read and spoken

Ahhhhh sigh.

There's been a few things I've read in the last few days that have really spoken to me. So I'll jot them down here..

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Why Lying Broken on your Bedroom Floor is a Good Idea
Posted by Anne Van de Water | Category: Uncategorized | No Comments 

Here is an amazing article that I recently read in Elephant Journal…So powerful. So true. So just what we all need to hear…
The Goddess of never not broken.

You know that feeling when you have just gone through a breakup, or lost your job, and everything is terrible and terrifying and you don’t know what to do, and you find yourself crying in a pile on your bedroom floor, barely able to remember how to use the phone, desperately looking for some sign of God in old letters, or your Facebook newsfeed or on Glee, finding nothing there to comfort you?

Come on, yes you do. We all do.

And there is a goddess from Hindu mythology that teaches us that, in this moment, in this pile on the floor, you are more powerful than you’ve ever been.

This past week, I have been deeply inspired by a talk I heard on the Yoga Teacher Telesummit by Eric Stoneberg on this relatively unknown Goddess from Hindu mythology: Akhilandeshvari.

This figure has snuck up inside me and settled into my bones. She keeps coming out of my mouth every time I teach, and she’s given me so much strength and possibility during a time of change and uncertainty in my own life. I wanted to unpack a little bit about who she is for those that might be, like me, struggling a little bit in that pile on the floor and wondering how the hell to get up again.

The answer, it turns out, is this: in pieces, warrior-style, on the back of a crocodile. Yee ha.
Akhilandeshvari:

“Ishvari” in Sanskrit means “goddess” or “female power,” and the “Akhilanda” means essentially “never not broken.” In other words, The Always Broken Goddess. Sanskrit is a tricky and amazing language, and I love that the double negative here means that she is broken right down to her name.

But this isn’t the kind of broken that indicates weakness and terror.

It’s the kind of broken that tears apart all the stuff that gets us stuck in toxic routines, repeating the same relationships and habits over and over, rather than diving into the scary process of trying something new and unfathomable.

Akhilanda derives her power from being broken: in flux, pulling herself apart, living in different, constant selves at the same time, from never becoming a whole that has limitations.

The thing about going through sudden or scary or sad transitions (like a breakup) is that one of the things you lose is your future: your expectations of what the story of your life so far was going to become. When you lose that partner or that job or that person, your future dissolves in front of you.

And of course, this is terrifying.

But look, Akhilanda says, now you get to make a choice. In pieces, in a pile on the floor, with no idea how to go forward, your expectations of the future are meaningless. Your stories about the past do not apply. You are in flux, you are changing, you are flowing in a new way, and this is an incredibly powerful opportunity to become new again: to choose how you want to put yourself back together. Confusion can be an incredible teacher—how could you ever learn if you already had it all figured out?

This goddess has another interesting attribute, which is, of course, her ride: a crocodile.

Crocodiles are interesting in two ways: Firstly, Stoneberg explains that the crocodile represents our reptilian brain, which is where we feel fear. Secondly, the predatory power of a crocodile is not located in their huge jaws, but rather that they pluck their prey from the banks of the river, take it into the water, and spin it until it is disoriented. They whirl that prey like a dervish seeking God, they use the power of spin rather than brute force to feed themselves.

By riding on this spinning, predatory, fearsome creature, Akhilanda refuses to reject her fear, nor does she let it control her. She rides on it. She gets on this animal that lives inside the river, inside the flow. She takes her fear down to the river and uses its power to navigate the waves, and spins in the never not broken water. Akhilanda shows us that this is beautiful. Stoneberg writes:

Akhilanda is also sometimes described in our lineage like a spinning, multi-faceted prism. Imagine the Hope Diamond twirling in a bright, clear light. The light pouring through the beveled cuts of the diamond would create a whirling rainbow of color. The diamond is whole and complete and BECAUSE it’s fractured, it creates more diverse beauty. Its form is a spectrum of whirling color.

That means that this feeling of confusion and brokenness that every human has felt at some time or another in our lives is a source of beauty and colour and new reflections and possibilities.

If everything remained the same, if we walked along the same path down to the river every day until there was a groove there (as we do; in Sanskrit this is called Samskara, habits or even “some scars”), this routine would become so limited, so toxic to us that, well, the crocs would catch on, and we’d get plucked from the banks, spun and eaten.

So now is the time, this time of confusion and brokenness and fear and sadness, to get up on that fear, ride it down to the river, dip into the waves, and let yourself break. Become a prism.

All the places where you’ve shattered can now reflect light and colour where there was none. Now is the time to become something new, to choose a new whole.

But remember Akhilanda’s lesson: even that new whole, that new, colourful, amazing groove that we create, is an illusion. It means nothing unless we can keep on breaking apart and putting ourselves together again as many times as we need to. We are already “never not broken.” We were never a consistent, limited whole. In our brokenness, we are unlimited. And that means we are amazing.

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"Patience child, patience. Remember, life is a journey. If you got everything you wanted all at once there'd be no point to living. Enjoy the ride, and in the end you'll see these "setbacks" as giant leaps forward, only you couldn't see the bigger picture in the moment. Remain calm, all is within reach; all you have to do is show up every day, stay true to your path and you will surely find the treasure you seek."
- Jackson Kiddard

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You can't chase a man. Women who have a feminine core shine with their radiance and the right man will be attracted to her like a moth to the flame. But in many women's insecurity, they don't give a man the right amount of time or space to pursue them, so they end up pursuing a man - which is not in their nature if they have a feminine core. I'm reminded of something Tony Robbins said at Date With Destiny. He said, "A lot of women are too busy being a good man to attract one". And this is how many women are in the West today. They are super awesome at making stuff happen and achieving what they think is how to create and attract their ideal man. But, if you have a feminine core, your natural essence isn't to pursue, but to be pursued. She was in touch with that place inside her that knew that her soulmate wasn't just going to come along, but her soulmate is going to BE where she is going and that she doesn't have to DO anything to find him except be her beautiful, amazing, awesome radiant self. So, are you trying to produce your love life? Can you let it go and trust that the right one will show up in perfect time? Can you know that because you exist and so does your desire for love that your soulmate exists, too? 
-The Daily Love 1.12.12

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The key to any relationship or partnership is trust. And there is one aspect of trust that I think is most important is trusting that when moments of anger, sadness or frustration come up that the relationship is safe enough that each person can express their truth without the threat of the other person leaving the relationship if that happens.
It’s okay to be fully expressed in how you feel, and just because someone is sad, angry or going through something, that doesn’t have to equate to “I’m leaving you”. Somewhere in my brain I equated sadness and anger to being abandoned. The lesson was: I can feel this way, still Love you, be committed to staying with you and also Love myself enough to feel the feelings that I was feeling.
So, my question for you today is: can you express your truth in your relationships? Do people make you feel wrong for doing that? Do you link up anger/sadness with being abandoned? Do you avoid telling the truth because you are afraid that your relationship is going to fall apart if you do? And do you have the courage to let the truth out anyways, knowing that when you do, you will either come closer together, or split – because of the TRUTH!?
-The Daily Love 1.16.12

patience

So.

God gives you the desires of your heart, right.

Not as in He fulfills them, but He actually plants the seeds of what you want.

Okay.

But what about when He's given me some huge desires of my heart, and I'm struggling to wait for the plant to grow?

I don't know what it is about lately, but I am majorly struggling being single. I've hashed it out a bit with God too. Trust me, He knows that I'm lonely. And it's not a can-be-filled-with-friends kind of lonely. It's a come-on-God-I'm-a-good-catch lonely. An if-I'm-so-great-why-am-I-alone lonely. Not exactly the kind of lonely that attracts the lads, I suppose.

And to be honest, I struggle with filling it with people who aren't the best for me. This isn't new. And I know I'm not alone in this .. issue. Issue isn't the word. But I know I've got a lot of company of the female realm in my situation. And it stinks.

And I guess, it kind of just is what it is. I think life is one big lesson to be learned as we go. And I know for myself I need to learn lessons the hard way.

I know that part of this whole living on my own lesson is to learn to be okay being alone, being on my own, being single, however you want to say it. That's not news to me.

And add to that, it's like 5* outside so I can't just go sit outside at a cute coffee shop by my house. Hellooooo cabin fever. I'm just about going crazy. This coming from a girl who is learning to LOVE her alone time. I'm starting to implode into myself.

Seasons, everything is a season. This too shall pass. Everything always does.

But sometimes I wonder, what's taking so long?

Oh look, another ongoing lesson of mine: patience.

life lessons 2011

I feel like 2011 was a year filled with lessons.

Relationships, friendships, work, school, buying a house and living on my own, so many things that have shaped who I am and are shaping who I am becoming.

Learning the value of me. How that ebbs and flows and I begin to think I comprehend it, and then poof, it's out the window. Finding my value in God vs. the people around me giving me validation. It's a daily.. struggle isn't the word.. but I guess again, it just ebbs and flows.

Learning what I want and don't want in relationships and friendships, and learning to ask for those things or how to say something isn't feeling good when it isn't feeling good.

Learning to be myself, unapologetically. And how the people who stay by your side are the people who really love you for who your are, instead of who you pretend to be.

Learning that loving others is hard work. But it's the most rewarding kind. If not for myself, but to see the joy in their eyes or the power of a simple compliment or favor. Must do this more.

Learning that my relationship with God ebbs and flows. And that the fact that He isn't going anywhere, no matter what, is the most powerful security I have ever felt.

Learning that not only is being on my own not scary, it's actually one of the most wonderful experiences of my life. I can enjoy not making plans and end up spending time at home with a good book and be completely content.

Learning that being introverted is just who I am. To embrace the qualities that come along with that instead of trying to be someone I'm not. It's exhausting to try and at the end of the day, I can't change who I am. And I shouldn't try to.

Learning that sometimes I need to make mistakes to learn. That there's always a hand to pick me up and that I can find the strength to dust my knees off and get back up again.

Learning that sometimes the best help I can be for friends is to be praying and thinking and hoping and loving.. from afar. But knowing that their future is in God's hands, and it was never meant to be in mine.

Learning that there is a blessing in each pain. Small or big, it's there. Might not seem like it right away, might be impossible to see for a while, but eventually, it comes out. And in the end, it's worth it.

...and so much more.

30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself

Article written by Marc at Marcandangel.com
When you stop chasing the wrong things you give the right things a chance to catch you.

As Maria Robinson once said, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” Nothing could be closer to the truth. But before you can begin this process of transformation you have to stop doing the things that have been holding you back.

Here are some ideas to get you started:

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.

2. Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on. No, it won’t be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems. That’s not how we’re made. In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.

3. Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself. Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves. Read The Road Less Traveled .

4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. Yes, help others; but help yourself too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.

5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you likeeveryone else. Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you. Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.

6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.

7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success. You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.

8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future. Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.

9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive. But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.

10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either. You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else. Read Stumbling on Happines.

11. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place. Evaluate situations and take decisive action. You cannot change what you refuse to confront. Making progress involves risk. Period! You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.

12. Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.

13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely. It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company. There’s no need to rush. If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.

14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you. But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.

15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others doing better than you. Concentrate on beating your own records every day. Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.

16. Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own. Ask yourself this: “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”

17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you. You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough. But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past. You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation. So smile! Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.

18. Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself! And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too. If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.

19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.

20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway. Just do what you know in your heart is right.

21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.

22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things. The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.

23. Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done. Read Getting Things Done.

24. Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile. Don’t take the easy way out. Do something extraordinary.

25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while. You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well. You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.

26. Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life. When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.

27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out. But making one person smile CAN change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world. So narrow your focus.

28. Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy. One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time? Three years? Five years?” If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.

29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen. Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story. If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.

30. Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life. Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs. Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

CREDIT: Full article written by Marc at Marcandangel.com

the six and the nine

Just took this test called the Enneagram and well....

The Questioner (the Six)

• Questioners are responsible, trustworthy, and value loyalty to family, friends, groups, and causes. Their personalities range broadly from reserved and timid to outspoken and confrontative.

How to Get Along with Me

• Be direct and clear.
• Listen to me carefully.
• Don't judge me for my anxiety.
• Work things through with me.
• Reassure me that everything is OK between us.
• Laugh and make jokes with me.
• Gently push me toward new experiences.
• Try not to overreact to my overreacting.

What I Like About Being a Six

• being committed and faithful to family and friends
• being responsible and hardworking
• being compassionate toward others
• having intellect and wit
• being a nonconformist
• confronting danger bravely
• being direct and assertive

What's Hard About Being a Six

• the constant push and pull involved in trying to make up my mind
• procrastinating because of fear of failure; having little confidence in myself
• fearing being abandoned or taken advantage of
• exhausting myself by worrying and scanning for danger
• wishing I had a rule book at work so I could do everything right
• being too critical of myself when I haven't lived up to my expectations

Sixes as Children Often

are friendly, likable, and dependable, and/or sarcastic, bossy, and stubborn
are anxious and hypervigilant; anticipate danger
form a team of "us against them" with a best friend or parent
look to groups or authorities to protect them and/or question authority and rebel
are neglected or abused, come from unpredictable or alcoholic families, and/or take on the fearfulness of an overly anxious parent

Sixes as Parents

are often loving, nurturing, and have a strong sense of duty
are sometimes reluctant to give their children independence
worry more than most that their children will get hurt
sometimes have trouble saying no and setting boundaries

and

The Peacemaker (the Nine)

• Peacemakers are receptive, good-natured, and supportive. They seek union with others and the world around them.

How to Get Along with Me

• If you want me to do something, how you ask is important. I especially don't like expectations or pressure.
• I like to listen and to be of service, but don't take advatage of this.
• Listen until I finish speaking, even though I meander a bit.
• Give me time to finish things and make decisions. It's OK to nudge me gently and nonjudgmentally.
• Ask me questions to help me get clear.
• Tell me when you like how I look. I'm not averse to flattery.
• Hug me, show physical affection. It opens me up to my feelings.
• I like a good discussion but not a confrontation.
• Let me know you like what I've done or said.
• Laugh with me and share in my enjoyment of life.

What I Like About Being a Nine

• being nonjudgmental and accepting
• caring for and being concerned about others
• being able to relax and have a good time
• knowing that most people enjoy my company; I'm easy to be around
• my ability to see many different sides of an issue and to be a good mediator and facilitator
• my heightened awareness of sensations, aesthetics, and the here and now
• being able to go with the flow and feel one with the universe

What's Hard About Being a Nine

• being judged and misunderstood for being placid and/or indecisive
• being critical of myself for lacking initiative and discipline
• being too sensitive to criticism; taking every raised eyebrow and twitch of the mouth personally
• being confused about what I really want
• caring too much about what others will think of me
• not being listened to or taken seriously

Nines as Children Often

feel ignored and that their wants, opinions, and feelings are unimportant
tune out a lot, especially when others argue
are "good" children: deny anger or keep it to themselves

Nines as Parents

are supportive, kind, and warm
are sometimes overly permissive or nondirective

steps

"In the end, the only steps that matter are the ones you take by yourself."

A song I've never heard by a band I've never heard, on my station on Pandora just sang that. It stuck out to me. Need to contemplate that one for a while.

home is..

I'm jamming (loudly) to Taylor Swift and packing for my house. I am in heaven.

Also, I thought this was funny. My realtor had set up automatic emails for my condo search so whenever something new came on the market or changed price I would get a notification. He forgot to turn that off so I just got an email.

There is NOTHING good on the market in the way of condos.

Who knew I was meant to find a house all along? (I know who knew.) ;o)

I found this gem at a thrift store in Madison last week.

It's going above Jack's food dish in the house.