Not to give away the book that I'm currently reading, since I'll write about it once I'm done.. but I'm just too excited about this to wait! I read this today and it made me cry. This is my transformation.
Sometimes the Lord lets us get to the end of our rope on a project or ambition because He loves us too much to interfere. If He were to intervene, we would never learn. But once I have tried and failed, and then give it to Him, I know the next time to trust Him with it from the start. God's love is patient, and His patience with me allows me to discover for myself that I can trust Him completely.
-From Love Is Now by Peter Gillquist
I remember saying to God, "I don't trust You. How can I trust You when you give me this phenomenal person and then take him away so abruptly, and of all things, to use him for something good? No. I don't trust You. I don't know how I can after this." and that's what it took.. a total breakdown. God said "See, that's the thing. You aren't trusting me. You haven't been. You've been saying that you were, but you weren't, not really. It's time that you start trusting that My plan is better than yours. I know things that you don't, I see things that You can't. I know what is good for you. And sometimes, the best thing is to take it away from you to show you just how much you need to rely on me for your answers and fulfillment."
Thursday, December 30, 2010
He is everything
These lyrics keep replaying in my head..
Kutless - Everything I Need
You are strength in my weakness
You are the refuge I seek
You are everything in my time of need
You are everything, You are everything I need
Kutless - Everything I Need
You are strength in my weakness
You are the refuge I seek
You are everything in my time of need
You are everything, You are everything I need
plans change
This is a song I heard a month or so ago, and it just spoke so incredibly loudly to me. It was on the radio just now and I want to share the part that is so.. it.
Matthew West - My Own Little World
Father, break my heart for what breaks Yours
Give me open arms and open doors
Put Your light in my eyes so everyone will see
That my own little world is not about me
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
None of my plans in the last few days have worked out. Okay, wait, let's be real. At least 3/4 of my plans in the last 2 MONTHS have not worked out (not how I had planned them to, anyway). Friends and I were supposed to go on a 4 day roadtrip Tuesday-Friday this week. 2 of them are sick. I have spent this entire week almost completely, entirely, alone. I don't think I've written about this much, but I have at times (okay a lot of times) an intense anxiety and fear around being alone. It goes back to some stuff in childhood. Stuff that I thought I had worked through completely with my therapist years ago, but it's resurfacing with the recent changes and whatnot. So anyway, here I have all of this time by myself. It's comical, really, how God is using this. ALL of my friends are either 1) sick or 2) working. I'm on PTO because I had time left that I had to "use or lose".. so here I am. God is like.. "Well, here you go. Here's a bunch of time to yourself. Let's see how you do. You're not alone, you're never alone. I'm going to use this time to show you that, and not only that, but that time alone can be wonderful and relaxing, transformative even." And man, He has. I am reading and writing more than, I don't know.. ever? I never set aside this much time to do anything. And here, I don't really have an option. It's rain-snowing outside, and really, there isn't anywhere important enough for me to go to get out there and drive in that.
So here I am, reading an amazing book and lounging around. I never do this. Well, never did this. Things are changing, that's for sure. In this unbridled time to myself and freedom, really, I'm seeing that my life on a regular basis is CRAZY hectic. Always running around, always busy. I sleep at my house, and that's about it. I say good morning to my cat, feed him, come home, feed him, and say good night to him. That's sad! We need cuddle time. He needs attention. Heck, I need attention! I need to give myself attention and time. That's what these days have been. Running around on a roadtrip may have been fun, but very little relaxation is in that. Not much time for introspection or for my relationship with God to deepen through the books I'm reading. I'm really soaking it all in. It's amazing! I can't wait to write about the book I'm reading right now. I want to summarize the key parts of the book I just read too. I'll do that, sometime. :)
He is showing me, teaching me, to treasure the time to myself. Treasure my time spent reading about Him and His Word. Time to focus on my relationship with Him. It's amazing. Plans change, plans get canceled, plans get moved.. and He uses it all.
Honestly, looking back at the last 2 months and ALL of the plans that I have made, that didn't go as I had planned, they turned out even better. No, that relationship didn't continue, but look at my relationship with God now. That's a big example. And even down to the little ones. Like this week. No, that trip didn't happen, but look at the time I have been spending on my own, and with my God, time that I wouldn't have otherwise had.
It's amazing. He's amazing.
Oh, and I took my StrengthsFinder.. can't wait to write about those results! Holy cannoli!
Matthew West - My Own Little World
Father, break my heart for what breaks Yours
Give me open arms and open doors
Put Your light in my eyes so everyone will see
That my own little world is not about me
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
None of my plans in the last few days have worked out. Okay, wait, let's be real. At least 3/4 of my plans in the last 2 MONTHS have not worked out (not how I had planned them to, anyway). Friends and I were supposed to go on a 4 day roadtrip Tuesday-Friday this week. 2 of them are sick. I have spent this entire week almost completely, entirely, alone. I don't think I've written about this much, but I have at times (okay a lot of times) an intense anxiety and fear around being alone. It goes back to some stuff in childhood. Stuff that I thought I had worked through completely with my therapist years ago, but it's resurfacing with the recent changes and whatnot. So anyway, here I have all of this time by myself. It's comical, really, how God is using this. ALL of my friends are either 1) sick or 2) working. I'm on PTO because I had time left that I had to "use or lose".. so here I am. God is like.. "Well, here you go. Here's a bunch of time to yourself. Let's see how you do. You're not alone, you're never alone. I'm going to use this time to show you that, and not only that, but that time alone can be wonderful and relaxing, transformative even." And man, He has. I am reading and writing more than, I don't know.. ever? I never set aside this much time to do anything. And here, I don't really have an option. It's rain-snowing outside, and really, there isn't anywhere important enough for me to go to get out there and drive in that.
So here I am, reading an amazing book and lounging around. I never do this. Well, never did this. Things are changing, that's for sure. In this unbridled time to myself and freedom, really, I'm seeing that my life on a regular basis is CRAZY hectic. Always running around, always busy. I sleep at my house, and that's about it. I say good morning to my cat, feed him, come home, feed him, and say good night to him. That's sad! We need cuddle time. He needs attention. Heck, I need attention! I need to give myself attention and time. That's what these days have been. Running around on a roadtrip may have been fun, but very little relaxation is in that. Not much time for introspection or for my relationship with God to deepen through the books I'm reading. I'm really soaking it all in. It's amazing! I can't wait to write about the book I'm reading right now. I want to summarize the key parts of the book I just read too. I'll do that, sometime. :)
He is showing me, teaching me, to treasure the time to myself. Treasure my time spent reading about Him and His Word. Time to focus on my relationship with Him. It's amazing. Plans change, plans get canceled, plans get moved.. and He uses it all.
Honestly, looking back at the last 2 months and ALL of the plans that I have made, that didn't go as I had planned, they turned out even better. No, that relationship didn't continue, but look at my relationship with God now. That's a big example. And even down to the little ones. Like this week. No, that trip didn't happen, but look at the time I have been spending on my own, and with my God, time that I wouldn't have otherwise had.
It's amazing. He's amazing.
Oh, and I took my StrengthsFinder.. can't wait to write about those results! Holy cannoli!
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
misc thoughts
Browsing blogs again, and I came upon this really good excerpt..
It's interesting - God is really working in me right now. It is a battle. (Isn't it always?) Do I want to continue to try to live my life on my own terms or do I want to give control to God? This all sounds familiar to me.... haven't I gone through this at least once before?
The answer is of course yes. Yes I have. And the results were excellent. When I let go of things and let God have everything, I can be assured that my life is headed in the right direction.
Sounds familiar, eh? Turns out I'm not the only one going through stuff like this ;o)
She had this quote posted too.. I like it.
"If you want to live in accordance with God's plan, you must make a decision to become obedient to Him in every area of your life. Everything else will follow that decision. "Obey me, and I will be your God and you will be my people. Walk in all the ways I command you, that it may go well with you." Jeremiah 7:23-24
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Found a different blog that had this picture on it. Makes you think... and thankful.
I have all of these things.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And this post.. wow. How Big Is Your But?
It's interesting - God is really working in me right now. It is a battle. (Isn't it always?) Do I want to continue to try to live my life on my own terms or do I want to give control to God? This all sounds familiar to me.... haven't I gone through this at least once before?
The answer is of course yes. Yes I have. And the results were excellent. When I let go of things and let God have everything, I can be assured that my life is headed in the right direction.
Sounds familiar, eh? Turns out I'm not the only one going through stuff like this ;o)
She had this quote posted too.. I like it.
"If you want to live in accordance with God's plan, you must make a decision to become obedient to Him in every area of your life. Everything else will follow that decision. "Obey me, and I will be your God and you will be my people. Walk in all the ways I command you, that it may go well with you." Jeremiah 7:23-24
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Found a different blog that had this picture on it. Makes you think... and thankful.
I have all of these things.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And this post.. wow. How Big Is Your But?
Posted by Mike Foster on People of the Second Chance
So how big is your but? And I’m not talking about the fact that you went on a binge of Christmas cookies and chocolate fudge over the holiday.
I’m talking about all the excuses we use to live a tiny and stunted life.
Most of our buts are driven by fear and feelings of inadequacy. Though bottom line they are an excuse…and a justification to continue to live in our comfort zone.
Let this truth scream at you everyday in 2011. Consider this:
THE ONLY THING THAT HAS EVER HELD YOU BACK FROM HAVING WHAT YOU WANT IN LIFE IS THE SIZE OF YOUR BUT!
Ask any great achiever and I guarantee that have had to overcome massive obstacles, disabilities, lack of resources and had to push through the valley.
Dream big this year! Move out of your comfort zone! Put on a new wardrobe of courage! Let your New Year resolutions be audacious!
And remember the words of Michaelangelo….
“The greatest danger for most of us is not that we aim too high and we miss it, but we aim too low and reach it.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I think it's very easy to hear the "buts.." instead of the "you can"s.. I hear it in myself. I feel very confident about becoming a therapist. It's something that has been on my heart for.. 12 years? Something like that. It's something that has been affirmed by countless people. It's my heart's desire.
But this new seed that God has planted.. the pastor seed.. that one I can relate to with the idea of "buts" ..
-But I don't have a degree in it
-But I don't know the Bible well enough
-But sometimes I'm really not a people-person, sometimes I don't want to be needed
-But it's scary
-But it'll stretch me
-But I'm so young, will anyone believe me? trust me?
And God (again, not surprisingly) says, "It's not about any of those things. It is not about you. It's all about Me. I will give you everything you need to do the work that I have called you to do. Have no fear. I am with you. I will do this, through you."
He abolishes any BUT I come up with. He can do anything. That includes equipping me to be a pastor. Wow.
So how big is your but? And I’m not talking about the fact that you went on a binge of Christmas cookies and chocolate fudge over the holiday.
I’m talking about all the excuses we use to live a tiny and stunted life.
Most of our buts are driven by fear and feelings of inadequacy. Though bottom line they are an excuse…and a justification to continue to live in our comfort zone.
Let this truth scream at you everyday in 2011. Consider this:
THE ONLY THING THAT HAS EVER HELD YOU BACK FROM HAVING WHAT YOU WANT IN LIFE IS THE SIZE OF YOUR BUT!
Ask any great achiever and I guarantee that have had to overcome massive obstacles, disabilities, lack of resources and had to push through the valley.
Dream big this year! Move out of your comfort zone! Put on a new wardrobe of courage! Let your New Year resolutions be audacious!
And remember the words of Michaelangelo….
“The greatest danger for most of us is not that we aim too high and we miss it, but we aim too low and reach it.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I think it's very easy to hear the "buts.." instead of the "you can"s.. I hear it in myself. I feel very confident about becoming a therapist. It's something that has been on my heart for.. 12 years? Something like that. It's something that has been affirmed by countless people. It's my heart's desire.
But this new seed that God has planted.. the pastor seed.. that one I can relate to with the idea of "buts" ..
-But I don't have a degree in it
-But I don't know the Bible well enough
-But sometimes I'm really not a people-person, sometimes I don't want to be needed
-But it's scary
-But it'll stretch me
-But I'm so young, will anyone believe me? trust me?
And God (again, not surprisingly) says, "It's not about any of those things. It is not about you. It's all about Me. I will give you everything you need to do the work that I have called you to do. Have no fear. I am with you. I will do this, through you."
He abolishes any BUT I come up with. He can do anything. That includes equipping me to be a pastor. Wow.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
becoming
So I subscribe to a daily email called The Daily Love. It's affirmations and quotes and different things. This is an excerpt from one from the other day that I thought fit quite well with my journey..
The way you see the world changes after you start to become who you truly are. Seeking stops. Needing stops. You start to simply just be.
A veil of unconsciousness is lifted and you begin to see clearly why things didn't work out the way they did in the past. You see that if you had gotten what you "THOUGHT" you wanted it would have prevented you from living at your Highest Potential. When you view the world through the eyes of Love you begin to see the Oneness of all that is.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Daily Love is not faith-based, but is focused on a Higher Power (be it God, Allah, the stars, etc.). I thought this excerpt was interesting, especially the part of "a veil of unconsciousness".. since I've been seeing, hearing, and experiencing things differently in the last couple of months.
I also like the part about if you had gotten what you thought you wanted it would have prevented you from living at your highest potential.
The thing is, we never really know what's going to work out, especially what's going to work out according to OUR plans, if we focus on them. As I wrote yesterday, we don't ever really know. The only thing I am certain of is God's love for me and His plan that is better than mine, and has now (finally!) replaced mine. My plan has no place in my life, since my life is not my own, it is His. His to use.
I feel like I am finally becoming who I truly am. I am His. He is mine. We are One and He will use me in His will and plan for the vessel that is Tamara. I concur with the first statement of the excerpt, "seeking stops".. I no longer feel like I'm chasing after an elusive God who is changing my plans and making things not happen that felt so good or so right. The thing is, God was chasing after me, saying that He loves me and wants me to be happy, and that I don't really know what would make me happy, because I can't see everything that He can.
I am finally open to His will and His plan in my life. I feel like my heart has blossomed and is looking up toward the sun. Finally.
To be honest, I feel like I finally really became a Christian. I feel like I finally understand what it means to have Jesus in my heart, in my life, in my spirit, in my blood. God is inside of me in a way that He never has been. Yes, I "became" a Christian 11 or so years ago, but.. not really. Not like this. It was always a struggle. I always had my doubts. Especially in the last few years since I had distanced myself from church and college expanded my ideas to be more liberal (which I don't think is a bad thing, I'd consider myself a liberal). But during that time I was questioning a lot of things. I was saying and thinking that I believed that God was in my life, it was about His will (but I thought it was about how well His will meshed with mine, ahem, not how it goes, my friend), and that Jesus came and died for me.. but I had this itching thought in the back of my head.. 'Did He really? That seems a bit far-fetched.'.. I didn't really understand redemption and forgiveness. I feel like I finally do. I feel a tremendous weight lifted off of my shoulders. No pressure. It's not about my effort or my plans going the way I have constructed them to. I don't need to perform or be perfect (which is tricky because I am meticulous and detail-oriented.. a perfectionist if you really want to label it.. but I'm letting go of that, thank God). He loves me for me. Ooh good song lyrics about that..
(God speaking)
I will love you for you. Not for what you have done or what you will become. I will love you for you. I will give you the love, the love that you never knew.
But I feel like I finally understand redemption. I finally understand the sacrifice. I understand the eternal atonement. Honestly, even using words like "redemption" and "atonement" was not a part of my life two months ago. I can talk about Scripture that I never could before.. He's equipping me with things that I never had before. And the coolest part is sitting back in awe, because this is not my work, but His. It's His effort and His plan being lived out through the vessel that I am, for Him.
I had never considered this, until about a month ago. God put on my heart the idea of becoming a pastor. Really, as I type that, I think whoooaaa that's crazy. And it is! It is not something I would ever have thought I'd be called to do.
But He put it on my heart. And a week or so later I was meeting with one of my pastors, what an amazing conversation. He had asked me a couple months earlier if I had time to get coffee, he had something to run by me. I said yes, but he never pursued it further. Then God and my transformation and everything started happening and God put it on my heart that I am called to get involved with my church. Like, INvolved, not just afterparties and stuff like that. In the midst of it, inside. So I called him up and said let's get coffee!
We talked about everything that was going on with me, and how I was feeling so differently than I ever have, and this peace I have in my heart and soul and life. I asked him, "What was it that you wanted to run by me a couple month ago?" He said "I wanted to see where you felt called to get involved." I said, "Well the neat thing about God's timing is that a couple months ago I probably would have said no, since grad school was just starting and I didn't really feel like I could do more than I already was, and didn't really feel called to do more. But that's why I asked you to get coffee today, I'm ready to get involved. He's calling me to get INvolved."
So we talked about different things that there are to do, and he let me know about a couple areas where he could see me flourishing. It was amazing. He said multiple times, "Tamara, you're a leader. I can see Jesus in your life. You are an example." It was amazing to hear those things. And finally, not take the credit for them! No ego-boost. It's not about me. This is God in me.
The area I feel most called to is message-mapping. This is where a small group (pastors plus a few) get together and plan the message outline for two-weeks ahead. I went one week and it was fantastic. The coolest part is that is it not effort. In the past I would feel like it was a daunting task, or intimidating. And don't get me wrong, it's challenging, but it's growing me! It's amazing. And wonderful.
He also asked me if given my background in psychology, and working with divorcing families, and going for my master's in therapy, if I'd be interested in meeting with people who are having a hard time.. for coffee and a chat, or such things. I grinned and said YES! I would love to do that.
Then he said, "I'm not sure if you've ever thought about being a pastor..".. and I said "Well, actually.. about a week ago God put that on my heart."
So lots of new beginnings.. amazing ways that God is using me. I mean, He uses us all of the time in ways we can't see, but this is more overt.
So I've told a few people about the pastor idea, and it has been amazing. I told one of my friends about it a couple weeks ago and she said "I see that. Totally. I would come to listen to you." And she doesn't go to church, she is "spiritual" as she would describe it. Higher Powers, astrology and such. We had an absolutely amazing conversation about Jesus that night. It was so neat. And what I love about my friends is that they know that I would never try to convert them. It's not about that. But anyway, tangent!
And then yesterday I was getting my hair cut and talking with my friend who is my stylist, and I told her about how God has been moving in my life and making it His, finally, and I said that I'm getting more (way more) involved with my church, and He has planted the idea of becoming a pastor. And she said "Did you see my face? I'm not surprised. I totally see you doing that." How amazing. God, You are truly amazing.
So lots of possibilities. I also thought the other day, that maybe my masters in therapy is to equip me to work in a private setting, and be a pastor with further training in therapy than most pastors have. I could actually see people in a therapy setting, rather than just giving counsel (which apparently according to my pastor, I could be doing right now?? Wow!).
God's possibilities are endless. His love abounds. His strength never tires. His mercies are new each morning. He loves us so much. It is so freeing to finally, finally trust Him. Feel Him. Believe Him. Know Him.
The way you see the world changes after you start to become who you truly are. Seeking stops. Needing stops. You start to simply just be.
A veil of unconsciousness is lifted and you begin to see clearly why things didn't work out the way they did in the past. You see that if you had gotten what you "THOUGHT" you wanted it would have prevented you from living at your Highest Potential. When you view the world through the eyes of Love you begin to see the Oneness of all that is.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Daily Love is not faith-based, but is focused on a Higher Power (be it God, Allah, the stars, etc.). I thought this excerpt was interesting, especially the part of "a veil of unconsciousness".. since I've been seeing, hearing, and experiencing things differently in the last couple of months.
I also like the part about if you had gotten what you thought you wanted it would have prevented you from living at your highest potential.
The thing is, we never really know what's going to work out, especially what's going to work out according to OUR plans, if we focus on them. As I wrote yesterday, we don't ever really know. The only thing I am certain of is God's love for me and His plan that is better than mine, and has now (finally!) replaced mine. My plan has no place in my life, since my life is not my own, it is His. His to use.
I feel like I am finally becoming who I truly am. I am His. He is mine. We are One and He will use me in His will and plan for the vessel that is Tamara. I concur with the first statement of the excerpt, "seeking stops".. I no longer feel like I'm chasing after an elusive God who is changing my plans and making things not happen that felt so good or so right. The thing is, God was chasing after me, saying that He loves me and wants me to be happy, and that I don't really know what would make me happy, because I can't see everything that He can.
I am finally open to His will and His plan in my life. I feel like my heart has blossomed and is looking up toward the sun. Finally.
To be honest, I feel like I finally really became a Christian. I feel like I finally understand what it means to have Jesus in my heart, in my life, in my spirit, in my blood. God is inside of me in a way that He never has been. Yes, I "became" a Christian 11 or so years ago, but.. not really. Not like this. It was always a struggle. I always had my doubts. Especially in the last few years since I had distanced myself from church and college expanded my ideas to be more liberal (which I don't think is a bad thing, I'd consider myself a liberal). But during that time I was questioning a lot of things. I was saying and thinking that I believed that God was in my life, it was about His will (but I thought it was about how well His will meshed with mine, ahem, not how it goes, my friend), and that Jesus came and died for me.. but I had this itching thought in the back of my head.. 'Did He really? That seems a bit far-fetched.'.. I didn't really understand redemption and forgiveness. I feel like I finally do. I feel a tremendous weight lifted off of my shoulders. No pressure. It's not about my effort or my plans going the way I have constructed them to. I don't need to perform or be perfect (which is tricky because I am meticulous and detail-oriented.. a perfectionist if you really want to label it.. but I'm letting go of that, thank God). He loves me for me. Ooh good song lyrics about that..
(God speaking)
I will love you for you. Not for what you have done or what you will become. I will love you for you. I will give you the love, the love that you never knew.
But I feel like I finally understand redemption. I finally understand the sacrifice. I understand the eternal atonement. Honestly, even using words like "redemption" and "atonement" was not a part of my life two months ago. I can talk about Scripture that I never could before.. He's equipping me with things that I never had before. And the coolest part is sitting back in awe, because this is not my work, but His. It's His effort and His plan being lived out through the vessel that I am, for Him.
I had never considered this, until about a month ago. God put on my heart the idea of becoming a pastor. Really, as I type that, I think whoooaaa that's crazy. And it is! It is not something I would ever have thought I'd be called to do.
But He put it on my heart. And a week or so later I was meeting with one of my pastors, what an amazing conversation. He had asked me a couple months earlier if I had time to get coffee, he had something to run by me. I said yes, but he never pursued it further. Then God and my transformation and everything started happening and God put it on my heart that I am called to get involved with my church. Like, INvolved, not just afterparties and stuff like that. In the midst of it, inside. So I called him up and said let's get coffee!
We talked about everything that was going on with me, and how I was feeling so differently than I ever have, and this peace I have in my heart and soul and life. I asked him, "What was it that you wanted to run by me a couple month ago?" He said "I wanted to see where you felt called to get involved." I said, "Well the neat thing about God's timing is that a couple months ago I probably would have said no, since grad school was just starting and I didn't really feel like I could do more than I already was, and didn't really feel called to do more. But that's why I asked you to get coffee today, I'm ready to get involved. He's calling me to get INvolved."
So we talked about different things that there are to do, and he let me know about a couple areas where he could see me flourishing. It was amazing. He said multiple times, "Tamara, you're a leader. I can see Jesus in your life. You are an example." It was amazing to hear those things. And finally, not take the credit for them! No ego-boost. It's not about me. This is God in me.
The area I feel most called to is message-mapping. This is where a small group (pastors plus a few) get together and plan the message outline for two-weeks ahead. I went one week and it was fantastic. The coolest part is that is it not effort. In the past I would feel like it was a daunting task, or intimidating. And don't get me wrong, it's challenging, but it's growing me! It's amazing. And wonderful.
He also asked me if given my background in psychology, and working with divorcing families, and going for my master's in therapy, if I'd be interested in meeting with people who are having a hard time.. for coffee and a chat, or such things. I grinned and said YES! I would love to do that.
Then he said, "I'm not sure if you've ever thought about being a pastor..".. and I said "Well, actually.. about a week ago God put that on my heart."
So lots of new beginnings.. amazing ways that God is using me. I mean, He uses us all of the time in ways we can't see, but this is more overt.
So I've told a few people about the pastor idea, and it has been amazing. I told one of my friends about it a couple weeks ago and she said "I see that. Totally. I would come to listen to you." And she doesn't go to church, she is "spiritual" as she would describe it. Higher Powers, astrology and such. We had an absolutely amazing conversation about Jesus that night. It was so neat. And what I love about my friends is that they know that I would never try to convert them. It's not about that. But anyway, tangent!
And then yesterday I was getting my hair cut and talking with my friend who is my stylist, and I told her about how God has been moving in my life and making it His, finally, and I said that I'm getting more (way more) involved with my church, and He has planted the idea of becoming a pastor. And she said "Did you see my face? I'm not surprised. I totally see you doing that." How amazing. God, You are truly amazing.
So lots of possibilities. I also thought the other day, that maybe my masters in therapy is to equip me to work in a private setting, and be a pastor with further training in therapy than most pastors have. I could actually see people in a therapy setting, rather than just giving counsel (which apparently according to my pastor, I could be doing right now?? Wow!).
God's possibilities are endless. His love abounds. His strength never tires. His mercies are new each morning. He loves us so much. It is so freeing to finally, finally trust Him. Feel Him. Believe Him. Know Him.
Monday, December 27, 2010
knowing or not
Knowing. This has been a question for me for quite some time. In the last few years because of my work with divorcing parents, it's often been centered around the idea of knowing another person is "the one" you should spend the rest of your life with. My work has greatly influenced my idea of marriage and longevity, and commitment. I'm unsure, to be honest. I'm cynical at times, sometimes quite cynical, toward the idea of marriage.
My question that stems out of my work is "How does someone ever really know that they're supposed to spend the rest of their life with this person? How do you really know it will work out?"
I guess the answer to that is that you don't. But these people at one point, at least at the altar or before the Justice of the Peace or whathaveyou, they thought that they knew. They thought they were making a commitment. Forever. And now it's ending. Not the plan.
But my question in the moment.. is how do we ever really know.. anything? I'm certain of God's love for me. I'm certain that He created me, has purpose for me that I cannot see, loves me dearly as His own, sends beautiful people into my life for purposes I cannot see, sent His Son to die for me, redeemed me, and one day I'll be with Him and out of this world we live in. I can't wait for that day! I'm excited.
But the question.. how do we ever really know. I'm learning that we don't. We really don't know. I don't know, that's for sure. All I know is that He loves me and will bring me to the best possibilities, which might be painful, but I won't be alone.
But we make all of these plans, all of these great monumental plans. And we think with some relative certainty that they'll work out. I chuckle because since learning and living that it's not about my plan, and all about His, I can see all of the plans that I make day-to-day that don't work out (not how I planned them anyway). Even little things. My appointment with my therapist was scheduled for 3:00pm today. Then the office called and asked if I could come at 1:00pm instead. Little things. Really, looking at things, very rarely do things go as I had planned. In small ways that don't really matter, and in big ways.
And the beauty of it is He uses it all. He uses it to His glory and on our path toward the best possibilities that He has laid out for us. We just need to trust Him. Don't get me wrong, it's not we just need to trust Him as if it's so easy and just something that we can do without thinking. Look at everything I've written. I've had my share of years and years of not truly trusting Him. Not how I do now. And even now I struggle. I still have moments when I think, 'Really? What? Why?' toward things that happen. But it's not for me to know. He sees it all. He uses it all. He will bring me to the best possibilities, in His time. Not mine. Not my plan. Not for me to know.
I know that I don't know. And I don't need to! And that really is freeing. He knows. And that's all that matters. He knows where my day will go, who I will cross-paths with. The difference He will make through me. He knows when I sleep and when I rise. He cares for the crows, how much more will He care for me. I don't need to worry about tomorrow. His promises are true. He cares for me in ways I can't imagine or see. His love is in my heart and surrounding me. I can feel the warmth of His hands as He holds me close. He gives me comfort and rest in His arms.
He knows all, and that's all that matters.
My question that stems out of my work is "How does someone ever really know that they're supposed to spend the rest of their life with this person? How do you really know it will work out?"
I guess the answer to that is that you don't. But these people at one point, at least at the altar or before the Justice of the Peace or whathaveyou, they thought that they knew. They thought they were making a commitment. Forever. And now it's ending. Not the plan.
But my question in the moment.. is how do we ever really know.. anything? I'm certain of God's love for me. I'm certain that He created me, has purpose for me that I cannot see, loves me dearly as His own, sends beautiful people into my life for purposes I cannot see, sent His Son to die for me, redeemed me, and one day I'll be with Him and out of this world we live in. I can't wait for that day! I'm excited.
But the question.. how do we ever really know. I'm learning that we don't. We really don't know. I don't know, that's for sure. All I know is that He loves me and will bring me to the best possibilities, which might be painful, but I won't be alone.
But we make all of these plans, all of these great monumental plans. And we think with some relative certainty that they'll work out. I chuckle because since learning and living that it's not about my plan, and all about His, I can see all of the plans that I make day-to-day that don't work out (not how I planned them anyway). Even little things. My appointment with my therapist was scheduled for 3:00pm today. Then the office called and asked if I could come at 1:00pm instead. Little things. Really, looking at things, very rarely do things go as I had planned. In small ways that don't really matter, and in big ways.
And the beauty of it is He uses it all. He uses it to His glory and on our path toward the best possibilities that He has laid out for us. We just need to trust Him. Don't get me wrong, it's not we just need to trust Him as if it's so easy and just something that we can do without thinking. Look at everything I've written. I've had my share of years and years of not truly trusting Him. Not how I do now. And even now I struggle. I still have moments when I think, 'Really? What? Why?' toward things that happen. But it's not for me to know. He sees it all. He uses it all. He will bring me to the best possibilities, in His time. Not mine. Not my plan. Not for me to know.
I know that I don't know. And I don't need to! And that really is freeing. He knows. And that's all that matters. He knows where my day will go, who I will cross-paths with. The difference He will make through me. He knows when I sleep and when I rise. He cares for the crows, how much more will He care for me. I don't need to worry about tomorrow. His promises are true. He cares for me in ways I can't imagine or see. His love is in my heart and surrounding me. I can feel the warmth of His hands as He holds me close. He gives me comfort and rest in His arms.
He knows all, and that's all that matters.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
my life or His
Here's an excerpt from a blog I found when I was googling around (mentioned in previous post). She was writing about her family and having issues having children. Then God blessed them with twins. But it wasn't without pain and struggling.
Blog title:
His Plan, Not Mine
(yeah, right? so God) :)
There have been times I have wondered what it was that God was trying to tell me as I struggle with these feelings of inadequacy, and sometimes find myself wondering if I am ever going to be able to fulfill MY PLANS and MY DREAMS and MY HOPES for what I want to DO with MY life.
Mary Beth Chapman has felt that same way her entire life and marriage. She still struggles with it, and one of the things I really took to heart from her story is: that is ok. She said "I have come to learn that my life would be much easier if I would just lay aside all the things that I WANT FOR MY LIFE TO BE and let GOD continue to work out his plan for me on HIS TIME AND HIS PLAN."
That hit like a hammer driving the nail home
I prayed earnestly and longed for this life. I cannot have all the things that I want and desire for my life to be, and have His plan as well for it. They just dont jive. I need to lay those things down, and dive into the beautiful and precious responsibilities that God has given me. Others would in some ways bring glory only to me, and the path He has me on, the one He seems to have chosen for my life, is the better one because it leaves me out of the picture and brings Him fully into it as the center of attention--where He should be.
I think there is a time and a season for all things in my life. It is in laying down those selfish desires and seeing what it is that I have been blessed with right in front of me. It is being open to saying :"God, I am going to step up and lay this at your feet, knowing you have already answered one of my greatest heart's desires, and in YOUR time, you will take care of this one as your part of the plan if YOU WANT TO."
Do you have something like that in your life? Is there something that you have been wrestling with God about as you try to superimpose what you want on what HE wants for you?
Lay it down. You, like me, would simply be missing out on the blessings He already has planned for yourself looking back and wondering how you ever thought something else could be more important than what was already given into your hands to mold and shape and love.
Blog title:
His Plan, Not Mine
(yeah, right? so God) :)
There have been times I have wondered what it was that God was trying to tell me as I struggle with these feelings of inadequacy, and sometimes find myself wondering if I am ever going to be able to fulfill MY PLANS and MY DREAMS and MY HOPES for what I want to DO with MY life.
Mary Beth Chapman has felt that same way her entire life and marriage. She still struggles with it, and one of the things I really took to heart from her story is: that is ok. She said "I have come to learn that my life would be much easier if I would just lay aside all the things that I WANT FOR MY LIFE TO BE and let GOD continue to work out his plan for me on HIS TIME AND HIS PLAN."
That hit like a hammer driving the nail home
I prayed earnestly and longed for this life. I cannot have all the things that I want and desire for my life to be, and have His plan as well for it. They just dont jive. I need to lay those things down, and dive into the beautiful and precious responsibilities that God has given me. Others would in some ways bring glory only to me, and the path He has me on, the one He seems to have chosen for my life, is the better one because it leaves me out of the picture and brings Him fully into it as the center of attention--where He should be.
I think there is a time and a season for all things in my life. It is in laying down those selfish desires and seeing what it is that I have been blessed with right in front of me. It is being open to saying :"God, I am going to step up and lay this at your feet, knowing you have already answered one of my greatest heart's desires, and in YOUR time, you will take care of this one as your part of the plan if YOU WANT TO."
Do you have something like that in your life? Is there something that you have been wrestling with God about as you try to superimpose what you want on what HE wants for you?
Lay it down. You, like me, would simply be missing out on the blessings He already has planned for yourself looking back and wondering how you ever thought something else could be more important than what was already given into your hands to mold and shape and love.
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