Yup. Still thinking.
Thinking about permanence. I've learned through this journey to not swear-off anything. I don't know how God is going to use everything, or if anything is every really truly done. Intangibles and tangibles. I don't know when this work in me is going to be "done," if ever. I doubt it will ever be done. I think we are all works in progress. Similarly, I don't know if that relationship is truly done, finished, the end, for life. I don't know anything. I don't know how God will bring things and people in and out. It's quite possible that the relationship served it's purpose, and that's that. But as much as I don't know anything, I don't know that. The key is not clinging to one idea, or one reality. When you surrender, you let it all go. Including all of the ideas of what you think you would want. Yes, letting go, letting God, and being open. I am open to it all. I trust that He will do what is best for me. If I cling to an idea of what I think I want, I will try to manipulate the situation so that that is what would happen. And that's not how this works. That's not how surrender works. That's not what God wants me to do.
This life is not my own, this path is not my own. This plan is not my own. He will use it. And I will let Him. However He chooses. He knows what's best for me.
Monday, January 31, 2011
endings and beginnings
I've been analyzing this statement since I said it, and then wrote it yesterday:
[I am so thankful, that things ended in November.] I am so thankful that this struggle, this junk, this crap, this baggage, this toil and trial, did not have an opportunity to poison that relationship.
I am thankful that this didn't have an opportunity to become a part of that relationship. I am thankful that that relationship was in a time-capsule of sorts. That this was not a part of it, and not a part of why it ended. It didn't have an opportunity to taint the relationship.
I made a statement to myself a few weeks ago similar to that one, that I am thankful that the relationship ended. I feel like that's a loaded statement. And I felt like it was loaded when I said it. I was surprised at myself when I said it. But the important part is the statement that came after it.. Because of everything that has happened because of it ending.
Endings are really just new beginnings. Painful yes, growth-producing, yes. Surrender, trust that God will use it. He uses everything.
Look at how he used that relationship ending to show me that I was not trusting Him. I was trusting in myself, in what I wanted, in my plan, in things going how I thought they should.
That relationship was human, finite, the relationship I have with God now is eternal. I would trade any human relationship for my relationship with God. That's a huge statement. And I mean it.
I love everyone who is apart of my life on this earth. With my whole heart. But they didn't create me. They don't love me as one of their own, not in the same way God does. They don't usher me into eternity with them like He will.
I don't know where God is taking me. I only see a limited view of the horizon. He sees the entire world. I am the line drawn on the page, and He is the paper (C.S. Lewis). I don't know how my life, my path is going to weave into others'. But I see how God is using others in my life. And I'm thankful for it. Eternally thankful.
[I am so thankful, that things ended in November.] I am so thankful that this struggle, this junk, this crap, this baggage, this toil and trial, did not have an opportunity to poison that relationship.
I am thankful that this didn't have an opportunity to become a part of that relationship. I am thankful that that relationship was in a time-capsule of sorts. That this was not a part of it, and not a part of why it ended. It didn't have an opportunity to taint the relationship.
I made a statement to myself a few weeks ago similar to that one, that I am thankful that the relationship ended. I feel like that's a loaded statement. And I felt like it was loaded when I said it. I was surprised at myself when I said it. But the important part is the statement that came after it.. Because of everything that has happened because of it ending.
Endings are really just new beginnings. Painful yes, growth-producing, yes. Surrender, trust that God will use it. He uses everything.
Look at how he used that relationship ending to show me that I was not trusting Him. I was trusting in myself, in what I wanted, in my plan, in things going how I thought they should.
That relationship was human, finite, the relationship I have with God now is eternal. I would trade any human relationship for my relationship with God. That's a huge statement. And I mean it.
I love everyone who is apart of my life on this earth. With my whole heart. But they didn't create me. They don't love me as one of their own, not in the same way God does. They don't usher me into eternity with them like He will.
I don't know where God is taking me. I only see a limited view of the horizon. He sees the entire world. I am the line drawn on the page, and He is the paper (C.S. Lewis). I don't know how my life, my path is going to weave into others'. But I see how God is using others in my life. And I'm thankful for it. Eternally thankful.
He never lets go
I woke up with this song in my head. It is my prayer today. The cry of my soul.
Matt Redman - You Never Let Go
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back
I know you are near
And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
Matt Redman - You Never Let Go
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back
I know you are near
And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
Sunday, January 30, 2011
heavy
Today has been heavy. I didn't fully realize it until I was talking with a good friend and she said you look like you feel heavy. Through our conversation it started to become apparent some reasons why.
I'm at the base of a new mountain. The next part of my journey. The next big lesson that God is going to be taking me through. The difference with this one is that while I can't see what the hill entails, or how steep it is, I know it's there. Two and a half months ago, I had no idea that a mountain was up ahead. He sprung it on me. That's what He had to do to get the work started. To break it down and start over. Had I known a mountain was ahead, you can bet I would have tried to go around it. I guarantee that.
This time, God is taking my hand before we get started. He is saying, "We are going to do this. We can do this. We are a team. You are not alone. I am with you. This is going to be painful. This is going to be hard. We but we can do this. Trust Me. Trust that I can take care of you. Trust that you are not doing this alone. You have Me inside of you, around you, and everywhere. You are surrounded by people who love you and will take care of you. It's time."
It's amazing to me the extent to which this is a process. It's building. Really, truly, things each day that I could not have understood the day before. And looking back at my life, this is when this was supposed to happen. This work could not have happened earlier. Not years ago, not even months ago. He and I needed to start over. Build a new foundation. One that's built on Him, not on me. Not trusting in myself and more. But in Him, and Him alone. Surrendering it ALL to Him. Trusting that I cannot, can not do this on my own. And I don't have to. Amen for that. But that doesn't mean it will be easy. He guarantees that it will not be. But He's got my hand. He's in my heart. He's everywhere. He is all over all of this.
It's almost comical sometimes how He puts different people, conversations, books, anything in my path and it just screams "Hey! It's Me, God! Look, here I am again! Just wanted to remind you, I'm using everything!" Seriously. I shake my head and chuckle sometimes and say, "Oh God. Seriously. You are somethin else."
He really is something else. Something totally else. Not of this world. Not created by you or me.
I've been reading Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis and it's been out of this world. I'm excited to share it with you. I'm a reading machine. I'm a few books behind, so I might just have to dive into this one and go back to the others.
*What can I say? What can I do? But offer this heart, oh God, completely to You. I'll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned, in awe of the One who gave it all. I'll stand, my soul, Lord, to You surrendered, all I am is Yours.*
This afternoon, in the aforementioned conversation, I had a realization that brought some peace to me. See, I've struggled with co-dependency issues. I worked through them years ago (same time as the first batch of fear of being alone stuff) and I am come a long long way. Amazing. It's all God. That is not something I did on my own. I didn't know it at the time, but that was Him. I guess I sort of knew it, we prayed about it in therapy. But my relationship with Him then was nothing compared to what it is now.
So co-dependency. It played a role in the fear of being alone. Or maybe that played a role in the co-dependency. Either way, it was not good. Not good. I left a very messy, very ugly relationship back then that was so full of those issues. Thank God for bringing me out of those depths. He taught me in the years following how to be single. How to find contentment. Eventually. It was quite a journey. It took years for me to let go, and not keep asking Him, "When God? When will you bring him into my life? Because I'm ready!" umm.. Tamara.. no. You weren't. There's a reason why God's timing is not ours.
But the realization that there is more work to be done. The unearthing of these past memories that have shaped how I have expressed my emotions (or have not expressed them, for that matter), has shown me that it's not finished. I am at the bottom, the base, of yet another mountain.
But here's the thing: It's me and God. That's it.
I am so thankful, that things ended in November. I am so thankful that this struggle, this junk, this crap, this baggage, this toil and trial, did not have an opportunity to poison that relationship.
And now that it's me and God, alone, in this struggle, this new mountain, I don't have a relationship to rely on, I don't have another person next to me, to tell "I need you to help me through this. I need you to be with me. I need you to carry me when I can't walk." Because that's what I would do. And this is not a time to do that. God is asking me to say that to Him, and Him alone. Yes, I have support of friends and family and lots of people who love me, but it's different. I don't have that person to drag into this. I am thankful for that.
Thank You, God, for that.
For everything.
I'm at the base of a new mountain. The next part of my journey. The next big lesson that God is going to be taking me through. The difference with this one is that while I can't see what the hill entails, or how steep it is, I know it's there. Two and a half months ago, I had no idea that a mountain was up ahead. He sprung it on me. That's what He had to do to get the work started. To break it down and start over. Had I known a mountain was ahead, you can bet I would have tried to go around it. I guarantee that.
This time, God is taking my hand before we get started. He is saying, "We are going to do this. We can do this. We are a team. You are not alone. I am with you. This is going to be painful. This is going to be hard. We but we can do this. Trust Me. Trust that I can take care of you. Trust that you are not doing this alone. You have Me inside of you, around you, and everywhere. You are surrounded by people who love you and will take care of you. It's time."
It's amazing to me the extent to which this is a process. It's building. Really, truly, things each day that I could not have understood the day before. And looking back at my life, this is when this was supposed to happen. This work could not have happened earlier. Not years ago, not even months ago. He and I needed to start over. Build a new foundation. One that's built on Him, not on me. Not trusting in myself and more. But in Him, and Him alone. Surrendering it ALL to Him. Trusting that I cannot, can not do this on my own. And I don't have to. Amen for that. But that doesn't mean it will be easy. He guarantees that it will not be. But He's got my hand. He's in my heart. He's everywhere. He is all over all of this.
It's almost comical sometimes how He puts different people, conversations, books, anything in my path and it just screams "Hey! It's Me, God! Look, here I am again! Just wanted to remind you, I'm using everything!" Seriously. I shake my head and chuckle sometimes and say, "Oh God. Seriously. You are somethin else."
He really is something else. Something totally else. Not of this world. Not created by you or me.
I've been reading Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis and it's been out of this world. I'm excited to share it with you. I'm a reading machine. I'm a few books behind, so I might just have to dive into this one and go back to the others.
*What can I say? What can I do? But offer this heart, oh God, completely to You. I'll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned, in awe of the One who gave it all. I'll stand, my soul, Lord, to You surrendered, all I am is Yours.*
This afternoon, in the aforementioned conversation, I had a realization that brought some peace to me. See, I've struggled with co-dependency issues. I worked through them years ago (same time as the first batch of fear of being alone stuff) and I am come a long long way. Amazing. It's all God. That is not something I did on my own. I didn't know it at the time, but that was Him. I guess I sort of knew it, we prayed about it in therapy. But my relationship with Him then was nothing compared to what it is now.
So co-dependency. It played a role in the fear of being alone. Or maybe that played a role in the co-dependency. Either way, it was not good. Not good. I left a very messy, very ugly relationship back then that was so full of those issues. Thank God for bringing me out of those depths. He taught me in the years following how to be single. How to find contentment. Eventually. It was quite a journey. It took years for me to let go, and not keep asking Him, "When God? When will you bring him into my life? Because I'm ready!" umm.. Tamara.. no. You weren't. There's a reason why God's timing is not ours.
But the realization that there is more work to be done. The unearthing of these past memories that have shaped how I have expressed my emotions (or have not expressed them, for that matter), has shown me that it's not finished. I am at the bottom, the base, of yet another mountain.
But here's the thing: It's me and God. That's it.
I am so thankful, that things ended in November. I am so thankful that this struggle, this junk, this crap, this baggage, this toil and trial, did not have an opportunity to poison that relationship.
And now that it's me and God, alone, in this struggle, this new mountain, I don't have a relationship to rely on, I don't have another person next to me, to tell "I need you to help me through this. I need you to be with me. I need you to carry me when I can't walk." Because that's what I would do. And this is not a time to do that. God is asking me to say that to Him, and Him alone. Yes, I have support of friends and family and lots of people who love me, but it's different. I don't have that person to drag into this. I am thankful for that.
Thank You, God, for that.
For everything.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
disappointment
God revealed some very important things to me in therapy today.
A little history..
When I was younger, 3 or 4 years old, I really wanted to be around my mom. Okay, I always want to be around my mom. We have a really wonderful relationship to this day and I treasure it. So when I was younger, it was the same, wanted to be around her. But obviously, there are times when I couldn't be around her.
Two times when this happened, was at night, and in the morning. So when she was getting ready in the morning and I desperately wanted to be around her, but she needed to get ready, she would lock me in my bedroom. Okay, now before you think either "That's not that bad." or "That's awful." here are my two cents: My mom was doing what she thought was best at the time. She had no intent of hurting me. Think about it, you have to do something and your child is interrupting you and you need to keep going or you'll be late for work. You need to have your child somewhere else so you can get ready. I in no way hold any of this against my mom or my dad. There is no forgiveness that needs to be given, I never have held this against them. The other time this happened was at night when they were sleeping. I would get lonely or scared and want to come sleep by my parents. They would have their bedroom door locked.
In both instances, I would cry, scream, kick at the door, and feel terrified.
Eventually I grew out of those situations, I was old enough to go to school and I started sleeping better. I no longer tried to be around my mom constantly. I don't know exactly what made it stop I guess.
So a little over 4 years ago when I was getting out of a very bad relationship, I started with the therapist I am seeing again now. She was amazing then, and is amazing now. Through a lot of work and prayer and talking, God revealed to me then that the fear of being alone that I was battling then was due at least in part, to those situations from my childhood. I associated being alone with being terrified. My therapist and I worked through it and she helped me to unlearn that belief.
I got strong, and really didn't struggle with it too much in the next few years. Or so I thought. Looking back, I can see why I didn't struggle with it. I controlled and planned beyond belief. There wasn't even an opportunity to be alone.
I thought I was "done" with that feeling, that fear. Well, I'm learning that's not exactly the case. It came back, full-force a couple months ago when all of this journey started, as God broke me down and the relationship came to a sudden end.
I was alone and I was terrified.
Now, obviously I've come to understand (thank God) that I am never really alone. God is always with me.
But feeling that again upset me. I thought I was done with that. I thought I had moved beyond that. I thought it was over. Why was that coming back? I had done so much work to unlearn that. Clearly, there was more work to be done.
So I've been seeing my therapist for these past couple of months and it's been really great to share my struggles and triumphs with her again. (Side note: a good therapist is PRICELESS, and hard to find. It's a journey. But if I can encourage anyone to undertake the journey and process, I will. It is so worth it.)
Working with her has been so helpful to reveal some of the things that I had thought that were not true, and also it has been very wonderful to get affirmation. I have changed a lot since I saw her initially 4 years ago. Serious growth. Serious changes. But it's been helpful to explain a situation to her and have her say "You go girl!" and high-five me for handling it well. I've been using the tools I learned with her. Priceless.
And in the last month or so we came to realize that something or someone had lead me to believe that I always needed to be strong, always needed to be positive. Look on the bright side. She asked if I had any ideas. I said I think it has something to do with my parents, but I don't know. We've prayed the last few sessions that in God's time, He would reveal to me where I got this belief.
God chose today.
It is truly amazing how He prepares us for things. What He revealed today, I couldn't have understood 4 years ago when we first started working through this. I couldn't have even understood it a couple weeks ago. He needed to show me what it feels like to experience negative motions and show me that they have a regular place in my life, just as much as the positive ones.
My therapist and I were talking about times when in the relationship, we would make plans and then they would change or fall-through, or really, just not happen. Not for any particular reason, they just wouldn't happen. She asked me how I would handle it. I said, I'd just shrug my shoulders and think that it's okay, whatever we do will be fun. I was thinking that I had become a "laid-back" person and I was proud of it. Newsflash, I am not, nor have I ever been, a laid-back person. Funny thing is, she called me out on it in the second session back. She knows me so well. :)
So I made up this story to myself that I was now laid-back. I could go with it. Just flow. Whatever happens happens. (I'm realizing that sounds a lot like what I say now.. but now is different, now involves God and not just myself.) But what I was really doing, was disguising how I truly felt, which was disappointed. I really wanted to do the plans we had made. They were fun. They were things I really liked to do (like swing dancing).
But when it came down to it, I didn't express my disappointment. I said okay, and made the best of it, and still had fun, because I looked on the bright side, always the bright side. (And really did legit have fun, don't get me wrong.)
She said, "So you wouldn't say 'Well, I'm disappointed we didn't go.'?" and even as she was saying it, my eyes got big and I shook my head and said "Nooooo, I never would have said that. I never would say that." She asked why not. I said, "Well, I guess I didn't want him to think I was needy, or controlling.. or something."
As if expressing how I really felt was needy.
And here's where it all goes back..
In this session where I thought there wouldn't be anything to talk about... He brought me back to those childhood memories.
When I was expressing what I wanted
(to be around my mom)
I was shut out and alone
(locked in my room or outside their door)
And I cried and screamed and felt terrified
(expressed the negative emotions I was feeling, and tried to show them that I needed something)
And did not get a response toward the negative emotions I was expressing
(door was still locked, ignored)
I continued to be shut out
(needs not met, still abandoned)
I learned that:
1. Being alone is terrifying
2. Expressing the negative emotions I'm feeling and asking for what I need will push people away
3. And I will be alone, which is... you guessed it, terrifying.
I thought that if I expressed how I really felt, disappointment, he might not like it and he might leave me. And this expands to everyone. This is how I felt in all situations, and God used this example in the relationship to show me.
I had always had this attitude of "You tell me your problems, but I don't need to tell you mine, I don't have any. I'm good. What's wrong with you? Tell me about you." Because if I'm vulnerable, they might not like what I tell them, and they might leave. And being alone is terrifying.
I don't want to be a whiner. I don't want to be needy. I don't want to be controlling.
I want him to like me. I want him to stay with me. I want him to be happy with me and how I act/am.
If I say that I'm disappointed, that brings negativity into the picture, and why do that? Let's just be happy.
Why? BECAUSE DISAPPOINTMENT IS REAL. When things don't happen, we get disappointed. It's normal, it's valid. And it has every right to be expressed, just as much as joy or happiness or anything good.
If another person can't take the bad and the ugly with the good, then they don't deserve the good.
Complaints are REAL. Yes, there is a limit. Obviously. A constant complainer is not a fun person to be around. But not everything in life is peachy and sunshine. I don't know what world I've been living in, telling myself that I have to always look on the bright side and make the best of things. Guess what, sometimes things suck. Sometimes they suck really bad. And that is LIFE. Life is the entire spectrum of emotions. Not just the ones that feel good and make me happy and others happy.
Yes, in expressing negative emotions, some people might leave your life. Friends might not be as supportive of your journey as you need them to be. They might exit your path. But they didn't leave because of you, or your worth. That is something about them. They weren't a good part of your path anyway. If they can't handle the real, full-spectrum, you, then they are not meant to be a part of your journey. Let them pass.
When I planned and controlled, there was no room for disappointment. And if something didn't go as planned, I looked on the bright side and made the best of it, again, not feeling let alone expressing disappointment.
And now that I've given this to God.. He's changed how I see things. When things don't go as "planned" which, obviously, they frequently don't.. He shows me that how they do go, is better. Better than I could have planned. Because He sees it all, all of it. I can only see a fraction, tiny pieces of what God can see. He knows everything. He can plan the most amazing plan, and He does. And I am finally letting Him put together that plan for me in my life and use me. I am on His journey. Not my own anymore.
But a word of caution. When I say "How they go is better" I don't mean that it feels better, or feels good at all for that matter. But they work out to me benefit in ways that I cannot see, right away or maybe at all. Going better can mean that it hurts like hell. Better is not always sunshine. But better is what's best for me. And only He knows what that really is. I'm done thinking that I know, because clearly, I don't know.
Wow. Breathing in a new freedom. And feeling very ready for the journey ahead, of discovery and working through those lies I've believed. He'll bring me freedom. He'll release me from those chains. In His time. Thank GOD.
A little history..
When I was younger, 3 or 4 years old, I really wanted to be around my mom. Okay, I always want to be around my mom. We have a really wonderful relationship to this day and I treasure it. So when I was younger, it was the same, wanted to be around her. But obviously, there are times when I couldn't be around her.
Two times when this happened, was at night, and in the morning. So when she was getting ready in the morning and I desperately wanted to be around her, but she needed to get ready, she would lock me in my bedroom. Okay, now before you think either "That's not that bad." or "That's awful." here are my two cents: My mom was doing what she thought was best at the time. She had no intent of hurting me. Think about it, you have to do something and your child is interrupting you and you need to keep going or you'll be late for work. You need to have your child somewhere else so you can get ready. I in no way hold any of this against my mom or my dad. There is no forgiveness that needs to be given, I never have held this against them. The other time this happened was at night when they were sleeping. I would get lonely or scared and want to come sleep by my parents. They would have their bedroom door locked.
In both instances, I would cry, scream, kick at the door, and feel terrified.
Eventually I grew out of those situations, I was old enough to go to school and I started sleeping better. I no longer tried to be around my mom constantly. I don't know exactly what made it stop I guess.
So a little over 4 years ago when I was getting out of a very bad relationship, I started with the therapist I am seeing again now. She was amazing then, and is amazing now. Through a lot of work and prayer and talking, God revealed to me then that the fear of being alone that I was battling then was due at least in part, to those situations from my childhood. I associated being alone with being terrified. My therapist and I worked through it and she helped me to unlearn that belief.
I got strong, and really didn't struggle with it too much in the next few years. Or so I thought. Looking back, I can see why I didn't struggle with it. I controlled and planned beyond belief. There wasn't even an opportunity to be alone.
I thought I was "done" with that feeling, that fear. Well, I'm learning that's not exactly the case. It came back, full-force a couple months ago when all of this journey started, as God broke me down and the relationship came to a sudden end.
I was alone and I was terrified.
Now, obviously I've come to understand (thank God) that I am never really alone. God is always with me.
But feeling that again upset me. I thought I was done with that. I thought I had moved beyond that. I thought it was over. Why was that coming back? I had done so much work to unlearn that. Clearly, there was more work to be done.
So I've been seeing my therapist for these past couple of months and it's been really great to share my struggles and triumphs with her again. (Side note: a good therapist is PRICELESS, and hard to find. It's a journey. But if I can encourage anyone to undertake the journey and process, I will. It is so worth it.)
Working with her has been so helpful to reveal some of the things that I had thought that were not true, and also it has been very wonderful to get affirmation. I have changed a lot since I saw her initially 4 years ago. Serious growth. Serious changes. But it's been helpful to explain a situation to her and have her say "You go girl!" and high-five me for handling it well. I've been using the tools I learned with her. Priceless.
And in the last month or so we came to realize that something or someone had lead me to believe that I always needed to be strong, always needed to be positive. Look on the bright side. She asked if I had any ideas. I said I think it has something to do with my parents, but I don't know. We've prayed the last few sessions that in God's time, He would reveal to me where I got this belief.
God chose today.
It is truly amazing how He prepares us for things. What He revealed today, I couldn't have understood 4 years ago when we first started working through this. I couldn't have even understood it a couple weeks ago. He needed to show me what it feels like to experience negative motions and show me that they have a regular place in my life, just as much as the positive ones.
My therapist and I were talking about times when in the relationship, we would make plans and then they would change or fall-through, or really, just not happen. Not for any particular reason, they just wouldn't happen. She asked me how I would handle it. I said, I'd just shrug my shoulders and think that it's okay, whatever we do will be fun. I was thinking that I had become a "laid-back" person and I was proud of it. Newsflash, I am not, nor have I ever been, a laid-back person. Funny thing is, she called me out on it in the second session back. She knows me so well. :)
So I made up this story to myself that I was now laid-back. I could go with it. Just flow. Whatever happens happens. (I'm realizing that sounds a lot like what I say now.. but now is different, now involves God and not just myself.) But what I was really doing, was disguising how I truly felt, which was disappointed. I really wanted to do the plans we had made. They were fun. They were things I really liked to do (like swing dancing).
But when it came down to it, I didn't express my disappointment. I said okay, and made the best of it, and still had fun, because I looked on the bright side, always the bright side. (And really did legit have fun, don't get me wrong.)
She said, "So you wouldn't say 'Well, I'm disappointed we didn't go.'?" and even as she was saying it, my eyes got big and I shook my head and said "Nooooo, I never would have said that. I never would say that." She asked why not. I said, "Well, I guess I didn't want him to think I was needy, or controlling.. or something."
As if expressing how I really felt was needy.
And here's where it all goes back..
In this session where I thought there wouldn't be anything to talk about... He brought me back to those childhood memories.
When I was expressing what I wanted
(to be around my mom)
I was shut out and alone
(locked in my room or outside their door)
And I cried and screamed and felt terrified
(expressed the negative emotions I was feeling, and tried to show them that I needed something)
And did not get a response toward the negative emotions I was expressing
(door was still locked, ignored)
I continued to be shut out
(needs not met, still abandoned)
I learned that:
1. Being alone is terrifying
2. Expressing the negative emotions I'm feeling and asking for what I need will push people away
3. And I will be alone, which is... you guessed it, terrifying.
I thought that if I expressed how I really felt, disappointment, he might not like it and he might leave me. And this expands to everyone. This is how I felt in all situations, and God used this example in the relationship to show me.
I had always had this attitude of "You tell me your problems, but I don't need to tell you mine, I don't have any. I'm good. What's wrong with you? Tell me about you." Because if I'm vulnerable, they might not like what I tell them, and they might leave. And being alone is terrifying.
I don't want to be a whiner. I don't want to be needy. I don't want to be controlling.
I want him to like me. I want him to stay with me. I want him to be happy with me and how I act/am.
If I say that I'm disappointed, that brings negativity into the picture, and why do that? Let's just be happy.
Why? BECAUSE DISAPPOINTMENT IS REAL. When things don't happen, we get disappointed. It's normal, it's valid. And it has every right to be expressed, just as much as joy or happiness or anything good.
If another person can't take the bad and the ugly with the good, then they don't deserve the good.
Complaints are REAL. Yes, there is a limit. Obviously. A constant complainer is not a fun person to be around. But not everything in life is peachy and sunshine. I don't know what world I've been living in, telling myself that I have to always look on the bright side and make the best of things. Guess what, sometimes things suck. Sometimes they suck really bad. And that is LIFE. Life is the entire spectrum of emotions. Not just the ones that feel good and make me happy and others happy.
Yes, in expressing negative emotions, some people might leave your life. Friends might not be as supportive of your journey as you need them to be. They might exit your path. But they didn't leave because of you, or your worth. That is something about them. They weren't a good part of your path anyway. If they can't handle the real, full-spectrum, you, then they are not meant to be a part of your journey. Let them pass.
When I planned and controlled, there was no room for disappointment. And if something didn't go as planned, I looked on the bright side and made the best of it, again, not feeling let alone expressing disappointment.
And now that I've given this to God.. He's changed how I see things. When things don't go as "planned" which, obviously, they frequently don't.. He shows me that how they do go, is better. Better than I could have planned. Because He sees it all, all of it. I can only see a fraction, tiny pieces of what God can see. He knows everything. He can plan the most amazing plan, and He does. And I am finally letting Him put together that plan for me in my life and use me. I am on His journey. Not my own anymore.
But a word of caution. When I say "How they go is better" I don't mean that it feels better, or feels good at all for that matter. But they work out to me benefit in ways that I cannot see, right away or maybe at all. Going better can mean that it hurts like hell. Better is not always sunshine. But better is what's best for me. And only He knows what that really is. I'm done thinking that I know, because clearly, I don't know.
Wow. Breathing in a new freedom. And feeling very ready for the journey ahead, of discovery and working through those lies I've believed. He'll bring me freedom. He'll release me from those chains. In His time. Thank GOD.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
His love
On this journey I have been overwhelmed with God's love. Not meaning that everything goes great all the time, and I feel loved all the time and everything's hunky-dory. (is that how that's spelled? I've never written it out!).. obviously, not everything has gone great, a lot hasn't. But God's love.. is always there. Surrounding us. Overwhelming us. God is ever-pursuant. I think of how we as women (stereotypically) pursue a guy.. or think he's into us and make up all these stories and whatnot.. okay, total tangent.. but how we pursue something... and think of God. Ever-pursuing. He's chasing us to pour out His love on us. Beautiful.
In the last half an hour, this song has come on two different radio stations. I love it. The lyrics are beautiful and so true.
Matthew West - More
Take a look at the mountains
Stretching a mile high
Take a look at the ocean
Far as your eye can see
And think of Me
Take a look at the desert
Do you feel like a grain of sand?
I am with you wherever
Where you go is where I am
And I'm always thinking of you
Take a look around you
I'm spelling it out one by one
I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you yesterday and today
And tomorrow, I'll say it again and again
I love you more
Just a face in the city
Just a tear on a crowded street
But you are one in a million
And you belong to Me
And I want you to know
That I'm not letting go
Even when you come undone
I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you yesterday and today
And tomorrow, I'll say it again and again
I love you more
I love you more
Shine for Me
Shine for Me
Shine on, shine on
Shine for Me
I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you yesterday and today
And tomorrow, I'll say it again and again
I love you more
Than the sun
and the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you, yesterday and today
Through the joy and the pain
I'll say it again and again
I love you more
I love you more
And I see you
And I made you
And I love you more than you can imagine
More than you can fathom
I love you more than the sun
And you shine for Me
In the last half an hour, this song has come on two different radio stations. I love it. The lyrics are beautiful and so true.
Matthew West - More
Take a look at the mountains
Stretching a mile high
Take a look at the ocean
Far as your eye can see
And think of Me
Take a look at the desert
Do you feel like a grain of sand?
I am with you wherever
Where you go is where I am
And I'm always thinking of you
Take a look around you
I'm spelling it out one by one
I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you yesterday and today
And tomorrow, I'll say it again and again
I love you more
Just a face in the city
Just a tear on a crowded street
But you are one in a million
And you belong to Me
And I want you to know
That I'm not letting go
Even when you come undone
I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you yesterday and today
And tomorrow, I'll say it again and again
I love you more
I love you more
Shine for Me
Shine for Me
Shine on, shine on
Shine for Me
I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you yesterday and today
And tomorrow, I'll say it again and again
I love you more
Than the sun
and the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you, yesterday and today
Through the joy and the pain
I'll say it again and again
I love you more
I love you more
And I see you
And I made you
And I love you more than you can imagine
More than you can fathom
I love you more than the sun
And you shine for Me
our gifts
Let us not limit ourselves from the gifts and talents God has given us.
Let us not fence ourselves in, or downplay our capabilities.
He gives us things for a reason. He calls us to be His hands and feet. How can we do that if we say, "Oh but I can't do that because.." or "Well yeah I like to speak, but I could never be a pastor..." or whatever excuses we make.
If God puts something on your heart, and you see it throughout your path, there is a reason for that. He wastes nothing. He will reveal Himself to you. Open your eyes. Open your heart. He is there. He has a plan for you. Don't deny the beautiful talents and gifts He has given you. He will give you opportunities to use them, to His glory. How amazing is that. You don't want to miss out on that.
Let us not fence ourselves in, or downplay our capabilities.
He gives us things for a reason. He calls us to be His hands and feet. How can we do that if we say, "Oh but I can't do that because.." or "Well yeah I like to speak, but I could never be a pastor..." or whatever excuses we make.
If God puts something on your heart, and you see it throughout your path, there is a reason for that. He wastes nothing. He will reveal Himself to you. Open your eyes. Open your heart. He is there. He has a plan for you. Don't deny the beautiful talents and gifts He has given you. He will give you opportunities to use them, to His glory. How amazing is that. You don't want to miss out on that.
Friday, January 21, 2011
words and ideas
I can't believe it's been so long since I wrote! I've had two great weeks. Which has been really wonderful. God continues to be faithful. He never ceases to amaze me. He gives me just enough to get by, and then blesses me. I cannot praise Him enough. I love it.
Amidst great days, it can be hard to not look at it as "I wonder when the next bad thing will happen. I wonder when I'll be sad again." But the beautiful thing is knowing that I am never alone. He is with me through everything. Through joy and pain. And He uses it, He uses it all.
I've been saving some more of The Daily Love emails and honestly, it's clogging my inbox (I LOVE deleting things).. so here's a collection of thoughts from them that I really liked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Being vulnerable doesn't have to be threatening. Just have the courage to be sincere, open and honest. This opens the door to deeper communication all around. It creates self-empowerment and the kind of connections with others we all want in life. Speaking from the heart frees us from the secrets that burden us. These secrets are what make us sick or fearful. Speaking truth helps you get clarity on your real heart directives." - Sara Paddison
This has been a big part of my journey. Truly being myself and letting go of this idea of who I need to be or who I need to please. Really being who I am in Him, not who I was in myself. Allowing Him to use me, and use my pain, and joy, everything. Opening up to friends has been amazing. My relationships with friends and family have changed throughout this journey. I am finally being myself and showing them parts of me that I wasn't even willing to look at on my own. Everything has deepened.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As you move forward into the new year, how are you going to interpret the events of the past? What meaning are you going to give to the traumatic moment of your life? What meaning are you going to give to the moment in life when you got rejected, when things didn't work out, when you may have been living your worst nightmare? What meaning are you going to give to not getting what you want?
One of the best and fastest ways to cut cords with your past and jettison yourself into a more compelling future is to give the traumatic events of your past an empowering meaning.
Did these events happen "to you"? Or did they happen "for you"? Are you a victim of your circumstances or are you the powerful co-creator of your life? Did these events make your hopes and dreams impossible or were they lessons? Are you never going to get over it or are you willing to step into the unknown with an even stronger sense of resolve and and even MORE open heart? Is life a test or is life a journey?
What new and empowering meaning can you give to the events of your past? How can you flip the script on even the seemingly worst moments of your life and tell a new story about them? What new model of the world are you willing to create that will empower you? What are you waiting for?
So I ask you, my friend, what story are you telling about your part? Are you ready to start telling a new one?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world." - C.S. Lewis
I've been reading Mere Christianity by C.S Lewis for the past couple of weeks. Some of his greatest quotes are in that book. It's been a heavier read than the other faith-based books I've read recently. It's taking me longer to read it because I want to soak it all in. I'll write about it after I've finished it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Nothing worth doing is completed in our lifetime,
Therefore, we are saved by hope.
Nothing true or beautiful or good makes complete sense in any immediate context of history;
Therefore, we are saved by faith.
Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone.
Therefore, we are saved by love.
No virtuous act is quite as virtuous from the standpoint of our friend or foe as from our own;
Therefore, we are saved by the final form of love, which is forgiveness."
- Reinhold Niebuhr
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They say that pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. We all experience pain in our lives. The question is, how do you interpret pain?
Are you a victim of your pain? Do you fight it? Do you accept that it won't change? Do you see pain as a portal of discovery and growth?
These questions apply to physical pain, but I am talking about emotional pain.
The strongest muscles are made by tearing them apart over and over again, only to be rebuilt stronger and stronger.
The more you are willing to put yourself out there and subject yourself to the pain of life, the stronger you can become. The tool to use is to apply an empowering meaning to the pain of life.
You didn't get what you really wanted. Do you hold the belief that something even better is waiting for you?
Every time you experience pain you have the choice of how you wish to interpret this pain. Does your interpretation of pain cause you to suffer to to grow?
Seriously consider this question: from now on, how are you going to interpret pain in your life?
Pain has been another theme on this journey. I let myself experience everything, and much of it was intense pain. God removed me from myself. It really was a "dying to self" experience. I let go of who I was and embraced who I am in Him. I am His. His creation, His hands and feet. I can't boss around the Creator of the Universe as I was trying to. My life is not my own. But believe me, this process has had it's share of pain. Who wants to let go of that power? Who wants to embrace the unknown? I held on for 24 years. Finally letting go of it has brought me such peace and ultimately excitement. It's quite a journey He has me on. And there will be more pain. Be He is with me. And He uses it. He has used all of the pain so far, I trust Him to be faithful to continue to use it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There is a gift within you that is waiting to be received by the world. Each and every one of us is born to bring our own unique gift to the world. I believe that we are part infinite, part human.
The infinite part within us is nothing but love, creativity, compassion, passion, excitement, joy and curiosity. Over time, we learn patterns as a way to survive and get love. None of us could live without love, so as children we adapt our behaviors in order to get love from our primary caretakers (usually our parents).
Which parent did you crave love from most? And, who did you have to become in order to please that parent? Over time, whose love and approval did you live for? A lover? A friend? A boss? A university? Did you abandon any parts of your true and infinite self as you aimed to please and get love from these people and institutions?
If so, what part of yourself did you abandon? What part of you is still in there, dying to be heard, but is so buried that it barely has a voice anymore? That part of you that wants to be creative, expressive, joyful, curious, playful and loving is who you really are. Express it. Honor it. Love that part of you.
Teach your human self the patterns and thought forms that honor that part of you. Unlearn what you have learned about love. As you are, you are worthy of love. You do not have to become someone else, alter yourself or change in anyway to be worthy of love. Take a close look at who you had to become to please those you craved love from most. Where did you abandon yourself? What parts of you are dying to be heard? Why not start listening to them now? Embrace the infinite within & train your human self to support it's desires. Condition your body and mind to be the servant of your heart and your soul.
Do this with enough passion, repetition and love and a whole new world will come around to you - the world of your true authentic self. In that kind of a world, you are free to share your gifts in every moment of your life.
I'm working through figuring out some places on my life journey where I had started to believe that I needed to be strong, when what would have been best was to be weak. Where I have neglected to feel the emotions I was truly feeling, and instead spin everything for the positive. The fact is, sometimes life is negative. Bad things happen. How we experience it shapes how we understand it. Pleasing others has been a part of me, though not a huge part. It's even less a part of me now. But I wonder if being strong in my mom's eyes, or being strong for her, was my way of pleasing her. Thoughts that are swirling in my head and heart as I try to understand and let go of my need/desire/want to be strong. Guess what, I'm weak. But HE is strong.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have more to write about, but I'm running out of time. My favorite local, listener-supported radio station is having a 6th birthday party tonight and I'm very excited about it.
Promise I won't be such a stranger.. Maybe not writing is a good sign.. I accept that it will wax and wane. If you're reading this, I'm glad to have you along for the ride. God has me on a rollercoaster and sometimes it's scary, but always exciting. I finally see it as exciting. The unknown doesn't scare me. I know He will be faithful. He sees everything I don't. He sees everything. How amazing is that.
Amidst great days, it can be hard to not look at it as "I wonder when the next bad thing will happen. I wonder when I'll be sad again." But the beautiful thing is knowing that I am never alone. He is with me through everything. Through joy and pain. And He uses it, He uses it all.
I've been saving some more of The Daily Love emails and honestly, it's clogging my inbox (I LOVE deleting things).. so here's a collection of thoughts from them that I really liked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Being vulnerable doesn't have to be threatening. Just have the courage to be sincere, open and honest. This opens the door to deeper communication all around. It creates self-empowerment and the kind of connections with others we all want in life. Speaking from the heart frees us from the secrets that burden us. These secrets are what make us sick or fearful. Speaking truth helps you get clarity on your real heart directives." - Sara Paddison
This has been a big part of my journey. Truly being myself and letting go of this idea of who I need to be or who I need to please. Really being who I am in Him, not who I was in myself. Allowing Him to use me, and use my pain, and joy, everything. Opening up to friends has been amazing. My relationships with friends and family have changed throughout this journey. I am finally being myself and showing them parts of me that I wasn't even willing to look at on my own. Everything has deepened.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As you move forward into the new year, how are you going to interpret the events of the past? What meaning are you going to give to the traumatic moment of your life? What meaning are you going to give to the moment in life when you got rejected, when things didn't work out, when you may have been living your worst nightmare? What meaning are you going to give to not getting what you want?
One of the best and fastest ways to cut cords with your past and jettison yourself into a more compelling future is to give the traumatic events of your past an empowering meaning.
Did these events happen "to you"? Or did they happen "for you"? Are you a victim of your circumstances or are you the powerful co-creator of your life? Did these events make your hopes and dreams impossible or were they lessons? Are you never going to get over it or are you willing to step into the unknown with an even stronger sense of resolve and and even MORE open heart? Is life a test or is life a journey?
What new and empowering meaning can you give to the events of your past? How can you flip the script on even the seemingly worst moments of your life and tell a new story about them? What new model of the world are you willing to create that will empower you? What are you waiting for?
So I ask you, my friend, what story are you telling about your part? Are you ready to start telling a new one?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world." - C.S. Lewis
I've been reading Mere Christianity by C.S Lewis for the past couple of weeks. Some of his greatest quotes are in that book. It's been a heavier read than the other faith-based books I've read recently. It's taking me longer to read it because I want to soak it all in. I'll write about it after I've finished it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Nothing worth doing is completed in our lifetime,
Therefore, we are saved by hope.
Nothing true or beautiful or good makes complete sense in any immediate context of history;
Therefore, we are saved by faith.
Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone.
Therefore, we are saved by love.
No virtuous act is quite as virtuous from the standpoint of our friend or foe as from our own;
Therefore, we are saved by the final form of love, which is forgiveness."
- Reinhold Niebuhr
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They say that pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. We all experience pain in our lives. The question is, how do you interpret pain?
Are you a victim of your pain? Do you fight it? Do you accept that it won't change? Do you see pain as a portal of discovery and growth?
These questions apply to physical pain, but I am talking about emotional pain.
The strongest muscles are made by tearing them apart over and over again, only to be rebuilt stronger and stronger.
The more you are willing to put yourself out there and subject yourself to the pain of life, the stronger you can become. The tool to use is to apply an empowering meaning to the pain of life.
You didn't get what you really wanted. Do you hold the belief that something even better is waiting for you?
Every time you experience pain you have the choice of how you wish to interpret this pain. Does your interpretation of pain cause you to suffer to to grow?
Seriously consider this question: from now on, how are you going to interpret pain in your life?
Pain has been another theme on this journey. I let myself experience everything, and much of it was intense pain. God removed me from myself. It really was a "dying to self" experience. I let go of who I was and embraced who I am in Him. I am His. His creation, His hands and feet. I can't boss around the Creator of the Universe as I was trying to. My life is not my own. But believe me, this process has had it's share of pain. Who wants to let go of that power? Who wants to embrace the unknown? I held on for 24 years. Finally letting go of it has brought me such peace and ultimately excitement. It's quite a journey He has me on. And there will be more pain. Be He is with me. And He uses it. He has used all of the pain so far, I trust Him to be faithful to continue to use it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There is a gift within you that is waiting to be received by the world. Each and every one of us is born to bring our own unique gift to the world. I believe that we are part infinite, part human.
The infinite part within us is nothing but love, creativity, compassion, passion, excitement, joy and curiosity. Over time, we learn patterns as a way to survive and get love. None of us could live without love, so as children we adapt our behaviors in order to get love from our primary caretakers (usually our parents).
Which parent did you crave love from most? And, who did you have to become in order to please that parent? Over time, whose love and approval did you live for? A lover? A friend? A boss? A university? Did you abandon any parts of your true and infinite self as you aimed to please and get love from these people and institutions?
If so, what part of yourself did you abandon? What part of you is still in there, dying to be heard, but is so buried that it barely has a voice anymore? That part of you that wants to be creative, expressive, joyful, curious, playful and loving is who you really are. Express it. Honor it. Love that part of you.
Teach your human self the patterns and thought forms that honor that part of you. Unlearn what you have learned about love. As you are, you are worthy of love. You do not have to become someone else, alter yourself or change in anyway to be worthy of love. Take a close look at who you had to become to please those you craved love from most. Where did you abandon yourself? What parts of you are dying to be heard? Why not start listening to them now? Embrace the infinite within & train your human self to support it's desires. Condition your body and mind to be the servant of your heart and your soul.
Do this with enough passion, repetition and love and a whole new world will come around to you - the world of your true authentic self. In that kind of a world, you are free to share your gifts in every moment of your life.
I'm working through figuring out some places on my life journey where I had started to believe that I needed to be strong, when what would have been best was to be weak. Where I have neglected to feel the emotions I was truly feeling, and instead spin everything for the positive. The fact is, sometimes life is negative. Bad things happen. How we experience it shapes how we understand it. Pleasing others has been a part of me, though not a huge part. It's even less a part of me now. But I wonder if being strong in my mom's eyes, or being strong for her, was my way of pleasing her. Thoughts that are swirling in my head and heart as I try to understand and let go of my need/desire/want to be strong. Guess what, I'm weak. But HE is strong.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have more to write about, but I'm running out of time. My favorite local, listener-supported radio station is having a 6th birthday party tonight and I'm very excited about it.
Promise I won't be such a stranger.. Maybe not writing is a good sign.. I accept that it will wax and wane. If you're reading this, I'm glad to have you along for the ride. God has me on a rollercoaster and sometimes it's scary, but always exciting. I finally see it as exciting. The unknown doesn't scare me. I know He will be faithful. He sees everything I don't. He sees everything. How amazing is that.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
here
Superchick - Suddenly
She feels lost in her own life
Treading water just to keep from slipping under
And she wonders if she's where she's supposed to be
Tired of trying to do it right
Her dreams are just too far away to see how steps she's making might be taking her to who she'll be
And suddenly it isn't what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly I am where I'm supposed to be
And after all the tears, I was supposed to be here
She feels locked in her own life
Scared of what she might lose
If she moves away from who she was
And she's afraid of being free
There's a way she knows is right
And she can't feel the things she knows and so each step she's taking
Is a step of faith towards who she'll be
And suddenly it isn't what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly I am where I'm supposed to be
And after all the tears, I was supposed to be here
And here where the night is darkest black
She feels the fear
And the light is farthest back
And through her tears
She can see the dawn
It's coming skies will clear
And the light will find her where she's always been
And suddenly it isn't what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly I am where I'm supposed to be
And after all the tears, I was supposed to be here
She feels lost in her own life
Treading water just to keep from slipping under
And she wonders if she's where she's supposed to be
Tired of trying to do it right
Her dreams are just too far away to see how steps she's making might be taking her to who she'll be
And suddenly it isn't what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly I am where I'm supposed to be
And after all the tears, I was supposed to be here
She feels locked in her own life
Scared of what she might lose
If she moves away from who she was
And she's afraid of being free
There's a way she knows is right
And she can't feel the things she knows and so each step she's taking
Is a step of faith towards who she'll be
And suddenly it isn't what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly I am where I'm supposed to be
And after all the tears, I was supposed to be here
And here where the night is darkest black
She feels the fear
And the light is farthest back
And through her tears
She can see the dawn
It's coming skies will clear
And the light will find her where she's always been
And suddenly it isn't what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly I am where I'm supposed to be
And after all the tears, I was supposed to be here
Friday, January 7, 2011
Searching For God Knows What
Searching For God Knows What - Donald Miller
I loved this book. Soaked it in. Miller's conversational style made it a very readable book, and kept me wanting more.
The main theme that I got from the book is that faith in God is not about a formula, but a relationship.
....What if what we really want in life is relational? Now this changes things quite a bit, because if the gospel of Jesus is just some formula I obey in order to get taken off the naughty list and put on a nice list, then it doesn't meet the deep need of the human condition, it doesn't interact with the great desire of my soul, and it has nothing to do with the hidden (or rather, obvious) language we are all speaking. But if it is more, if it is a story about humanity falling away from the community that named it, and an attempt to bring humanity back to that community, and if it is more than a basic series of ideas, but rather speaks directly into this basic human need we are feeling, then the gospel of Jesus is the most relevant message in the history of humankind.
....What if the gospel of Jesus was an invitation to know God?
....But if the gospel of Jesus is relational; this is, if our brokenness will be fixed, not by our understanding of theology, but by God telling us who we are, then this would require a kind of intimacy of which only heaven knows.
....God's love, God's voice and presence, would instill in our souls with such affirmation we would need nothing more and would cause us to love other people so much we would be willing to die for them.
....God wired us so that He told us who we were, and outside of that relationship, the relationship that said we were loved and valued and beautiful, we didn't have any worth at all.
....What if a person isn't supposed to be alone, isn't supposed to have glory on his own, but rather get glory from the God who loves him?
....The way they are wired will be fulfilled, that they will be told who they are by God and God's glory will shine through them, giving them value and worth and a feeling they are loved.
....We will be fulfilled when we are finally with God and, in His companionship, we know who we are? What if when we are with God, we feel that we have glory, we feel His love for us, and know, in a way infinitely more satisfying than a parent's love or a lover's love, that we matter?
....Morality became a code, rather than a manifestation of a love for Christ.
....What we need here, truly, is faith in a Being, not a list of ideas.
....If we trust in a formula, if we trust in steps, we are not trusting in God. Formulas, while helping us organize our faith, also tempt us to trust in them rather than in God.
....Christ's death, again, was not a technicality by which we are covered with grace, but rather a passionate and inconceivable act of kindness and altruism and love stemming from God's desire to be reunited with His creation.
It made me think deeper about how Jesus related to people, and how we relate to people. Jesus didn't shove religion down people's throats. He didn't come to enforce the law and hate people who didn't abide by it. He came to love. He came to show God's love to people. If we are to be His hands and feet, that is what we are to do. LOVE.
....He never sat down and wrote a mission statement. Instead, He accumulated friends and allowed them to write about Him, talk about Him, testify about Him.
....Jesus built our faith system entirely on relationships.
....He seemed to want people to be together, to live together and love one another and link arms.
(at the part I wrote "Hippie Jesus :) " in the margin. Really, He loved the earth, He loved the people around Him. He took care of people. He didn't hate. I'm sure He recycled....)
....If we know God, we will love our brother.
Made me think about church.. and pastoring.. and culture...
....Is Jesus acting in our hearts to reach out to the person who isn't like us -- the oppressed, the poor, the unchurched -- and to humble ourselves, give of our money, build our communities in love, give our time, our creativity, get on our knees before our enemies in humility, treating them as Scripture says, as people who are more important than we are?
...How odd would it seem to have been one of the members of the early church, shepherded by Paul or Peter, and to come forward a thousand years to see people standing in line or sitting quietly in a large building that looked like a schoolroom or movie theater, to take communion. How different would it seem from the way they did it, sitting around somebody's living room table, grabbing a hunk of bread and holding their own glass of wine, exchanging stories about Christ, perhaps laughing, perhaps crying, consoling each other, telling one another that the Person who has exploded into their hearts was indeed the Son of God, their Bridegoom, come to tell them who they were, come to mend the broken relationship, come to marry them in a spiritual union more beautiful, more intimate than anything they could know on earth.
....if what we were really doing in evangelical circles, then, had more to do with redeeming ourselves to culture than it did with showing Jesus to a hurting world.
....justifying ourselves to culture, as if culture had some kind of authority to redeem us in the first place.
....love's manifestation as service to the people in the church, working itself out in love for others.
Made me think about my journey, and transformation, and surrender and pain...
....All you must do to engage God is be willing to leave everything behind, be willing to walk away from your identity, and embrace joyfully the trials and tribulations, the torture and perhaps martyrdom that will come upon you for being a child of God in a broken world working on its own redemption in empty pursuits.
....Imagine how much a man's life would be changed if he trusted that he was loved by God?
....This kind of life could take place only within a relationship with God, the One who takes care of our needs, the One who really has the power to tell us who we are, if we would only trust Him.
....There is a certain freedom in getting our feelings of redemption from God and not other people.
....Why not get your glory from God? Why not accept your feelings of redemption because of His pleasure in you, not the fickle and empty favor of man? And only then will you know who you are, and only then will you have true, uninhibited relationships with others.
....Jesus says, after all, to know Him we must follow Him, we must cling to Him and imitate Him, and many places in Scripture the idea is presented that if we know Him, we will obey Him.
....the first thing that God wanted to communicate to mankind was that life is hard, and there is pain, great pain in life, and yet the answer to this pain, or the cure for this pain, is not given in explanation; rather God offers to this pain or this life experience, Himself. Not steps, not an understanding, not a philosophy, but Himself.
....so from the beginning, from the very first story told in Scripture, God presents life, as it is, without escape, with only Himself to cling to.
....Christ asking that we "follow" Him....a clinging to Him or imitation of Him, Christ, in short, asks us to give everything....all our false ideas about who God is, all our trust in something other than God to redeem us. In so doing, we die to our broken natures in exchange for His perfect nature, and find a unification with Him that will allow God to see us as one.
....The strength is all His, and the gift is all ours
....In His presence we will not hate ourselves, second-guess ourselves, or compare ourselves to others; but rather, our lives will be filled with the gratitude of His presence.
....God whispering in my ear that I no longer had to perform in a circus, I no longer had to defend myself in the sinking lifeboat, that God had come to earth, made Himself human, taken the world's sin upon Himself, and was crucified for me, so that His glory could shine through me, and I could be made whole.
I loved this book. Soaked it in. Miller's conversational style made it a very readable book, and kept me wanting more.
The main theme that I got from the book is that faith in God is not about a formula, but a relationship.
....What if what we really want in life is relational? Now this changes things quite a bit, because if the gospel of Jesus is just some formula I obey in order to get taken off the naughty list and put on a nice list, then it doesn't meet the deep need of the human condition, it doesn't interact with the great desire of my soul, and it has nothing to do with the hidden (or rather, obvious) language we are all speaking. But if it is more, if it is a story about humanity falling away from the community that named it, and an attempt to bring humanity back to that community, and if it is more than a basic series of ideas, but rather speaks directly into this basic human need we are feeling, then the gospel of Jesus is the most relevant message in the history of humankind.
....What if the gospel of Jesus was an invitation to know God?
....But if the gospel of Jesus is relational; this is, if our brokenness will be fixed, not by our understanding of theology, but by God telling us who we are, then this would require a kind of intimacy of which only heaven knows.
....God's love, God's voice and presence, would instill in our souls with such affirmation we would need nothing more and would cause us to love other people so much we would be willing to die for them.
....God wired us so that He told us who we were, and outside of that relationship, the relationship that said we were loved and valued and beautiful, we didn't have any worth at all.
....What if a person isn't supposed to be alone, isn't supposed to have glory on his own, but rather get glory from the God who loves him?
....The way they are wired will be fulfilled, that they will be told who they are by God and God's glory will shine through them, giving them value and worth and a feeling they are loved.
....We will be fulfilled when we are finally with God and, in His companionship, we know who we are? What if when we are with God, we feel that we have glory, we feel His love for us, and know, in a way infinitely more satisfying than a parent's love or a lover's love, that we matter?
....Morality became a code, rather than a manifestation of a love for Christ.
....What we need here, truly, is faith in a Being, not a list of ideas.
....If we trust in a formula, if we trust in steps, we are not trusting in God. Formulas, while helping us organize our faith, also tempt us to trust in them rather than in God.
....Christ's death, again, was not a technicality by which we are covered with grace, but rather a passionate and inconceivable act of kindness and altruism and love stemming from God's desire to be reunited with His creation.
It made me think deeper about how Jesus related to people, and how we relate to people. Jesus didn't shove religion down people's throats. He didn't come to enforce the law and hate people who didn't abide by it. He came to love. He came to show God's love to people. If we are to be His hands and feet, that is what we are to do. LOVE.
....He never sat down and wrote a mission statement. Instead, He accumulated friends and allowed them to write about Him, talk about Him, testify about Him.
....Jesus built our faith system entirely on relationships.
....He seemed to want people to be together, to live together and love one another and link arms.
(at the part I wrote "Hippie Jesus :) " in the margin. Really, He loved the earth, He loved the people around Him. He took care of people. He didn't hate. I'm sure He recycled....)
....If we know God, we will love our brother.
Made me think about church.. and pastoring.. and culture...
....Is Jesus acting in our hearts to reach out to the person who isn't like us -- the oppressed, the poor, the unchurched -- and to humble ourselves, give of our money, build our communities in love, give our time, our creativity, get on our knees before our enemies in humility, treating them as Scripture says, as people who are more important than we are?
...How odd would it seem to have been one of the members of the early church, shepherded by Paul or Peter, and to come forward a thousand years to see people standing in line or sitting quietly in a large building that looked like a schoolroom or movie theater, to take communion. How different would it seem from the way they did it, sitting around somebody's living room table, grabbing a hunk of bread and holding their own glass of wine, exchanging stories about Christ, perhaps laughing, perhaps crying, consoling each other, telling one another that the Person who has exploded into their hearts was indeed the Son of God, their Bridegoom, come to tell them who they were, come to mend the broken relationship, come to marry them in a spiritual union more beautiful, more intimate than anything they could know on earth.
....if what we were really doing in evangelical circles, then, had more to do with redeeming ourselves to culture than it did with showing Jesus to a hurting world.
....justifying ourselves to culture, as if culture had some kind of authority to redeem us in the first place.
....love's manifestation as service to the people in the church, working itself out in love for others.
Made me think about my journey, and transformation, and surrender and pain...
....All you must do to engage God is be willing to leave everything behind, be willing to walk away from your identity, and embrace joyfully the trials and tribulations, the torture and perhaps martyrdom that will come upon you for being a child of God in a broken world working on its own redemption in empty pursuits.
....Imagine how much a man's life would be changed if he trusted that he was loved by God?
....This kind of life could take place only within a relationship with God, the One who takes care of our needs, the One who really has the power to tell us who we are, if we would only trust Him.
....There is a certain freedom in getting our feelings of redemption from God and not other people.
....Why not get your glory from God? Why not accept your feelings of redemption because of His pleasure in you, not the fickle and empty favor of man? And only then will you know who you are, and only then will you have true, uninhibited relationships with others.
....Jesus says, after all, to know Him we must follow Him, we must cling to Him and imitate Him, and many places in Scripture the idea is presented that if we know Him, we will obey Him.
....the first thing that God wanted to communicate to mankind was that life is hard, and there is pain, great pain in life, and yet the answer to this pain, or the cure for this pain, is not given in explanation; rather God offers to this pain or this life experience, Himself. Not steps, not an understanding, not a philosophy, but Himself.
....so from the beginning, from the very first story told in Scripture, God presents life, as it is, without escape, with only Himself to cling to.
....Christ asking that we "follow" Him....a clinging to Him or imitation of Him, Christ, in short, asks us to give everything....all our false ideas about who God is, all our trust in something other than God to redeem us. In so doing, we die to our broken natures in exchange for His perfect nature, and find a unification with Him that will allow God to see us as one.
....The strength is all His, and the gift is all ours
....In His presence we will not hate ourselves, second-guess ourselves, or compare ourselves to others; but rather, our lives will be filled with the gratitude of His presence.
....God whispering in my ear that I no longer had to perform in a circus, I no longer had to defend myself in the sinking lifeboat, that God had come to earth, made Himself human, taken the world's sin upon Himself, and was crucified for me, so that His glory could shine through me, and I could be made whole.
books books books
Hmm. I'm a person who likes to do things chronologically. Surprising, right? But if I wanted to do my book notes on here chronologically.. I'd have to start with Crazy Love, and I don't have it here with me.. so I guess it's not gonna go according to my plan.. and I'll write about the second book instead. :)
Searching For God Knows What by Donald Miller
This was the first book of his that I have read. I heard great things about him as an author and I was very excited to get started. Story though - I bought this book about a year ago actually, almost exactly a year ago, when I was dating someone who was not a Christian, and I thought it might help me get ideas of conversation starters with him, to help him understand Christianity (read: to change him). Needless to say, it didn't work. I didn't get around to reading the book (surprise?) and we talked about Christianity.. but not so much in the way of him being interested, as us discussing if it was a deal-breaker. Quite the difference there. So at the time I bought this book, Would You Believe? by Tom Harpur, and When I Don't Desire God by John Piper. I started reading Would You Believe and found it very interesting, but more about my path than his. I still haven't finished it. Those were the days I was not a book-finisher. Lately I've been reading books that I can't wait to continue reading, and enjoy finishing. But anyway, so I had these books, for a reason I didn't really follow-through on, and don't think I was meant to. Lesson learned, dating a Christian is a must. Deal-breaker for sure.
So after reading Crazy Love, I looked through my bookshelf (recently rearranged, to have faith-related books together, which makes me feel good, and excited about the books I have, and also thrilled to buy more.) Did I mention my Amazon cart has hmm 15 books in it?
Searching For God Knows What stood out and I picked it for my next read.
Mind you, I have always been anti-dog-ear, anti-writing, even anti-highlighting (in non-textbook books).. well. This book has writing, highlighting, and dog-ears galore. Let go, Tamara. Do what feels right.
I tend to forget what I read, but I'm finding that isn't the case with theology-related books. I'm soaking it all in like a sponge. But underlining, writing in the margins, and dog-earring is helping me be able to go back and find the exact quote that I want.
So without further ado..
Searching For God Knows What by Donald Miller
This was the first book of his that I have read. I heard great things about him as an author and I was very excited to get started. Story though - I bought this book about a year ago actually, almost exactly a year ago, when I was dating someone who was not a Christian, and I thought it might help me get ideas of conversation starters with him, to help him understand Christianity (read: to change him). Needless to say, it didn't work. I didn't get around to reading the book (surprise?) and we talked about Christianity.. but not so much in the way of him being interested, as us discussing if it was a deal-breaker. Quite the difference there. So at the time I bought this book, Would You Believe? by Tom Harpur, and When I Don't Desire God by John Piper. I started reading Would You Believe and found it very interesting, but more about my path than his. I still haven't finished it. Those were the days I was not a book-finisher. Lately I've been reading books that I can't wait to continue reading, and enjoy finishing. But anyway, so I had these books, for a reason I didn't really follow-through on, and don't think I was meant to. Lesson learned, dating a Christian is a must. Deal-breaker for sure.
So after reading Crazy Love, I looked through my bookshelf (recently rearranged, to have faith-related books together, which makes me feel good, and excited about the books I have, and also thrilled to buy more.) Did I mention my Amazon cart has hmm 15 books in it?
Searching For God Knows What stood out and I picked it for my next read.
Mind you, I have always been anti-dog-ear, anti-writing, even anti-highlighting (in non-textbook books).. well. This book has writing, highlighting, and dog-ears galore. Let go, Tamara. Do what feels right.
I tend to forget what I read, but I'm finding that isn't the case with theology-related books. I'm soaking it all in like a sponge. But underlining, writing in the margins, and dog-earring is helping me be able to go back and find the exact quote that I want.
So without further ado..
Thursday, January 6, 2011
alone
A friend sent this to me. Amazing. So many truths. I know exactly what she's talking about.
HOW TO BE ALONE by Tanya Davis
If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you've not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren't okay with it, then just wait. You'll find it's fine to be alone once you're embracing it.
We could start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library. Where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books. You're not supposed to talk much anyway so it's safe there.
There's also the gym. If you're shy you could hang out with yourself in mirrors, you could put headphones in.
And there's public transportation, because we all gotta go places.
And there's prayer and meditation. No one will think less if you're hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation.
Start simple. Things you may have previously (electric guitar plucking) based on your avoid being alone principals.
The lunch counter. Where you will be surrounded by chow-downers. Employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town and so they -- like you -- will be alone.
Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.
When you are comfortable with eat lunch and run, take yourself out for dinner. A restaurant with linen and silverware. You're no less intriguing a person when you're eating solo dessert to cleaning the whipped cream from the dish with your finger. In fact some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.
Go to the movies. Where it is dark and soothing. Alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community.
And then, take yourself out dancing to a club where no one knows you. Stand on the outside of the floor till the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one's watching...because, they're probably not. And, if they are, assume it is with best of human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats is, after all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you're sweating, and beads of perspiration remind you of life's best things, down your back like a brook of blessings.
Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you.
Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, there are always statues to talk to and benches made for sitting give strangers a shared existence if only for a minute and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversations you get in by sitting alone on benches might've never happened had you not been there by yourself
Society is afraid of alonedom, like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements, like people must have problems if, after a while, nobody is dating them. but lonely is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it.
You could stand, swathed by groups and mobs or hold hands with your partner, look both further and farther for the endless quest for company. But no one's in your head and by the time you translate your thoughts, some essence of them may be lost or perhaps it is just kept.
Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those sappy slogans from preschool over to high school's groaning were tokens for holding the lonely at bay. Cuz if you're happy in your head than solitude is blessed and alone is okay.
It's okay if no one believes like you. All experience is unique, no one has the same synapses, can't think like you, for this be relieved, keeps things interesting life's magic things in reach.
And it doesn't mean you're not connected, that community's not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it. take silence and respect it. if you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it. if your family doesn't get you, or religious sect is not meant for you, don't obsess about it.
You could be in an instant surrounded if you needed it
If your heart is bleeding make the best of it
There is heat in freezing, be a testament.
HOW TO BE ALONE by Tanya Davis
If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you've not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren't okay with it, then just wait. You'll find it's fine to be alone once you're embracing it.
We could start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library. Where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books. You're not supposed to talk much anyway so it's safe there.
There's also the gym. If you're shy you could hang out with yourself in mirrors, you could put headphones in.
And there's public transportation, because we all gotta go places.
And there's prayer and meditation. No one will think less if you're hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation.
Start simple. Things you may have previously (electric guitar plucking) based on your avoid being alone principals.
The lunch counter. Where you will be surrounded by chow-downers. Employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town and so they -- like you -- will be alone.
Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.
When you are comfortable with eat lunch and run, take yourself out for dinner. A restaurant with linen and silverware. You're no less intriguing a person when you're eating solo dessert to cleaning the whipped cream from the dish with your finger. In fact some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.
Go to the movies. Where it is dark and soothing. Alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community.
And then, take yourself out dancing to a club where no one knows you. Stand on the outside of the floor till the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one's watching...because, they're probably not. And, if they are, assume it is with best of human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats is, after all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you're sweating, and beads of perspiration remind you of life's best things, down your back like a brook of blessings.
Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you.
Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, there are always statues to talk to and benches made for sitting give strangers a shared existence if only for a minute and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversations you get in by sitting alone on benches might've never happened had you not been there by yourself
Society is afraid of alonedom, like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements, like people must have problems if, after a while, nobody is dating them. but lonely is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it.
You could stand, swathed by groups and mobs or hold hands with your partner, look both further and farther for the endless quest for company. But no one's in your head and by the time you translate your thoughts, some essence of them may be lost or perhaps it is just kept.
Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those sappy slogans from preschool over to high school's groaning were tokens for holding the lonely at bay. Cuz if you're happy in your head than solitude is blessed and alone is okay.
It's okay if no one believes like you. All experience is unique, no one has the same synapses, can't think like you, for this be relieved, keeps things interesting life's magic things in reach.
And it doesn't mean you're not connected, that community's not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it. take silence and respect it. if you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it. if your family doesn't get you, or religious sect is not meant for you, don't obsess about it.
You could be in an instant surrounded if you needed it
If your heart is bleeding make the best of it
There is heat in freezing, be a testament.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
not knowing
I'm not sure why, but I've been having a very rough couple of days. I've been crying a lot. I haven't figured it out, He hasn't shown me why. But that's real. That is really what is going on. Finally being honest with myself and others about my emotions and depression (and joys, sharing happiness is important too). I'm finally allowing myself to feel everything. This has been a huge part of my journey. Finally letting myself be sad, angry, frustrated, disappointed.. all of these negative emotions that I have always (read: always) pushed aside, placated, tried to forget, etc.. finally letting myself just be whatever I am feeling at any given moment. And for these past two days, it's been mostly sadness. He hasn't revealed to me why, and He might not, but I know He has a purpose for it that I can't see.
My Utmost For His Highest this morning was amazing. I'll write the whole thing, there isn't just one part I want to take out.. the whole thing is just.. it.
Believe God is always the God you know Him to be when you are nearest to Him. Then think how unnecessary and disrespectful worry is! Let the attitude of your life be a continual willingness to "go out" in dependence upon God, and your life will have a sacred and inexpressible charm about it that is very satisfying to Jesus. You must learn to "go out" through your convictions, creeds, or experiences until you come to the point in your faith where there is nothing between yourself and God.
My Utmost For His Highest this morning was amazing. I'll write the whole thing, there isn't just one part I want to take out.. the whole thing is just.. it.
"Will You Go Without Knowing?"
'He went out, not knowing where he was going' - Hebrews 11:8
'He went out, not knowing where he was going' - Hebrews 11:8
Have you ever "gone out" in this way? If so, there is not logical answer possible when anyone asks you what you are doing. One of the most difficult questions to answer in Christian work is, "What do you expect to do?" You don't know what you are going to do. The only thing you know is that God knows what He is doing. Continually examine your attitude toward God to see if you are willing to "go out" in every area of your life, trusting in God entirely. It is this attitude that keeps you in constant wonder, because you don't know what God is going to do next. Each morning as you wake, there is a new opportunity to "go out," building your confidence in God. "...do not worry about your life... nor about the body..." (Luke 12:22). In other words, don't worry about the things that concerned you before you did "go out."
Have you been asking God what He is going to do? He will never tell you. God does not tell you what He is going to do--He reveals to you who He is. Do you believe in a miracle-working God, and you will "go out" in complete surrender to Him until you are not surprised one iota by anything He does?
Believe God is always the God you know Him to be when you are nearest to Him. Then think how unnecessary and disrespectful worry is! Let the attitude of your life be a continual willingness to "go out" in dependence upon God, and your life will have a sacred and inexpressible charm about it that is very satisfying to Jesus. You must learn to "go out" through your convictions, creeds, or experiences until you come to the point in your faith where there is nothing between yourself and God.
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