disappointment

God revealed some very important things to me in therapy today.

A little history..

When I was younger, 3 or 4 years old, I really wanted to be around my mom. Okay, I always want to be around my mom. We have a really wonderful relationship to this day and I treasure it. So when I was younger, it was the same, wanted to be around her. But obviously, there are times when I couldn't be around her.

Two times when this happened, was at night, and in the morning. So when she was getting ready in the morning and I desperately wanted to be around her, but she needed to get ready, she would lock me in my bedroom. Okay, now before you think either "That's not that bad." or "That's awful." here are my two cents: My mom was doing what she thought was best at the time. She had no intent of hurting me. Think about it, you have to do something and your child is interrupting you and you need to keep going or you'll be late for work. You need to have your child somewhere else so you can get ready. I in no way hold any of this against my mom or my dad. There is no forgiveness that needs to be given, I never have held this against them. The other time this happened was at night when they were sleeping. I would get lonely or scared and want to come sleep by my parents. They would have their bedroom door locked.

In both instances, I would cry, scream, kick at the door, and feel terrified.

Eventually I grew out of those situations, I was old enough to go to school and I started sleeping better. I no longer tried to be around my mom constantly. I don't know exactly what made it stop I guess.

So a little over 4 years ago when I was getting out of a very bad relationship, I started with the therapist I am seeing again now. She was amazing then, and is amazing now. Through a lot of work and prayer and talking, God revealed to me then that the fear of being alone that I was battling then was due at least in part, to those situations from my childhood. I associated being alone with being terrified. My therapist and I worked through it and she helped me to unlearn that belief.

I got strong, and really didn't struggle with it too much in the next few years. Or so I thought. Looking back, I can see why I didn't struggle with it. I controlled and planned beyond belief. There wasn't even an opportunity to be alone.

I thought I was "done" with that feeling, that fear. Well, I'm learning that's not exactly the case. It came back, full-force a couple months ago when all of this journey started, as God broke me down and the relationship came to a sudden end.

I was alone and I was terrified.

Now, obviously I've come to understand (thank God) that I am never really alone. God is always with me.

But feeling that again upset me. I thought I was done with that. I thought I had moved beyond that. I thought it was over. Why was that coming back? I had done so much work to unlearn that. Clearly, there was more work to be done.

So I've been seeing my therapist for these past couple of months and it's been really great to share my struggles and triumphs with her again. (Side note: a good therapist is PRICELESS, and hard to find. It's a journey. But if I can encourage anyone to undertake the journey and process, I will. It is so worth it.)

Working with her has been so helpful to reveal some of the things that I had thought that were not true, and also it has been very wonderful to get affirmation. I have changed a lot since I saw her initially 4 years ago. Serious growth. Serious changes. But it's been helpful to explain a situation to her and have her say "You go girl!" and high-five me for handling it well. I've been using the tools I learned with her. Priceless.

And in the last month or so we came to realize that something or someone had lead me to believe that I always needed to be strong, always needed to be positive. Look on the bright side. She asked if I had any ideas. I said I think it has something to do with my parents, but I don't know. We've prayed the last few sessions that in God's time, He would reveal to me where I got this belief.

God chose today.

It is truly amazing how He prepares us for things. What He revealed today, I couldn't have understood 4 years ago when we first started working through this. I couldn't have even understood it a couple weeks ago. He needed to show me what it feels like to experience negative motions and show me that they have a regular place in my life, just as much as the positive ones.

My therapist and I were talking about times when in the relationship, we would make plans and then they would change or fall-through, or really, just not happen. Not for any particular reason, they just wouldn't happen. She asked me how I would handle it. I said, I'd just shrug my shoulders and think that it's okay, whatever we do will be fun. I was thinking that I had become a "laid-back" person and I was proud of it. Newsflash, I am not, nor have I ever been, a laid-back person. Funny thing is, she called me out on it in the second session back. She knows me so well. :)

So I made up this story to myself that I was now laid-back. I could go with it. Just flow. Whatever happens happens. (I'm realizing that sounds a lot like what I say now.. but now is different, now involves God and not just myself.) But what I was really doing, was disguising how I truly felt, which was disappointed. I really wanted to do the plans we had made. They were fun. They were things I really liked to do (like swing dancing).

But when it came down to it, I didn't express my disappointment. I said okay, and made the best of it, and still had fun, because I looked on the bright side, always the bright side. (And really did legit have fun, don't get me wrong.)

She said, "So you wouldn't say 'Well, I'm disappointed we didn't go.'?" and even as she was saying it, my eyes got big and I shook my head and said "Nooooo, I never would have said that. I never would say that." She asked why not. I said, "Well, I guess I didn't want him to think I was needy, or controlling.. or something."

As if expressing how I really felt was needy.

And here's where it all goes back..

In this session where I thought there wouldn't be anything to talk about... He brought me back to those childhood memories.

When I was expressing what I wanted
(to be around my mom)
I was shut out and alone
(locked in my room or outside their door)
And I cried and screamed and felt terrified
(expressed the negative emotions I was feeling, and tried to show them that I needed something)
And did not get a response toward the negative emotions I was expressing
(door was still locked, ignored)
I continued to be shut out
(needs not met, still abandoned)

I learned that:
1. Being alone is terrifying
2. Expressing the negative emotions I'm feeling and asking for what I need will push people away
3. And I will be alone, which is... you guessed it, terrifying.

I thought that if I expressed how I really felt, disappointment, he might not like it and he might leave me. And this expands to everyone. This is how I felt in all situations, and God used this example in the relationship to show me.

I had always had this attitude of "You tell me your problems, but I don't need to tell you mine, I don't have any. I'm good. What's wrong with you? Tell me about you." Because if I'm vulnerable, they might not like what I tell them, and they might leave. And being alone is terrifying.

I don't want to be a whiner. I don't want to be needy. I don't want to be controlling.

I want him to like me. I want him to stay with me. I want him to be happy with me and how I act/am.

If I say that I'm disappointed, that brings negativity into the picture, and why do that? Let's just be happy.

Why? BECAUSE DISAPPOINTMENT IS REAL. When things don't happen, we get disappointed. It's normal, it's valid. And it has every right to be expressed, just as much as joy or happiness or anything good.

If another person can't take the bad and the ugly with the good, then they don't deserve the good.

Complaints are REAL. Yes, there is a limit. Obviously. A constant complainer is not a fun person to be around. But not everything in life is peachy and sunshine. I don't know what world I've been living in, telling myself that I have to always look on the bright side and make the best of things. Guess what, sometimes things suck. Sometimes they suck really bad. And that is LIFE. Life is the entire spectrum of emotions. Not just the ones that feel good and make me happy and others happy.

Yes, in expressing negative emotions, some people might leave your life. Friends might not be as supportive of your journey as you need them to be. They might exit your path. But they didn't leave because of you, or your worth. That is something about them. They weren't a good part of your path anyway. If they can't handle the real, full-spectrum, you, then they are not meant to be a part of your journey. Let them pass.

When I planned and controlled, there was no room for disappointment. And if something didn't go as planned, I looked on the bright side and made the best of it, again, not feeling let alone expressing disappointment.

And now that I've given this to God.. He's changed how I see things. When things don't go as "planned" which, obviously, they frequently don't.. He shows me that how they do go, is better. Better than I could have planned. Because He sees it all, all of it. I can only see a fraction, tiny pieces of what God can see. He knows everything. He can plan the most amazing plan, and He does. And I am finally letting Him put together that plan for me in my life and use me. I am on His journey. Not my own anymore.

But a word of caution. When I say "How they go is better" I don't mean that it feels better, or feels good at all for that matter. But they work out to me benefit in ways that I cannot see, right away or maybe at all. Going better can mean that it hurts like hell. Better is not always sunshine. But better is what's best for me. And only He knows what that really is. I'm done thinking that I know, because clearly, I don't know.

Wow. Breathing in a new freedom. And feeling very ready for the journey ahead, of discovery and working through those lies I've believed. He'll bring me freedom. He'll release me from those chains. In His time. Thank GOD.