who is this for?

"Don't look back and ask why, look ahead and ask why not."

Saw that the other day. I really like it.

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But my thoughts today are about something different.

I've been thinking a lot lately about who we do things for. Am I funny because I want to be or because I think other people expect me to be, or want me to be? Am I going to this party because I feel like I have to or because I actually want to be there? Am I being true to myself?

So easily we can find ourselves doing something for the wrong reasons. And I think part of it has to do with this idea that if we do what WE want, what's right for OURSELVES, we're somehow being selfish and self-centered. But you know what? I think there's a healthy level of self-centered-ness. Who else should I be centered around??

What made me think of this was my latest tattoo.

When I went in last summer with a different idea, but still with writing on my left wrist, the artist said "So you want it upside down?" and I thought.. no.. this is right-side-up... if it was the other direction it'd be for other people to read it.. the meaning is for me to read.

It got me thinking. Who is this really for? And it's always been for me, which is why it was always facing this direction. But who would get a tattoo facing the other way, so other people can see it? My mind got sassy and thought Who cares about other people seeing it? It's for me.

Where is my motivation? Do I put one foot in front of the other to please others, to do what they think I should do, or for what I know to be right for me?

It feels good to say that I'm confident at this point (have worked toward it) that most of the time, I do what I do, say what I say, wear what I wear, etc. etc. for me. Other people agreeing, enjoying, whatever, is icing on the cake. But is not the goal.  

But man, it's a process to get to that point. And I still struggle with it. But this new ink in my skin is another good reminder that my life is my own, no one else has to live it, and I should do what I do for me.

Similarly is the reaction I get from people when they see it. Trouble with me (I get this from my mom) is having an expectation or ideal for someone's reaction to something. Whether it be a joke I want them to find funny, or a story I want them to find interesting, or a tattoo that has a lot of meaning for me. My mom and I joke "I didn't get the reaction I was looking for!" It's a trap. It's like that saying, "Expectations lead to disappointment" or whatever it is. As if I can prescribe how I want someone to react, especially when I'm so intent on not worrying about their prescription for me.

But it's interesting when people see it - reactions range from "Oh wow, I really like it!" to "Oh. K." and I stop myself and think, It's not about them. It's not about someone else's reaction. But I stay here for a moment because I want it to be meaningful for other people too, though that's entirely out of my control.

Not everything I do, in fact probably not much of what I do, is going to get a resounding Oh my gosh I just love it so much, you're just so great. And I don't need it to. I find my worth in God, and in who He has created me to be. He says He's pleased with His creation. That's enough for me.

read and spoken

Ahhhhh sigh.

There's been a few things I've read in the last few days that have really spoken to me. So I'll jot them down here..

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Why Lying Broken on your Bedroom Floor is a Good Idea
Posted by Anne Van de Water | Category: Uncategorized | No Comments 

Here is an amazing article that I recently read in Elephant Journal…So powerful. So true. So just what we all need to hear…
The Goddess of never not broken.

You know that feeling when you have just gone through a breakup, or lost your job, and everything is terrible and terrifying and you don’t know what to do, and you find yourself crying in a pile on your bedroom floor, barely able to remember how to use the phone, desperately looking for some sign of God in old letters, or your Facebook newsfeed or on Glee, finding nothing there to comfort you?

Come on, yes you do. We all do.

And there is a goddess from Hindu mythology that teaches us that, in this moment, in this pile on the floor, you are more powerful than you’ve ever been.

This past week, I have been deeply inspired by a talk I heard on the Yoga Teacher Telesummit by Eric Stoneberg on this relatively unknown Goddess from Hindu mythology: Akhilandeshvari.

This figure has snuck up inside me and settled into my bones. She keeps coming out of my mouth every time I teach, and she’s given me so much strength and possibility during a time of change and uncertainty in my own life. I wanted to unpack a little bit about who she is for those that might be, like me, struggling a little bit in that pile on the floor and wondering how the hell to get up again.

The answer, it turns out, is this: in pieces, warrior-style, on the back of a crocodile. Yee ha.
Akhilandeshvari:

“Ishvari” in Sanskrit means “goddess” or “female power,” and the “Akhilanda” means essentially “never not broken.” In other words, The Always Broken Goddess. Sanskrit is a tricky and amazing language, and I love that the double negative here means that she is broken right down to her name.

But this isn’t the kind of broken that indicates weakness and terror.

It’s the kind of broken that tears apart all the stuff that gets us stuck in toxic routines, repeating the same relationships and habits over and over, rather than diving into the scary process of trying something new and unfathomable.

Akhilanda derives her power from being broken: in flux, pulling herself apart, living in different, constant selves at the same time, from never becoming a whole that has limitations.

The thing about going through sudden or scary or sad transitions (like a breakup) is that one of the things you lose is your future: your expectations of what the story of your life so far was going to become. When you lose that partner or that job or that person, your future dissolves in front of you.

And of course, this is terrifying.

But look, Akhilanda says, now you get to make a choice. In pieces, in a pile on the floor, with no idea how to go forward, your expectations of the future are meaningless. Your stories about the past do not apply. You are in flux, you are changing, you are flowing in a new way, and this is an incredibly powerful opportunity to become new again: to choose how you want to put yourself back together. Confusion can be an incredible teacher—how could you ever learn if you already had it all figured out?

This goddess has another interesting attribute, which is, of course, her ride: a crocodile.

Crocodiles are interesting in two ways: Firstly, Stoneberg explains that the crocodile represents our reptilian brain, which is where we feel fear. Secondly, the predatory power of a crocodile is not located in their huge jaws, but rather that they pluck their prey from the banks of the river, take it into the water, and spin it until it is disoriented. They whirl that prey like a dervish seeking God, they use the power of spin rather than brute force to feed themselves.

By riding on this spinning, predatory, fearsome creature, Akhilanda refuses to reject her fear, nor does she let it control her. She rides on it. She gets on this animal that lives inside the river, inside the flow. She takes her fear down to the river and uses its power to navigate the waves, and spins in the never not broken water. Akhilanda shows us that this is beautiful. Stoneberg writes:

Akhilanda is also sometimes described in our lineage like a spinning, multi-faceted prism. Imagine the Hope Diamond twirling in a bright, clear light. The light pouring through the beveled cuts of the diamond would create a whirling rainbow of color. The diamond is whole and complete and BECAUSE it’s fractured, it creates more diverse beauty. Its form is a spectrum of whirling color.

That means that this feeling of confusion and brokenness that every human has felt at some time or another in our lives is a source of beauty and colour and new reflections and possibilities.

If everything remained the same, if we walked along the same path down to the river every day until there was a groove there (as we do; in Sanskrit this is called Samskara, habits or even “some scars”), this routine would become so limited, so toxic to us that, well, the crocs would catch on, and we’d get plucked from the banks, spun and eaten.

So now is the time, this time of confusion and brokenness and fear and sadness, to get up on that fear, ride it down to the river, dip into the waves, and let yourself break. Become a prism.

All the places where you’ve shattered can now reflect light and colour where there was none. Now is the time to become something new, to choose a new whole.

But remember Akhilanda’s lesson: even that new whole, that new, colourful, amazing groove that we create, is an illusion. It means nothing unless we can keep on breaking apart and putting ourselves together again as many times as we need to. We are already “never not broken.” We were never a consistent, limited whole. In our brokenness, we are unlimited. And that means we are amazing.

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"Patience child, patience. Remember, life is a journey. If you got everything you wanted all at once there'd be no point to living. Enjoy the ride, and in the end you'll see these "setbacks" as giant leaps forward, only you couldn't see the bigger picture in the moment. Remain calm, all is within reach; all you have to do is show up every day, stay true to your path and you will surely find the treasure you seek."
- Jackson Kiddard

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You can't chase a man. Women who have a feminine core shine with their radiance and the right man will be attracted to her like a moth to the flame. But in many women's insecurity, they don't give a man the right amount of time or space to pursue them, so they end up pursuing a man - which is not in their nature if they have a feminine core. I'm reminded of something Tony Robbins said at Date With Destiny. He said, "A lot of women are too busy being a good man to attract one". And this is how many women are in the West today. They are super awesome at making stuff happen and achieving what they think is how to create and attract their ideal man. But, if you have a feminine core, your natural essence isn't to pursue, but to be pursued. She was in touch with that place inside her that knew that her soulmate wasn't just going to come along, but her soulmate is going to BE where she is going and that she doesn't have to DO anything to find him except be her beautiful, amazing, awesome radiant self. So, are you trying to produce your love life? Can you let it go and trust that the right one will show up in perfect time? Can you know that because you exist and so does your desire for love that your soulmate exists, too? 
-The Daily Love 1.12.12

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The key to any relationship or partnership is trust. And there is one aspect of trust that I think is most important is trusting that when moments of anger, sadness or frustration come up that the relationship is safe enough that each person can express their truth without the threat of the other person leaving the relationship if that happens.
It’s okay to be fully expressed in how you feel, and just because someone is sad, angry or going through something, that doesn’t have to equate to “I’m leaving you”. Somewhere in my brain I equated sadness and anger to being abandoned. The lesson was: I can feel this way, still Love you, be committed to staying with you and also Love myself enough to feel the feelings that I was feeling.
So, my question for you today is: can you express your truth in your relationships? Do people make you feel wrong for doing that? Do you link up anger/sadness with being abandoned? Do you avoid telling the truth because you are afraid that your relationship is going to fall apart if you do? And do you have the courage to let the truth out anyways, knowing that when you do, you will either come closer together, or split – because of the TRUTH!?
-The Daily Love 1.16.12

patience

So.

God gives you the desires of your heart, right.

Not as in He fulfills them, but He actually plants the seeds of what you want.

Okay.

But what about when He's given me some huge desires of my heart, and I'm struggling to wait for the plant to grow?

I don't know what it is about lately, but I am majorly struggling being single. I've hashed it out a bit with God too. Trust me, He knows that I'm lonely. And it's not a can-be-filled-with-friends kind of lonely. It's a come-on-God-I'm-a-good-catch lonely. An if-I'm-so-great-why-am-I-alone lonely. Not exactly the kind of lonely that attracts the lads, I suppose.

And to be honest, I struggle with filling it with people who aren't the best for me. This isn't new. And I know I'm not alone in this .. issue. Issue isn't the word. But I know I've got a lot of company of the female realm in my situation. And it stinks.

And I guess, it kind of just is what it is. I think life is one big lesson to be learned as we go. And I know for myself I need to learn lessons the hard way.

I know that part of this whole living on my own lesson is to learn to be okay being alone, being on my own, being single, however you want to say it. That's not news to me.

And add to that, it's like 5* outside so I can't just go sit outside at a cute coffee shop by my house. Hellooooo cabin fever. I'm just about going crazy. This coming from a girl who is learning to LOVE her alone time. I'm starting to implode into myself.

Seasons, everything is a season. This too shall pass. Everything always does.

But sometimes I wonder, what's taking so long?

Oh look, another ongoing lesson of mine: patience.

life lessons 2011

I feel like 2011 was a year filled with lessons.

Relationships, friendships, work, school, buying a house and living on my own, so many things that have shaped who I am and are shaping who I am becoming.

Learning the value of me. How that ebbs and flows and I begin to think I comprehend it, and then poof, it's out the window. Finding my value in God vs. the people around me giving me validation. It's a daily.. struggle isn't the word.. but I guess again, it just ebbs and flows.

Learning what I want and don't want in relationships and friendships, and learning to ask for those things or how to say something isn't feeling good when it isn't feeling good.

Learning to be myself, unapologetically. And how the people who stay by your side are the people who really love you for who your are, instead of who you pretend to be.

Learning that loving others is hard work. But it's the most rewarding kind. If not for myself, but to see the joy in their eyes or the power of a simple compliment or favor. Must do this more.

Learning that my relationship with God ebbs and flows. And that the fact that He isn't going anywhere, no matter what, is the most powerful security I have ever felt.

Learning that not only is being on my own not scary, it's actually one of the most wonderful experiences of my life. I can enjoy not making plans and end up spending time at home with a good book and be completely content.

Learning that being introverted is just who I am. To embrace the qualities that come along with that instead of trying to be someone I'm not. It's exhausting to try and at the end of the day, I can't change who I am. And I shouldn't try to.

Learning that sometimes I need to make mistakes to learn. That there's always a hand to pick me up and that I can find the strength to dust my knees off and get back up again.

Learning that sometimes the best help I can be for friends is to be praying and thinking and hoping and loving.. from afar. But knowing that their future is in God's hands, and it was never meant to be in mine.

Learning that there is a blessing in each pain. Small or big, it's there. Might not seem like it right away, might be impossible to see for a while, but eventually, it comes out. And in the end, it's worth it.

...and so much more.