The email from The Daily Love was great today. I'll emphasize the parts that very much resonated with me.
What does it mean to take off our masks? Well, it means - start telling the truth. The truth about how you feel. A life lived in and aligned with Truth puts us on a track of thriving that The Uni-verse intended for us when we were born.
Taking off your mask almost means not letting the opinions of your family, friends, loved ones or the world hold more weight and influence over you than the opinion you hold of yourself. Lots of people think they know what's best for you, but the truth is that no one knows better than you do.
Taking off your mask also means no longer pretending to be something or someone in order to get someone else's approval. We celebrate being 100% ourselves and other folks can do with that what they please. It's no longer our concern to play a role that pleases them, if in the process, we abandon ourselves.
Taking off your mask also means no longer playing small. It's time to up your game. The Uni-verse has great big HUGE plans for you. You cannot realize these plans if you keep yourself boxed in with the walls of fear! As my friend Marianne Williamson so famously said, "Who are you NOT to shine your Light? By your shining your Light, you will give others the permission to do so as well".
Taking off your mask means loving who you are, where you are right now. No changes. You are perfect. Yes you are. Own it and act accordingly.
And finally, taking off your mask means keeping promises that you make to yourself. If you want change in your life, make promises and then KEEP them. Low self-esteem doesn't just magically appear. It shows up when we break promises to ourselves. Want Love? Be love-able, let love in, don't push away people that are trying to Love you.
Whatever it is that you are being called to do in this life, you must take off your masks if you want to get there. No longer live for others. No longer play small. Love yourself right where you are and keep your promises to yourself.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Monday, October 24, 2011
wires crossed
God and I must have had our wires crossed.
All this time I've been looking for a condo and just not finding the one. Found a few good ones, but not the one. They all slipped away. I gave up my deadline. Things still weren't moving. I looked at more. Still nothing. Then last Wednesday after looking at 3 condos, I started brainstorming. What if I buy a cute little house, in a safe neighborhood, and put in a security system? I asked my realtor if it was possible. He said very possible. He started the search that night and by Thursday morning had emailed me a list of possibilities. He said look at # such and such 0005 (by this point I was just reading the last 4 digits of the MLS because I was so burnt out on them) so I looked.. yeah, sure, it looked okay.. he asked if I had time to see it that day. My mom and little cousin were coming down to visit, so I said sure, I'll bring my family with. We drive, and I think we beat him there. We walked around the yard, were impressed, my mom starts telling me she'll help me with the hostas, you know, the usual. Then I get a call from him, he's at a different house. He says the MLS number and I said, yeah, I'm pretty sure that's where I am. He said, well, come over to this one and I'll see if we can get into that one after. It was really creepy too, when we got in the car and looked over at the house we were just walking around, there was some guy walking around inside (it was a vacant foreclosure..) so that was a good indicator, not the place.
So we drove over there. As we're driving, I get a voicemail from him that was delayed in getting to me, I listen to it and I think he said "We have lawyer's costs" so I'm freaking out.. oh no, they found out we were walking around the property when we weren't supposed to be.. we were trespassing! Now I'll never get a house! Then I calmed down and started thinking.......... ohhhhhh he said we have WIRES CROSSED. Breathe, Tamara, seriously. Calm the #$%^!! down. (I realized later that both my realtor and I were looking at MLS numbers that ended in 0005, which is why we ended up at different houses. What's the likelihood of that?! I feel like this was God saying "You think you see it all. You think you know what's best for you, but I have things far greater planned for you than you can ever imagine.")
Then we got there. Needless to say, I fell in love instantly. It was so right. I walked in and it smelled like my Grandparents' house. My mom starts firing off questions to my realtor like there's no tomorrow. My little cousin is planning where we'll put my Christmas tree. It cost more than I was hoping to spend (surprise surprise) but I wanted it.
We decided to satiate my initial interest in the other place so we went over to it. It was a DUMP. Seriously. Whatever you think a dump would be like, it was worse. I didn't even want to go in.
So we walked out and I said, well, how do I make this happen. I want this to happen. We crunched the numbers and found a way. It won't be easy, it will be tight, but it will work.
I saw the house at 1:30pm and made an offer by 5pm. The next morning was stressful. Between waiting to hear back from the listing agent and getting ready to have a weekend being personal attendant for my friend's wedding, there was a lot going on. They counter-offered, I counter-offered. My realtor and I went to see it again. Took measurements to make sure my stuff would actually fit and oh wow, it fits like a glove (surprise surprise). Then we went to the credit union to get some earnest money. In the time it took to drive there, they had verbally accepted my offer. I jumped up and down in the parking lot.
In less than 24 hours from stepping foot in the house we had a signed purchase agreement.
The inspection was today, which was also stressful. I haven't been sleeping well for days. It was neat to get to know the house very intimately, but there was a few issues. Nothing structurally or foundationally, but a couple small gas leaks to be tightened/fixed, some electrical/outlet issues, and a few others. Nothing extravagantly huge, but still some things to decide to ask them to fix or not.
Which brings me to this point. I'm talking to my realtor in the morning about what we'll ask them to fix. Need to go over the mortgage details again as well.
Let me tell you, this is one of the most incredibly stressful things I have ever done. I was telling my mom "I am so exhausted. So emotionally drained. It's not awful like a terrible breakup, but it's exhausting and stressful. It's on that level."
I'll need some cocktail of melatonin and sleepytime tea to get any zzz's tonight.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
But God and I must have had our wires crossed.
Because all this time I've been looking for a condo, and now I see I was meant to find a house...
All this time I've been looking for a condo and just not finding the one. Found a few good ones, but not the one. They all slipped away. I gave up my deadline. Things still weren't moving. I looked at more. Still nothing. Then last Wednesday after looking at 3 condos, I started brainstorming. What if I buy a cute little house, in a safe neighborhood, and put in a security system? I asked my realtor if it was possible. He said very possible. He started the search that night and by Thursday morning had emailed me a list of possibilities. He said look at # such and such 0005 (by this point I was just reading the last 4 digits of the MLS because I was so burnt out on them) so I looked.. yeah, sure, it looked okay.. he asked if I had time to see it that day. My mom and little cousin were coming down to visit, so I said sure, I'll bring my family with. We drive, and I think we beat him there. We walked around the yard, were impressed, my mom starts telling me she'll help me with the hostas, you know, the usual. Then I get a call from him, he's at a different house. He says the MLS number and I said, yeah, I'm pretty sure that's where I am. He said, well, come over to this one and I'll see if we can get into that one after. It was really creepy too, when we got in the car and looked over at the house we were just walking around, there was some guy walking around inside (it was a vacant foreclosure..) so that was a good indicator, not the place.
So we drove over there. As we're driving, I get a voicemail from him that was delayed in getting to me, I listen to it and I think he said "We have lawyer's costs" so I'm freaking out.. oh no, they found out we were walking around the property when we weren't supposed to be.. we were trespassing! Now I'll never get a house! Then I calmed down and started thinking.......... ohhhhhh he said we have WIRES CROSSED. Breathe, Tamara, seriously. Calm the #$%^!! down. (I realized later that both my realtor and I were looking at MLS numbers that ended in 0005, which is why we ended up at different houses. What's the likelihood of that?! I feel like this was God saying "You think you see it all. You think you know what's best for you, but I have things far greater planned for you than you can ever imagine.")
Then we got there. Needless to say, I fell in love instantly. It was so right. I walked in and it smelled like my Grandparents' house. My mom starts firing off questions to my realtor like there's no tomorrow. My little cousin is planning where we'll put my Christmas tree. It cost more than I was hoping to spend (surprise surprise) but I wanted it.
We decided to satiate my initial interest in the other place so we went over to it. It was a DUMP. Seriously. Whatever you think a dump would be like, it was worse. I didn't even want to go in.
So we walked out and I said, well, how do I make this happen. I want this to happen. We crunched the numbers and found a way. It won't be easy, it will be tight, but it will work.
I saw the house at 1:30pm and made an offer by 5pm. The next morning was stressful. Between waiting to hear back from the listing agent and getting ready to have a weekend being personal attendant for my friend's wedding, there was a lot going on. They counter-offered, I counter-offered. My realtor and I went to see it again. Took measurements to make sure my stuff would actually fit and oh wow, it fits like a glove (surprise surprise). Then we went to the credit union to get some earnest money. In the time it took to drive there, they had verbally accepted my offer. I jumped up and down in the parking lot.
In less than 24 hours from stepping foot in the house we had a signed purchase agreement.
The inspection was today, which was also stressful. I haven't been sleeping well for days. It was neat to get to know the house very intimately, but there was a few issues. Nothing structurally or foundationally, but a couple small gas leaks to be tightened/fixed, some electrical/outlet issues, and a few others. Nothing extravagantly huge, but still some things to decide to ask them to fix or not.
Which brings me to this point. I'm talking to my realtor in the morning about what we'll ask them to fix. Need to go over the mortgage details again as well.
Let me tell you, this is one of the most incredibly stressful things I have ever done. I was telling my mom "I am so exhausted. So emotionally drained. It's not awful like a terrible breakup, but it's exhausting and stressful. It's on that level."
I'll need some cocktail of melatonin and sleepytime tea to get any zzz's tonight.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
But God and I must have had our wires crossed.
Because all this time I've been looking for a condo, and now I see I was meant to find a house...
Monday, October 17, 2011
on the market(s)
I've wanted to write for a few days now. I've had thoughts of "Oh I need to write that down, that's true.. I need to keep track of that.." and poof, no time. I'll write in bit and pieces as my brain goes.
I cooked for about 3 hours on Saturday. I made 18 meals worth of food. Creamy white chicken chili, beef chili, sloppy joes, vegetable venison barley soup, and spaghetti. When I get on a cooking spree, I go a little crazy. It's to cathartic. I love chopping vegetables individually (you couldn't pay me to use a food processor), and adding them individually (Martha Stewart style). I get geeky about cooking. But seriously, if I had another job and maybe twice as much time as I have I'd love to be a chef. I'm not saying I'm that good, because I don't make everything pretty or anything, but I love cooking.
The condo search is well, still not moving. I've been wavering between frustration and excitement. (Note, neither are patience.) I was feeling pretty good about it, and then I had a dream about a beautiful loft and I was cooking for friends and I felt AMAZING. My heart was content and excited at the same time. My heart was smiling. Well of course then I woke up on a mission - FIND THAT LOFT.. well.. yeah let's be real. Turns out most loft buildings don't allow pets. And that's a deal-breaker, obviously, Jack the Cat needs to come with me, he's part of my life. Needless to say, that loft from my dream hasn't come on the market yet.
I need to remember that just because I'm in the market, doesn't mean my condo is on the market. It's kind of a cruel irony when I'm ready for something and it's not ready for me. Oh hey look, seeing a pattern there? God's timing, not mine. Ahhh again. Sigh. Seriously, I'm catching on to Him.
But I am learning (trying to learn anyway) how to be happy where I'm at. That I really truly am right where I need to be. I have a beautiful room in an amazing old house in (what I consider to be) the greatest neighborhood in the state. I have a lot of blessings to count. But, this is where the full-circle that I learned about 9 months ago comes in...(the one about not always looking on the bright side, but accepting that things make me feel however they make me feel).. Yes, I have a lot of blessings to count, but having my ducks in a row to buy a condo and there not being a condo for me to buy right now is disappointing, and frustrating, and it's okay for me to feel those things as long as I'm not turning in on myself and those are all that I'm feeling. Everything in moderation, right?
So I wait. We'll see what happens. The right place will come along when it does. "It will be right when it's right. You'll know." Everyone keeps saying that. About condos and guys. It's kind of.. well, I've written about how it is.. I believe the word I used was annoying.
But it is hard.. in the guy section recently. It's hard to not feel like there's something wrong with you as a person when you've "got your shit together" as my mom and I say, and it seems like guys my age, well, don't. Or are scared of the fact that I do. Or whatever the stupid reason is. But it's hard to not feel like there's something wrong with you when a lot of your close friends are in relationships and you're not. And maybe, you judge them as being even more broken than you are. Hey, that's honesty. I'm not trying to put anyone down by any means, I'm not that kind of person, but honestly. Okay this is turning into a "why I'm so great" rant and it's really not meant to. If you know me, you know my heart. Moving on.
I have pondered recently (thought not seriously, because I have everything here that I want except this).. but that if I was to move to another state (oh look at that, I'm drawn to the east coast again, in the fall of all times, hrmmm that's never happened before...) that it'd be a lot easier to meet someone because I'd be creating my life from the ground up. No one would know me. Not that there's things for me to be running from, but even just the geographic change changes things. Guys are different on the east coast, proven fact. They're also better looking. Okay, I'm sorry, so many not so nice things today. But it's true. Midwestern women have this Nordic, Scandinavian beauty (or something, I've heard it explained before).. The problem is there is too many good looking women here per capita compared to eligible men. So we're all fighting over the same ones. (AGAIN, just like the condo situation, gaaaaah.) .. oh and on the east coast, men aren't so stinking passive aggressive and if they like you, they tell you. Crazy, I know.
But I've been pondering recently, that perhaps my cynicism toward it all is actually blocking me from getting what I truly desire. I was joking with a friend the other night about getting married. She and I had a good laugh. We said something like "Ha! Marriage! Who wants that?" and then we both cower and mumble under our breath, "Uhhh I do.." And we proceeded to whine about how we want someone to cuddle with on a Friday night and watch a movie at home, and someone to make us dinner.. And honestly, it's true. I want all of it. As much as I joke about marriage and question it (I mean, let's be real, I work with divorce Monday-Friday and have for almost 5 years, so I think I have reason to question marriage).. but as much as I do, I really do want it all. The house with the two dormers upstairs and the white picket fence and the two kids (boy and girl, obviously) and dog and cat. Oh and obviously a handsome (but not too handsome) husband who treats me like a queen (and I treat him like a king, this isn't one-sided).. I want it all. The entire cliche.
And I think my tomboyish, joking, cynical attitude might need to go. You know they say the energy you put out will be the energy you receive.. so when you're being negative, you perceive things as negative, and people will react negatively to you.. well, maybe this is something along those lines.
I look around and see friends of mine who are married and for most of them, how incredibly compatible they are. I really do look at them and say, they are perfect for reach other. And it's that kind of relationship that I want. And I think, oh God, I'm 25 and it hasn't happened yet. But my therapist always says, "You're so young!" not in a demeaning way, but in a you-have-so-much-life-ahead-of-you way. And I've said to her, It's funny because look back on my past, I thought that I'd be married by 22, and maybe having kids by 27 or so. And now when I think about it, I would have been crazy to be married at 22. I have changed so much in those 3 years to where I am now. So to be able to look back and know that not having that in my life was exactly what needed to happen. I should be able to catch on that at some point down the road I'll look back and think it was so good that I wasn't married at 25.
The themes between guys and condos is just.. ridiculous. Thought of another one.. I'm picky, so picky that what I want just isn't out there right now. But I had this thought yesterday, maybe I need to put myself out there more. I guess that works more with guys than condos... but really. And not to be more outgoing, but to be in more situations where meeting people is possible. Ugh even saying that makes me feel pathetic.
I just need to kick this attitude to the curb and move along. Toss it out with the garbage. My life is just that, mine. (Well, God's, you know what I mean.) I'm not a victim. Time to get up, Tamara, and start this new day that has been given to you, as a gift. Treat it as such.
I cooked for about 3 hours on Saturday. I made 18 meals worth of food. Creamy white chicken chili, beef chili, sloppy joes, vegetable venison barley soup, and spaghetti. When I get on a cooking spree, I go a little crazy. It's to cathartic. I love chopping vegetables individually (you couldn't pay me to use a food processor), and adding them individually (Martha Stewart style). I get geeky about cooking. But seriously, if I had another job and maybe twice as much time as I have I'd love to be a chef. I'm not saying I'm that good, because I don't make everything pretty or anything, but I love cooking.
The condo search is well, still not moving. I've been wavering between frustration and excitement. (Note, neither are patience.) I was feeling pretty good about it, and then I had a dream about a beautiful loft and I was cooking for friends and I felt AMAZING. My heart was content and excited at the same time. My heart was smiling. Well of course then I woke up on a mission - FIND THAT LOFT.. well.. yeah let's be real. Turns out most loft buildings don't allow pets. And that's a deal-breaker, obviously, Jack the Cat needs to come with me, he's part of my life. Needless to say, that loft from my dream hasn't come on the market yet.
I need to remember that just because I'm in the market, doesn't mean my condo is on the market. It's kind of a cruel irony when I'm ready for something and it's not ready for me. Oh hey look, seeing a pattern there? God's timing, not mine. Ahhh again. Sigh. Seriously, I'm catching on to Him.
But I am learning (trying to learn anyway) how to be happy where I'm at. That I really truly am right where I need to be. I have a beautiful room in an amazing old house in (what I consider to be) the greatest neighborhood in the state. I have a lot of blessings to count. But, this is where the full-circle that I learned about 9 months ago comes in...(the one about not always looking on the bright side, but accepting that things make me feel however they make me feel).. Yes, I have a lot of blessings to count, but having my ducks in a row to buy a condo and there not being a condo for me to buy right now is disappointing, and frustrating, and it's okay for me to feel those things as long as I'm not turning in on myself and those are all that I'm feeling. Everything in moderation, right?
So I wait. We'll see what happens. The right place will come along when it does. "It will be right when it's right. You'll know." Everyone keeps saying that. About condos and guys. It's kind of.. well, I've written about how it is.. I believe the word I used was annoying.
But it is hard.. in the guy section recently. It's hard to not feel like there's something wrong with you as a person when you've "got your shit together" as my mom and I say, and it seems like guys my age, well, don't. Or are scared of the fact that I do. Or whatever the stupid reason is. But it's hard to not feel like there's something wrong with you when a lot of your close friends are in relationships and you're not. And maybe, you judge them as being even more broken than you are. Hey, that's honesty. I'm not trying to put anyone down by any means, I'm not that kind of person, but honestly. Okay this is turning into a "why I'm so great" rant and it's really not meant to. If you know me, you know my heart. Moving on.
I have pondered recently (thought not seriously, because I have everything here that I want except this).. but that if I was to move to another state (oh look at that, I'm drawn to the east coast again, in the fall of all times, hrmmm that's never happened before...) that it'd be a lot easier to meet someone because I'd be creating my life from the ground up. No one would know me. Not that there's things for me to be running from, but even just the geographic change changes things. Guys are different on the east coast, proven fact. They're also better looking. Okay, I'm sorry, so many not so nice things today. But it's true. Midwestern women have this Nordic, Scandinavian beauty (or something, I've heard it explained before).. The problem is there is too many good looking women here per capita compared to eligible men. So we're all fighting over the same ones. (AGAIN, just like the condo situation, gaaaaah.) .. oh and on the east coast, men aren't so stinking passive aggressive and if they like you, they tell you. Crazy, I know.
But I've been pondering recently, that perhaps my cynicism toward it all is actually blocking me from getting what I truly desire. I was joking with a friend the other night about getting married. She and I had a good laugh. We said something like "Ha! Marriage! Who wants that?" and then we both cower and mumble under our breath, "Uhhh I do.." And we proceeded to whine about how we want someone to cuddle with on a Friday night and watch a movie at home, and someone to make us dinner.. And honestly, it's true. I want all of it. As much as I joke about marriage and question it (I mean, let's be real, I work with divorce Monday-Friday and have for almost 5 years, so I think I have reason to question marriage).. but as much as I do, I really do want it all. The house with the two dormers upstairs and the white picket fence and the two kids (boy and girl, obviously) and dog and cat. Oh and obviously a handsome (but not too handsome) husband who treats me like a queen (and I treat him like a king, this isn't one-sided).. I want it all. The entire cliche.
And I think my tomboyish, joking, cynical attitude might need to go. You know they say the energy you put out will be the energy you receive.. so when you're being negative, you perceive things as negative, and people will react negatively to you.. well, maybe this is something along those lines.
I look around and see friends of mine who are married and for most of them, how incredibly compatible they are. I really do look at them and say, they are perfect for reach other. And it's that kind of relationship that I want. And I think, oh God, I'm 25 and it hasn't happened yet. But my therapist always says, "You're so young!" not in a demeaning way, but in a you-have-so-much-life-ahead-of-you way. And I've said to her, It's funny because look back on my past, I thought that I'd be married by 22, and maybe having kids by 27 or so. And now when I think about it, I would have been crazy to be married at 22. I have changed so much in those 3 years to where I am now. So to be able to look back and know that not having that in my life was exactly what needed to happen. I should be able to catch on that at some point down the road I'll look back and think it was so good that I wasn't married at 25.
The themes between guys and condos is just.. ridiculous. Thought of another one.. I'm picky, so picky that what I want just isn't out there right now. But I had this thought yesterday, maybe I need to put myself out there more. I guess that works more with guys than condos... but really. And not to be more outgoing, but to be in more situations where meeting people is possible. Ugh even saying that makes me feel pathetic.
I just need to kick this attitude to the curb and move along. Toss it out with the garbage. My life is just that, mine. (Well, God's, you know what I mean.) I'm not a victim. Time to get up, Tamara, and start this new day that has been given to you, as a gift. Treat it as such.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
community
I said to God in the car tonight, "I'm onto You. I see what you're doing here."
I was talking about my journey with this whole condo business and how it's, well, not moving. Bad-dum-bum. Not moving. Get it? Right.
Patience smatience. This is just becoming funny to me now.
I had this realization a few days ago that for some reason, or lots of reasons, it's not time for me to live separately just yet. For some reason God has me still living in community.
It's interesting because at the same time that I'm endeavoring to live alone, my friendship with a dear room mate has become so wonderful. We've gone on some great walks recently and have reconnected after both being very busy and having mismatched schedules. Like tonight, we walked and got cake and went to a playground to swing. It was wonderful! Would we have done this if I was already moved? Maybe, but we'd be much less likely to because one of us would have to drive somewhere, and it takes a lot more coordinating.
But these great conversations, memories, quality time, are possible because I'm still living in community.
It's just not time for me to live on my own yet.
And for whatever all the reasons are, I'm appreciating the fact that God's letting me in on that little realization that He really truly is working on something in me here.
I was talking about my journey with this whole condo business and how it's, well, not moving. Bad-dum-bum. Not moving. Get it? Right.
Patience smatience. This is just becoming funny to me now.
I had this realization a few days ago that for some reason, or lots of reasons, it's not time for me to live separately just yet. For some reason God has me still living in community.
It's interesting because at the same time that I'm endeavoring to live alone, my friendship with a dear room mate has become so wonderful. We've gone on some great walks recently and have reconnected after both being very busy and having mismatched schedules. Like tonight, we walked and got cake and went to a playground to swing. It was wonderful! Would we have done this if I was already moved? Maybe, but we'd be much less likely to because one of us would have to drive somewhere, and it takes a lot more coordinating.
But these great conversations, memories, quality time, are possible because I'm still living in community.
It's just not time for me to live on my own yet.
And for whatever all the reasons are, I'm appreciating the fact that God's letting me in on that little realization that He really truly is working on something in me here.
Monday, October 3, 2011
paths and circles
It's funny to me how our own paths cross our past paths. Does that make sense? What I mean is, how we were in one place at one time, in what feels to me to be a previous life because I was so different, and then I end up in the same place again years later.
Who would have known that my path would take the twists and turns that it did and lead me back to this same place?
I went on a walk this morning in my neighborhood. The leaves were falling slowly off of the trees so beautifully yellow gold and red. I stole a few of course, to flatten in books. It was a gorgeous morning. And it got me thinking about how the future is so uncertain.
5 1/2 years ago I was sitting in a park with my then boyfriend, reading as he drew a picture of the cathedral for a class he was taking in art school. Who would know that all these years later I would be walking by that park and sitting on the cathedral steps and praying while leaves were falling off the trees?
I think life is neat in that way, things come full circle. But at the time you can't see it.
So that makes me wonder. I see now where I was and how far I've come and how I've been led back to that place.. what happens in another 5 years? Where will I be led back to? What will happen in my life in that time?
Season changes make me think a lot as well. The death and rebirth of nature.. the hibernating that we Minnesotans do in the winter, how we break out of our cuckoons to embrace life again when spring comes.. The letting go of fall as the leaves change and release themselves from trees, the bliss of summer and soaking in every ounce of sun that we possibly can..
It's all cyclical. Death leads to birth leads to death. Opening up and letting go.
I think the key for me is being open to experiences and at the same time trusting that my greatest good is really being worked out before my eyes. In ways that I can see and mostly that I cannot see.
To not be frustrated with where I'm at or where I think I should be but to embrace that, in this moment, I am exactly where I am meant to be.
Who would have known that my path would take the twists and turns that it did and lead me back to this same place?
I went on a walk this morning in my neighborhood. The leaves were falling slowly off of the trees so beautifully yellow gold and red. I stole a few of course, to flatten in books. It was a gorgeous morning. And it got me thinking about how the future is so uncertain.
5 1/2 years ago I was sitting in a park with my then boyfriend, reading as he drew a picture of the cathedral for a class he was taking in art school. Who would know that all these years later I would be walking by that park and sitting on the cathedral steps and praying while leaves were falling off the trees?
I think life is neat in that way, things come full circle. But at the time you can't see it.
So that makes me wonder. I see now where I was and how far I've come and how I've been led back to that place.. what happens in another 5 years? Where will I be led back to? What will happen in my life in that time?
Season changes make me think a lot as well. The death and rebirth of nature.. the hibernating that we Minnesotans do in the winter, how we break out of our cuckoons to embrace life again when spring comes.. The letting go of fall as the leaves change and release themselves from trees, the bliss of summer and soaking in every ounce of sun that we possibly can..
It's all cyclical. Death leads to birth leads to death. Opening up and letting go.
I think the key for me is being open to experiences and at the same time trusting that my greatest good is really being worked out before my eyes. In ways that I can see and mostly that I cannot see.
To not be frustrated with where I'm at or where I think I should be but to embrace that, in this moment, I am exactly where I am meant to be.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)