Do you ever want something (or think you want something) so badly that it's all you can think about?
That's what's happening with me.
Suffice it to say, I've already remodeled a bathroom and painted a bedroom in my day (and night) dreams.
I've been feeling a shift in the last couple of months, a very much coming-into-my-own kind of experience. It's felt VERY good, and very bad at the same time. Growing pains are painful.
As a part of this shift, the idea of buying a condo has been a bug in my brain. Yes, it's recent. I'm taking it.. semi-slow. Getting (too) excited. Falling (deeply) in love with a space that may (or may not) ever become mine. But you know what, life's too short to not fall deeply in love. My heart might get broken, but that's life. It heals, I've seen it do just that.
Today I got a pre-approval for a mortgage (holy crap right?) Such ADULT stuff.
But that's just it. I feel like I'm becoming an adult. Whoa.
My life is my own, my income is my own, and I'm ready for my own s p a c e
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And then I think, is this God's plan, or is it mine?
BUT.. I'm praying about this along the way, in a way I never have. And things are slowly moving in the right direction.
And the feedback and response from loved ones has been so great. So much support.
I need to accept that it could go either way. This might all NOT work out .. or it might work out in a way that I didn't expect.. actually that's what always happen.. unexpected, and whatever happens is it actually working out, because it will be in my best interest, whatever happens.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The two main issues are:
1. I need to make more money.
2. The price needs to be lower or they need to short sale for me to snatch it up.
Two HUGE hurdles. But, God can do anything. And I trust that if this is going to happen, it's going to be all about Him and not about me.
As usual.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Monday, August 8, 2011
made me think
This:
"Don't settle because you're afraid you won't find something better. Don't compromise because you don't want to be alone. Give your perfect life, lover and job time and space to grow into our life. Don't rush, don't hurry. Take your time, be easy, have patience. Allow everything to come to you with your subtle guiding and intending. Your days of constant chasing with little reward are over. Everything you've ever wanted and more is coming to you, you just have to let it in with love, receptivity and non-judgment. Letting it in is how you become it." --Jackson Kiddard
And this:
How to Live a Great Love Story - Don Miller's blog
(This was a really great blog post of his, but he got a lot of criticism about it (stupid) so he took it down. I want to leave this as a reminder that he said he's going to change some and repost it.)
"Don't settle because you're afraid you won't find something better. Don't compromise because you don't want to be alone. Give your perfect life, lover and job time and space to grow into our life. Don't rush, don't hurry. Take your time, be easy, have patience. Allow everything to come to you with your subtle guiding and intending. Your days of constant chasing with little reward are over. Everything you've ever wanted and more is coming to you, you just have to let it in with love, receptivity and non-judgment. Letting it in is how you become it." --Jackson Kiddard
And this:
How to Live a Great Love Story - Don Miller's blog
(This was a really great blog post of his, but he got a lot of criticism about it (stupid) so he took it down. I want to leave this as a reminder that he said he's going to change some and repost it.)
Saturday, August 6, 2011
future
This made me laugh, in a "Oh crap. He's right." kind of way.
"The future is ALWAYS uncertain, yet our perception changes of it daily."
-The Daily Love for 8.6.2011
"The future is ALWAYS uncertain, yet our perception changes of it daily."
-The Daily Love for 8.6.2011
Friday, August 5, 2011
qualities, expressed
Make a list of all the things you wish other people would see about you.
I am caring, loving, compassionate, funny, talented, smart, faithful, loyal, generous, supportive, creative, knowledgeable, trusting, trustworthy, genuine, happy, real, silly, unique, sweet, dorky, quirky, patient, impatient, and a great listener.
Now, ask yourself if you are demonstrating these qualities towards yourself?
Well the easy, knee-jerk answer is NO. And maybe that is the real, thought-through answer too. I feel like especially in the last few weeks I've been too busy to even sit down at home, let alone read a book or anything else that fills me up. I mean, everything (most everything I guess) that I've been running around doing fills me up. Being with friends, learning, music, working, though sometimes stressful, are all things I very very much enjoy doing. But resting is not included in that busy schedule. So when I don't take time to rest, I don't take much care of my spirit.
So, how would you act if you were actually demonstrating these qualities? That version of you is who will attract people who see you. When you see you, other people will too.
I would be 100% authentically me. I think this is starting to happen each day more and more. I think out of fear I have kept parts of me hidden, or subdued. Something like if I show who I really am and be vulnerable people won't like it.. which is really backwards, because then I'm hiding GOOD qualities.. who isn't going to love good qualities?? Do I really want those people in my life?
They say that the energy you put out is the energy you will receive in return. I like all of those qualities of me I listed above. I want people to know those things about me. And I want to receive them from other people. I'm happy to be on this journey to expressing on the outside who I am on the inside.
When we try to prove ourselves to others, it is because we do not see our great qualities and are not giving these qualities to ourselves. Once we do, we step into a new paradigm and walk away from trying to prove ourselves and step into just being ourselves.
(from The Daily Love this morning)
I am caring, loving, compassionate, funny, talented, smart, faithful, loyal, generous, supportive, creative, knowledgeable, trusting, trustworthy, genuine, happy, real, silly, unique, sweet, dorky, quirky, patient, impatient, and a great listener.
Now, ask yourself if you are demonstrating these qualities towards yourself?
Well the easy, knee-jerk answer is NO. And maybe that is the real, thought-through answer too. I feel like especially in the last few weeks I've been too busy to even sit down at home, let alone read a book or anything else that fills me up. I mean, everything (most everything I guess) that I've been running around doing fills me up. Being with friends, learning, music, working, though sometimes stressful, are all things I very very much enjoy doing. But resting is not included in that busy schedule. So when I don't take time to rest, I don't take much care of my spirit.
So, how would you act if you were actually demonstrating these qualities? That version of you is who will attract people who see you. When you see you, other people will too.
I would be 100% authentically me. I think this is starting to happen each day more and more. I think out of fear I have kept parts of me hidden, or subdued. Something like if I show who I really am and be vulnerable people won't like it.. which is really backwards, because then I'm hiding GOOD qualities.. who isn't going to love good qualities?? Do I really want those people in my life?
They say that the energy you put out is the energy you will receive in return. I like all of those qualities of me I listed above. I want people to know those things about me. And I want to receive them from other people. I'm happy to be on this journey to expressing on the outside who I am on the inside.
When we try to prove ourselves to others, it is because we do not see our great qualities and are not giving these qualities to ourselves. Once we do, we step into a new paradigm and walk away from trying to prove ourselves and step into just being ourselves.
(from The Daily Love this morning)
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
me, loving me
"When we love ourselves, we remember that rejection is protection.
When we love ourselves we are careful whom we give our hearts to.
When we love ourselves, we see every event of our lives as lessons and know that there are no shortages in The Uni-verse. We know that if it doesn't work out something greater is on the way."
-The Daily Love on 7.24.2011
When we love ourselves we are careful whom we give our hearts to.
When we love ourselves, we see every event of our lives as lessons and know that there are no shortages in The Uni-verse. We know that if it doesn't work out something greater is on the way."
-The Daily Love on 7.24.2011
Saturday, July 16, 2011
growing
It's kind of neat when people notice a change in you and it's one you're really happy about.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
free
I've had some large and eye-opening experiences lately.
In a great way.
It's been a snowball of a few different things that have made me think very differently than I was, and it has helped to diffuse a lot of the anxiety and stress that I was feeling.
The funny thing is, very little has actually changed about my day-to-day.. except my attitude. And my approach.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So it started with yoga. Three weeks ago I started doing yoga on Wednesday mornings at a community center near my house. The teacher is amazing. Calming, inspirational, everything. And it's cheap, which is great. And I'm supporting a local organization in my community. Wonderful.
But it really has affected my breathing.. and really just how I am in my body. I consciously notice my shoulders when they are tense, and I breathe space into them and let them sink back to where they should be. I do stretches in the morning and breathe. It has seriously slowed down my resting heart rate. Kid you not. If you haven't done yoga, you really should. And don't let a few not so great experiences or teachers let you shy away from it altogether. It took some bad experiences for me to come along to the place where I am now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Next was a conversation with a great friend and mentor of mine. I had expressed to her that I was feeling like I was hitting a wall on all of my commitments. I'm the kind of person that if I can't give something my all, my 100%, then I don't want to do it at all. I don't do things half-heartedly. At the same time, I have a hard time saying No, especially to things that are good or fun or helping others. So I over-commit. It's not inherently bad, it's just that I reached my breaking point. I was exhausted and overwhelmed. We had coffee and were talking about it. I realized during the conversation an important distinction that I (and a lot of people) need to make.
There is a difference between being busy and feeling frantic.
Busy, your time is full, you have things going on, you have a lot on your plate, you have little free time, you are going going going. You might also feel frantic, but you don't have to.
Frantic, you feel frenzied, tired, overwhelmed, crazy, zany, (for me, in the moments when I feel frantic, I flail my arms a lot when I'm talking about everything I'm doing).
However, feeling frantic is optional. It's a by-product. It's not inherent. I'd dare to say you can choose to feel frantic or not.
Some feel frantic and aren't actually busy. They just exaggerate or are dramatic. I, however, am legitimately busy. I work full time, go to grad school full time (technically, I found out they are changing the standards this fall so I am full time), volunteer, and try to maintain hobbies, friendships, family time, and a percentage of sanity while doing all of this.
See, that's the thing right there. Even saying "a percentage of sanity" .. that's frantic. Hmm. It's something I'm consciously noticing now.
But my big epiphany in that conversation was that
I can be busy, but I do not have to be frantic.
It's a choice. It's an attitude. It's an approach.
And guess what, it was not working for me.
I was hating each day because I felt like my life was one big To Do list and I was NOT getting it all done. And what I was getting done, was not up to the standards that I have set for myself. I was not a happy camper.
But this realization, that I don't have to feel frantic, was so freeing, so liberating.
This life that I lead, I have chosen. I choose my job (that I love), I choose my grad school (that I love), I choose my church, my family, my friends, my hobbies. It's all what I want in my life. There is nothing bad in any of it. I want everything that's included. And I can have it, minus feeling frantic.
Now when I look out at the trajectory of my week, to be honest, the days blend together and I tend to forget which day it is because I'm not looking at it as a chore.. a list. It's just one flow of existence. With purpose.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Next was this post about introverts.
I'm not sure why, but I've always felt .. ashamed.. disappointed.. something.. at the thought of me being an introvert. I think I felt weak.
All of which, obviously, are lies.
But that post really showed me that I'm not crazy, I'm not alone, and there are tons of people like me (a lot of my friends).
The thing is, in social interactions with people who don't know me very well, I tend to feel very misunderstood. People think I'm crabby when I'm actually quite happy, I'm just not talking talking talking (Myths 1 and 2). I hate it when some stranger will tell me "Oh cheer up and smile!" when I'm at a show or something. I honestly want to scream at them and say "You have no idea how happy I am! I don't need to just stand here smiling all the time! Who does that!" Seriously. I want to say that. It happens often, in fact it happened just last night. Someone mocked me as if I was just sitting there with my arms crossed looking grumpy. I wasn't. I was sitting there, thinking, and enjoying the live music I was seeing. It's frustrating when people think that others operate exactly like they do and if someone isn't, then something must be wrong. Not true.
I think that a lot of behavior or lack of for introverts is largely misunderstood. And for the most part, unwelcome. As if anytime I'm in a group, I have to be talking. Anytime I'm at an activity, I have to be smiling otherwise I'm not having fun. None of that is true.
So to read that post, and to realize, those qualities.. are who I am. And it's not about changing myself, but being myself. Unapologetically. Who do I need to be anyone else for? Who am I trying to please? What's the point?
I used to have thoughts of.. I don't like such and such quality about me.. I need to be more outgoing.. more this, more that.. Or maybe, I need to just be myself. And the people who are to love me, will love me for ME. Not for some weird projection of an idea of who I think others want me to be. What's the point of that?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The latest freeing thing was at work. I did my DISC assessment and went over it with my boss. Take a guess at what I am..
Drum roll please.....
Conscientious. A verrrry strong C. I like details and I like to work alone. I like my interactions at work to be professional. I can be perceived as cold and unfriendly because of that. I am a perfectionist. I don't like criticism, I take it very personally.
To read through those things with my boss.. and talk about what it's saying about how to work with me, how I thrive, where I have issues, how to praise me, how to challenge me.. it was all so spot-on. It's as if seeing it on paper really made it real, and okay. It gave me permission to be me. It showed me, I'm not crazy. This is who I am. This is how I work. Everyone's different, and this is how it is for me.
I figured out that my boss is a D, and that's part of why we work so well together.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All of this adds up to a lot of freedom for me.
I can breathe, relax, take it all in, know that it will all get done when it needs to get done (because you know what? IT ALWAYS HAS), and just enjoy what I have in front of me in this moment.
I have learned to say no, to be realistic about my limits to my energy, my time, my abilities. I'm learning to not stretch myself so thin.
I want to treasure the people, things, and hobbies that I have in my life. I don't want to dread each day because I feel so overwhelmed and tired. And the beautiful thing is, I don't have to feel that way.
Each day is a choice. And I choose to feel f r e e
In a great way.
It's been a snowball of a few different things that have made me think very differently than I was, and it has helped to diffuse a lot of the anxiety and stress that I was feeling.
The funny thing is, very little has actually changed about my day-to-day.. except my attitude. And my approach.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So it started with yoga. Three weeks ago I started doing yoga on Wednesday mornings at a community center near my house. The teacher is amazing. Calming, inspirational, everything. And it's cheap, which is great. And I'm supporting a local organization in my community. Wonderful.
But it really has affected my breathing.. and really just how I am in my body. I consciously notice my shoulders when they are tense, and I breathe space into them and let them sink back to where they should be. I do stretches in the morning and breathe. It has seriously slowed down my resting heart rate. Kid you not. If you haven't done yoga, you really should. And don't let a few not so great experiences or teachers let you shy away from it altogether. It took some bad experiences for me to come along to the place where I am now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Next was a conversation with a great friend and mentor of mine. I had expressed to her that I was feeling like I was hitting a wall on all of my commitments. I'm the kind of person that if I can't give something my all, my 100%, then I don't want to do it at all. I don't do things half-heartedly. At the same time, I have a hard time saying No, especially to things that are good or fun or helping others. So I over-commit. It's not inherently bad, it's just that I reached my breaking point. I was exhausted and overwhelmed. We had coffee and were talking about it. I realized during the conversation an important distinction that I (and a lot of people) need to make.
There is a difference between being busy and feeling frantic.
Busy, your time is full, you have things going on, you have a lot on your plate, you have little free time, you are going going going. You might also feel frantic, but you don't have to.
Frantic, you feel frenzied, tired, overwhelmed, crazy, zany, (for me, in the moments when I feel frantic, I flail my arms a lot when I'm talking about everything I'm doing).
However, feeling frantic is optional. It's a by-product. It's not inherent. I'd dare to say you can choose to feel frantic or not.
Some feel frantic and aren't actually busy. They just exaggerate or are dramatic. I, however, am legitimately busy. I work full time, go to grad school full time (technically, I found out they are changing the standards this fall so I am full time), volunteer, and try to maintain hobbies, friendships, family time, and a percentage of sanity while doing all of this.
See, that's the thing right there. Even saying "a percentage of sanity" .. that's frantic. Hmm. It's something I'm consciously noticing now.
But my big epiphany in that conversation was that
I can be busy, but I do not have to be frantic.
It's a choice. It's an attitude. It's an approach.
And guess what, it was not working for me.
I was hating each day because I felt like my life was one big To Do list and I was NOT getting it all done. And what I was getting done, was not up to the standards that I have set for myself. I was not a happy camper.
But this realization, that I don't have to feel frantic, was so freeing, so liberating.
This life that I lead, I have chosen. I choose my job (that I love), I choose my grad school (that I love), I choose my church, my family, my friends, my hobbies. It's all what I want in my life. There is nothing bad in any of it. I want everything that's included. And I can have it, minus feeling frantic.
Now when I look out at the trajectory of my week, to be honest, the days blend together and I tend to forget which day it is because I'm not looking at it as a chore.. a list. It's just one flow of existence. With purpose.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Next was this post about introverts.
I'm not sure why, but I've always felt .. ashamed.. disappointed.. something.. at the thought of me being an introvert. I think I felt weak.
All of which, obviously, are lies.
But that post really showed me that I'm not crazy, I'm not alone, and there are tons of people like me (a lot of my friends).
The thing is, in social interactions with people who don't know me very well, I tend to feel very misunderstood. People think I'm crabby when I'm actually quite happy, I'm just not talking talking talking (Myths 1 and 2). I hate it when some stranger will tell me "Oh cheer up and smile!" when I'm at a show or something. I honestly want to scream at them and say "You have no idea how happy I am! I don't need to just stand here smiling all the time! Who does that!" Seriously. I want to say that. It happens often, in fact it happened just last night. Someone mocked me as if I was just sitting there with my arms crossed looking grumpy. I wasn't. I was sitting there, thinking, and enjoying the live music I was seeing. It's frustrating when people think that others operate exactly like they do and if someone isn't, then something must be wrong. Not true.
I think that a lot of behavior or lack of for introverts is largely misunderstood. And for the most part, unwelcome. As if anytime I'm in a group, I have to be talking. Anytime I'm at an activity, I have to be smiling otherwise I'm not having fun. None of that is true.
So to read that post, and to realize, those qualities.. are who I am. And it's not about changing myself, but being myself. Unapologetically. Who do I need to be anyone else for? Who am I trying to please? What's the point?
I used to have thoughts of.. I don't like such and such quality about me.. I need to be more outgoing.. more this, more that.. Or maybe, I need to just be myself. And the people who are to love me, will love me for ME. Not for some weird projection of an idea of who I think others want me to be. What's the point of that?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The latest freeing thing was at work. I did my DISC assessment and went over it with my boss. Take a guess at what I am..
Drum roll please.....
Conscientious. A verrrry strong C. I like details and I like to work alone. I like my interactions at work to be professional. I can be perceived as cold and unfriendly because of that. I am a perfectionist. I don't like criticism, I take it very personally.
To read through those things with my boss.. and talk about what it's saying about how to work with me, how I thrive, where I have issues, how to praise me, how to challenge me.. it was all so spot-on. It's as if seeing it on paper really made it real, and okay. It gave me permission to be me. It showed me, I'm not crazy. This is who I am. This is how I work. Everyone's different, and this is how it is for me.
I figured out that my boss is a D, and that's part of why we work so well together.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All of this adds up to a lot of freedom for me.
I can breathe, relax, take it all in, know that it will all get done when it needs to get done (because you know what? IT ALWAYS HAS), and just enjoy what I have in front of me in this moment.
I have learned to say no, to be realistic about my limits to my energy, my time, my abilities. I'm learning to not stretch myself so thin.
I want to treasure the people, things, and hobbies that I have in my life. I don't want to dread each day because I feel so overwhelmed and tired. And the beautiful thing is, I don't have to feel that way.
Each day is a choice. And I choose to feel f r e e
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