who is this for?

"Don't look back and ask why, look ahead and ask why not."

Saw that the other day. I really like it.

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But my thoughts today are about something different.

I've been thinking a lot lately about who we do things for. Am I funny because I want to be or because I think other people expect me to be, or want me to be? Am I going to this party because I feel like I have to or because I actually want to be there? Am I being true to myself?

So easily we can find ourselves doing something for the wrong reasons. And I think part of it has to do with this idea that if we do what WE want, what's right for OURSELVES, we're somehow being selfish and self-centered. But you know what? I think there's a healthy level of self-centered-ness. Who else should I be centered around??

What made me think of this was my latest tattoo.

When I went in last summer with a different idea, but still with writing on my left wrist, the artist said "So you want it upside down?" and I thought.. no.. this is right-side-up... if it was the other direction it'd be for other people to read it.. the meaning is for me to read.

It got me thinking. Who is this really for? And it's always been for me, which is why it was always facing this direction. But who would get a tattoo facing the other way, so other people can see it? My mind got sassy and thought Who cares about other people seeing it? It's for me.

Where is my motivation? Do I put one foot in front of the other to please others, to do what they think I should do, or for what I know to be right for me?

It feels good to say that I'm confident at this point (have worked toward it) that most of the time, I do what I do, say what I say, wear what I wear, etc. etc. for me. Other people agreeing, enjoying, whatever, is icing on the cake. But is not the goal.  

But man, it's a process to get to that point. And I still struggle with it. But this new ink in my skin is another good reminder that my life is my own, no one else has to live it, and I should do what I do for me.

Similarly is the reaction I get from people when they see it. Trouble with me (I get this from my mom) is having an expectation or ideal for someone's reaction to something. Whether it be a joke I want them to find funny, or a story I want them to find interesting, or a tattoo that has a lot of meaning for me. My mom and I joke "I didn't get the reaction I was looking for!" It's a trap. It's like that saying, "Expectations lead to disappointment" or whatever it is. As if I can prescribe how I want someone to react, especially when I'm so intent on not worrying about their prescription for me.

But it's interesting when people see it - reactions range from "Oh wow, I really like it!" to "Oh. K." and I stop myself and think, It's not about them. It's not about someone else's reaction. But I stay here for a moment because I want it to be meaningful for other people too, though that's entirely out of my control.

Not everything I do, in fact probably not much of what I do, is going to get a resounding Oh my gosh I just love it so much, you're just so great. And I don't need it to. I find my worth in God, and in who He has created me to be. He says He's pleased with His creation. That's enough for me.