Sunday, January 2, 2011

not knowing

I'm not sure why, but I've been having a very rough couple of days. I've been crying a lot. I haven't figured it out, He hasn't shown me why. But that's real. That is really what is going on. Finally being honest with myself and others about my emotions and depression (and joys, sharing happiness is important too). I'm finally allowing myself to feel everything. This has been a huge part of my journey. Finally letting myself be sad, angry, frustrated, disappointed.. all of these negative emotions that I have always (read: always) pushed aside, placated, tried to forget, etc.. finally letting myself just be whatever I am feeling at any given moment. And for these past two days, it's been mostly sadness. He hasn't revealed to me why, and He might not, but I know He has a purpose for it that I can't see.

My Utmost For His Highest this morning was amazing. I'll write the whole thing, there isn't just one part I want to take out.. the whole thing is just.. it.

"Will You Go Without Knowing?"
'He went out, not knowing where he was going' - Hebrews 11:8

Have you ever "gone out" in this way? If so, there is not logical answer possible when anyone asks you what you are doing. One of the most difficult questions to answer in Christian work is, "What do you expect to do?" You don't know what you are going to do. The only thing you know is that God knows what He is doing. Continually examine your attitude toward God to see if you are willing to "go out" in every area of your life, trusting in God entirely. It is this attitude that keeps you in constant wonder, because you don't know what God is going to do next. Each morning as you wake, there is a new opportunity to "go out," building your confidence in God. "...do not worry about your life... nor about the body..." (Luke 12:22). In other words, don't worry about the things that concerned you before you did "go out."
 
Have you been asking God what He is going to do? He will never tell you. God does not tell you what He is going to do--He reveals to you who He is. Do you believe in a miracle-working God, and you will "go out" in complete surrender to Him until you are not surprised one iota by anything He does?

Believe God is always the God you know Him to be when you are nearest to Him. Then think how unnecessary and disrespectful worry is! Let the attitude of your life be a continual willingness to "go out" in dependence upon God, and your life will have a sacred and inexpressible charm about it that is very satisfying to Jesus. You must learn to "go out" through your convictions, creeds, or experiences until you come to the point in your faith where there is nothing between yourself and God.

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