heavy

Today has been heavy. I didn't fully realize it until I was talking with a good friend and she said you look like you feel heavy. Through our conversation it started to become apparent some reasons why.

I'm at the base of a new mountain. The next part of my journey. The next big lesson that God is going to be taking me through. The difference with this one is that while I can't see what the hill entails, or how steep it is, I know it's there. Two and a half months ago, I had no idea that a mountain was up ahead. He sprung it on me. That's what He had to do to get the work started. To break it down and start over. Had I known a mountain was ahead, you can bet I would have tried to go around it. I guarantee that.

This time, God is taking my hand before we get started. He is saying, "We are going to do this. We can do this. We are a team. You are not alone. I am with you. This is going to be painful. This is going to be hard. We but we can do this. Trust Me. Trust that I can take care of you. Trust that you are not doing this alone. You have Me inside of you, around you, and everywhere. You are surrounded by people who love you and will take care of you. It's time."

It's amazing to me the extent to which this is a process. It's building. Really, truly, things each day that I could not have understood the day before. And looking back at my life, this is when this was supposed to happen. This work could not have happened earlier. Not years ago, not even months ago. He and I needed to start over. Build a new foundation. One that's built on Him, not on me. Not trusting in myself and more. But in Him, and Him alone. Surrendering it ALL to Him. Trusting that I cannot, can not do this on my own. And I don't have to. Amen for that. But that doesn't mean it will be easy. He guarantees that it will not be. But He's got my hand. He's in my heart. He's everywhere. He is all over all of this.

It's almost comical sometimes how He puts different people, conversations, books, anything in my path and it just screams "Hey! It's Me, God! Look, here I am again! Just wanted to remind you, I'm using everything!" Seriously. I shake my head and chuckle sometimes and say, "Oh God. Seriously. You are somethin else."

He really is something else. Something totally else. Not of this world. Not created by you or me.

I've been reading Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis and it's been out of this world. I'm excited to share it with you. I'm a reading machine. I'm a few books behind, so I might just have to dive into this one and go back to the others.

*What can I say? What can I do? But offer this heart, oh God, completely to You. I'll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned, in awe of the One who gave it all. I'll stand, my soul, Lord, to You surrendered, all I am is Yours.*

This afternoon, in the aforementioned conversation, I had a realization that brought some peace to me. See, I've struggled with co-dependency issues. I worked through them years ago (same time as the first batch of fear of being alone stuff) and I am come a long long way. Amazing. It's all God. That is not something I did on my own. I didn't know it at the time, but that was Him. I guess I sort of knew it, we prayed about it in therapy. But my relationship with Him then was nothing compared to what it is now.

So co-dependency. It played a role in the fear of being alone. Or maybe that played a role in the co-dependency. Either way, it was not good. Not good. I left a very messy, very ugly relationship back then that was so full of those issues. Thank God for bringing me out of those depths. He taught me in the years following how to be single. How to find contentment. Eventually. It was quite a journey. It took years for me to let go, and not keep asking Him, "When God? When will you bring him into my life? Because I'm ready!" umm.. Tamara.. no. You weren't. There's a reason why God's timing is not ours.

But the realization that there is more work to be done. The unearthing of these past memories that have shaped how I have expressed my emotions (or have not expressed them, for that matter), has shown me that it's not finished. I am at the bottom, the base, of yet another mountain.

But here's the thing: It's me and God. That's it.

I am so thankful, that things ended in November. I am so thankful that this struggle, this junk, this crap, this baggage, this toil and trial, did not have an opportunity to poison that relationship.

And now that it's me and God, alone, in this struggle, this new mountain, I don't have a relationship to rely on, I don't have another person next to me, to tell "I need you to help me through this. I need you to be with me. I need you to carry me when I can't walk." Because that's what I would do. And this is not a time to do that. God is asking me to say that to Him, and Him alone. Yes, I have support of friends and family and lots of people who love me, but it's different. I don't have that person to drag into this. I am thankful for that.

Thank You, God, for that.

For everything.