, as I was writing that first post I wanted to over-analyze to my heart's content about whether or not to explain that the blessing that was in my life was a person or just leave it as a mystery. But I feel that it's important to explain some of the background. God used this person. I can't deny that. To deny that would be to take a huge part out of this journey, to discount the role that God put this person in, throughout this whole thing. Yes, this blog will have elements of sadness relating to the loss itself, but we'll see where and how God uses it as a part of the story.
2 - It's not going to be my words. I'll explain this more as I go along, it's a recurring theme. But this what I meant when I wrote in the first post about how I don't censor, go back and remove things, over-analyze (though believe me, part of me wants to so very bad). But these words just come out. I'll explain this more as well, how words have been flowing.
3 - It's not going to be a rant against church. Believe me, I love church. I cannot express in words how much I love it. There is a snowstorm today and my church is held in a high school, the school has canceled all activities, so that means no gathering tomorrow. I can't tell you how sad I am, I love seeing everyone, and singing, and listening. This series is great, we're talking about Jesus - The Revolutionary. But church isn't just a building. It's in our hearts. Okay so back to the rant part of things.. As I said in the first post, I have issues with some of the major tenets of church, that's true. I'll explain eventually what I mean by that. But I can tell you, it's probably not what you think. I'm not here to argue, contest, get in heated discussions, none of that.

Here's what this blog will be.. well, what I think it will be.. God will take this and use it however He wants to..

1 - It's going to be a collection of experiences and thoughts and feelings as God moves through my life and soul. As I said earlier, I've been writing for a month now, but this is the first time that I will be sharing it with those I don't know. God spoke through a few people who asked how I plan on sharing this experience with others, that others might find peace or inspiration or anything else God brings into their life after reading about what I'm going through. At first I thought, um, absolutely not.. do you know how private I am? But the thing is, it's not about me. It's not about my comfort, my safe-zone. It's about God and what He has to say. And if I'm truly going to be His hands and feet, He'll take me out of my comfort-zone. But I won't be alone. He's carrying me. Okay okay, now I'm starting to get into a whole 'nother post, I'm getting ahead of myself.. just so excited to be sharing this with you.
2 - It's going to be honest. Again, zero censorship. And by that I don't mean I'll be swearing. That's so commonly what people think of related to censorship. Like cds that say something about censored content or whatever, so parents know that their children are listening to "bad" music. That's not the censorship I'm talking about. I mean the kind that holds us back from really saying what needs to be said. Trust me, I know all about it. And really, I think living like that is much more difficult than just being real, and owning what you say.
3 - It's going to be long. Let's be real. Look at how long each of these explanations is. I could just say "It's going to be honest" and leave it at that, but I have to explain what "honest" means. That said, I'm explaining it for you, as well as for me, as really, only in the last month have I been totally honest with myself, God, and others. Again, getting ahead of myself. Are you as excited to read this as I am to write it? Maybe not, but I am so excited to write.
4 - It's going to be random at times. Posts might consist of just a question, or some song lyrics. I really don't know how each post will look. It won't be cookie-cutter, I can tell you that much. It will be whatever God has to say at a given moment. He speaks through songs, others, books, all sorts of things. And He compels me to write about it. And now you get to read about it! The joys of technology.

I think that's about it.. it will evolve and change. As I'm learning each day, God changes our hearts, God moves in ways we don't understand or see, and nothing is constant except His love for us. Oh God, thank You for Your love for us.

the beginning, of the beginning

Where to start. Good question.

God has me on quite a journey. For some time now I've been writing about it in my private personal blog, and sharing it with close friends and family. But the time has come for me to share it, really share it. I have no idea who will ever read this, if anyone, but God is calling me to be vocal. I'm a fairly private person, but I cannot contain it anymore! Which is wonderful, really.

The thing is, God is moving in my life in ways I have never seen, felt, or heard before. It is truly amazing.

(disclaimer: this first post is going to be very long, you've been warned.)

A year and a half ago, I was very far from where I am today. God has moved in my life in ways that only now am I beginning to be able to look back and see. His handprints are all over it. I was not attending a church, really. Once in a while I would walk to one down the street from my house. I based my experience at a church mainly on how much I liked the music. If you know me at all, you know that my love for music is up there with eating and sleeping. That said, basing my experience of a church on that alone was a bit shallow. But I just wasn't connecting anywhere. I wasn't feeling it. Jesus was in my heart, but not really in my life, certainly not like He is today. But I'll get to that.

So a year and a half ago. I was "church shopping" as it were. Actually googling churches in the area and reading their websites to see if I agreed with what they taught, and if their messages were relevant to me. Let me tell you, church shopping is no easy task. So I went to the church down the street from my house a few times, but their senior pastor retired and the new pastor was, well, not very interesting. So I decided to go the "mega church" route. I went for a few months to the contemporary morning service at one of the mega churches in the cities. I connected with the music and the message, but none of the people there. There was zero sense of community. How could there be, really? It was HUGE. You had a menu of small groups you could pick from, but how could I pick one of those when I didn't know a single soul there? Do you know how far out of my comfort zone that is?

I eventually started going to an evening service that was supposed to be more non-traditional. The music was GREAT. We're talking concert great. Paid musician, real musician great. Impressive. Loved it. The message was good, though eventually it eroded. It went from life-applicable to just straight history. I'm sorry, but if I want to learn about the entire life of David, I'll read my Bible. But at church, give me meat, give me something to chew on for the week, something that makes me say "Yes, that's so right, so good" and I can't help but nod in agreement as the pastor talks. That was not what this was. But man, the music was good. The community was still lacking, though there were more people my age there.

The problem was evident: The people who were there were there because they thought they should be. Not because they wanted to be. There was a palpable sense of almost dread. Often I have moments where I get outside of myself and just look around. I did this frequently there because I wanted to understand it. What I felt was that they were there to have God check a box that they had attended church. They gave their money (lots) because that's what you're supposed to do, tithe, and well, someone has to support the mega-ness of this mega church. I went to the evening service for a few months. Eventually the message went toward history and not applicability, and the music was all that kept me there. I did not meet one single soul while I was there. Well that's not entirely true, I met one person, but she wasn't a member. Don't worry, I'll tell you about her later. She is a huge part of my story.

As my experience there started waning, I got a postcard in the mail. This might sound like an inconsequential thing, but let me tell you, it was anything but. It said "The 10 Things I Hate About Church" and I thought, what is this?? This sounds very interesting.. Right up my alley. I had (and have) issues with some major tenets of the church today, and I thought well, this sounds like something I need to hear. It was for a brand new church, and it was about a mile and a half from my house. I checked out the website and was intruigued and totally, totally excited.

I missed the first Sunday because it was my dad's 60th birthday. But let me tell you, I could not wait for the second Sunday to come. However, I approached this church-shopping experience as I had the others. I had little intent of meeting others or getting remotely connected until I knew if this was the right fit for me. That first Sunday I was there I took notes like it was going out of style. I soaked it up. I was hooked. But I was still hesitant to meet others. Trust me, I was very rogue. I went there for a solid 4 months without cultivating a friendship or true connection with anyone. I met people though, that was inevitable. Everyone there was so nice, it was impossible not to. And they do this thing, "We want to be a church of friends, take the next couple of minutes and get to know someone around you" so I had more or less no choice. I've found for me, that's sometimes what it takes to get me out of my shell. So I met people, but I didn't get to know anyone on a deep level.

One of the messages really hit home for me. Okay who am I kidding, they all do. Honestly, all of them. But this one in particular struck a chord with my life. It was about how we are all part of each others' stories. We're all connected. We affect others in ways that we might not see right now. And others have affected us. While there, God put on my heart a friend of mine with whom I had a falling-out years prior. She played an enormous role in my journey to Christ. The time had come to forgive her, and let her know that. So that Sunday, for the first time, I ventured down to the front to talk with one of the pastors. She prayed with me and I left feeling like God was moving me. I wrote a long note to my friend, and explained that God had put her on my heart, and that it was time to forgive her, and thanked her for being such a part of my journey. She wrote back that she had been praying about me too, and that she was sorry for how she handled things. I cannot tell you the peace that this brought to my soul and my heart. It was finished. I breathed a sigh of relief and acceptance. The next week I went down and talked to the pastor again, to let her know how God had moved. I had a connection with her right away and felt like I could tell her my heart.

My shell was beginning to crack and it was time for me to meet others. In January I went to a Life Group Mixer at a coffee shop and let down my guard. I introduced myself to one of the other pastors and he asked if I was new, and how long I'd be coming. I said, oh you know, since the second Sunday. We laughed about how I had always ducked out and hadn't met anyone. But that was all about to change. Greatly. I met so many wonderful people that night. I was hooked. This church had messages that made me think and moved my soul, music that gave me the opportunity to praise God in the way that felt right to me, nothing cookie-cutter, and a community like none other. They love you. End of story.

They became my church. My community. My friends. My family. As time has gone on I have gotten more and more involved. I host afterparties at a couple local restaurants where anyone who wants to gets together after church a couple times a month has lunch together. I also volunteer at a local homeless shelter with others and cook a meal for people there. I am a part of a small group for young women (which is amazing, inspiring, wonderful, and so very fun). I look forward to church for the entire week. I'm telling you, by Tuesday, I'm ready for Sunday to be here. The friends that I have and the love and support I have from there is insurmountable. God used that postcard back in August last year and changed my life forever.

So back to that girl I mentioned. We met one evening while at the mega-church. I was there for the service, and she had been there earlier for a meeting. As she was walking to her car, a stranger said to her "Where are you going?" and she said "Home.." He said "You should go back, there's someone who wants to meet you in there." She thought.. okay.. why not I guess.

So I was in the service, and I just felt this warmth, this presence behind me and to the left. I don't know how else to explain it. I just felt, there is someone good back there. She was sitting behind me and had seen me and thought I looked nice (if you ask her why, she'll tell you because of the way I did my hair, it was pulled back with little braids). Church ended and there was music afterward in the courtyard on a beautiful summer night. I thought about going, but was on the fence. It was out of my comfort zone, you know. I stood in the lobby, torn between leaving and staying. If I left I didn't have to stretch myself, but I also missed out on music (did I mention how much I love music?) If I stayed, I'd have to branch out and probably talk to someone. Honestly, that didn't sound very appealing. But God pushed me toward the courtyard and I walked around trying to find a table. I walked to the back to survey the area, and walked back toward the front. There was a girl sitting by herself, I thought she looked nice so I sat down. (If you ask her, she'll tell you that she saw me walk by, said she thought "She looks nice, I hope she sits by me.") And that was the start of one of the most amazing connections I have ever had with another person. She is one of my very best friends. A soul mate for sure. To think of the things that God lined up to happen that brought us together is beyond me. And isn't that wonderful, totally beyond me. I'll get back to that theme later.

So I think that about covers the background to get you up to speed to the more recent past. Other details, I have a job that I love (that was totally a God thing how I ended up at that job, it's all Him), a wonderful family, phenomenal friends, an apartment that I adore, and a cat who loves me (conditionally though). I have been so blessed it's beyond words. And I take zero credit for any of it. God's hands are in all of it. Every bit.

So here's where it gets.. well .. it.. gets something. I don't know what the word is. The thing with this blog and my other one is that I don't censor, I just say what comes out, word after word, no going back and rethinking it. Trust me, I'm a recovering over-thinker, rethinker, over-analyzer, whatever label you want to put on it, that would describe it. So this blog is me. Just me. Real me. Authentic and out there. Finally.

So a few months ago, God put a very unexpected blessing in my life. This blessing was a person. And sparing you the details, he was a God-send. And I mean that in a lot of ways. But he was sent from God. I absolutely believe that.

Then just about a month ago, God took him out of my life. God is going to be using him in another country to do His work, permanently. He has a calling, and it is so right that it amazes me. God is truly amazing.

But the thing is, that was not in my plan. I'm a planner. I love to "know" what is going to happen. Not to say I don't like spontenaeity, I do, but I like to know the general outlook of the future. Can you see where this is going? This was definitely not part of the plan.

But I cannot begin to explain to you the way that God has moved in me through this. However, that is exactly what I'll be attempting in this blog. But it won't be my words, it'll be His. I'm excited to share this with you.