I'm feeling a major time of transition at this point in my life.
Here I am, looking up how to become a family mediator. Changes are happening at work (facilitated by me) to change what I do and pass on the administrative program duties to a good friend of mine within the agency. I will have the opportunity to start up my own children's support group (exciting! and terrifying!) and take on other projects for the organization.
While I'm very excited to be moving forward to new challenges, I'm also very sad. It's an interesting feeling because all of this change is being brought into my life because I chose it. No one told me I had to change what I do. I just had this feeling about a month ago that I wanted to start a children's group and I wanted to no longer being doing the day-to-day duties that I've been doing for 5 years. And I'm quite excited to not be paying attention to all those details anymore, but sad because I don't like change and I've got such a good system worked out for the program. My sanity is saved because I'll be training my successor who I know very well and she is as detail-oriented as I am so she will be just fine. It's more the unknown that I feel uneasy about.
But if I can find the excitement in it.. Because it's there.
The desire being planted in my heart to start a kid's support group...
The desire being planted in my heart to become a family mediator (possibly even during grad school, through a separate program)
Just all of this desire to move on, move forward..
It's being facilitated in part because at the end of April I'm hitting my 5 year anniversary at work. It feels like a good time, a good substantial amount of time invested in it and just a good turning point for the next step.
It's one of those things where you know it's totally right, and yet it feels.. unsettled.
I have no doubt it's the right thing, but I have moments where I want to hold on to what I have right now with such white knuckles because it's what I know and it's what's safe.
But sometimes you have to let go to really move forward into new, good possibilities.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Sunday, March 18, 2012
potential
"You have all you need within you to become the best version of yourself. Anything that inspires you is an outward reflection of the potential within you. Cultivate in your own life, in your own way, the qualities and greatness you see in others and pretty soon you will be living a life that is your personal version of greatness. Your work is to apply yourself everyday and don't look back."
- Jackson Kiddard
- Jackson Kiddard
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
forgetting
Sometimes I forget this.
Okay, I forget this a lot. Especially lately.
Not that I forget that I have it, I love that I have it.
I forget the meaning. The truth.
Sometimes I feel terribly unlovable. But more importantly, terribly unloved.
And in a way that people in my life can't fill. And I think that's the point.
It's a God-shaped emptiness.
But it's a not seeing it, on my part. A mild turning-away. A forgetting. A not-acknowledging. Not living in it. Not accepting it.
A going through the motions. A to do list life.
I've found myself at this place many times before. Days become cumbersome to themselves. Everything is a task and I'm not getting enough checked off. Every conversation is a chore. Making plans? Forget it.
I'm not sure exactly what I need to break this, but it's been taken care of in the past, so I know it will again.
But I need to remember. Unending love, amazing grace. I never earned it. It's not about my worth then, now, or ever. In every situation, it's there. And I get to choose to live in it. Breathe it in.
Monday, March 5, 2012
subtle uneasiness
"What does patience feel like? It's a subtle unfolding with time as your ally. You feel relaxed and trust that it will all work out, even if in this very moment, there's no clear path to the end. It feels like the subtle uneasiness of allowing all you're uncomfortable with to be exactly as it is."
- Jackson Kiddard
- Jackson Kiddard
Monday, February 27, 2012
change
I love this.
"One of the most loving things you can do for another person is let them make their own mistakes, learn their own lessons and endure in the contrast of a life they don't really want. People only really change when they've hit rock bottom - sometimes the most loving thing you can do for a person is to let them and be there to help pick up the pieces. Permanent change comes from within, no one can give it to you."
- Jackson Kiddard, author & polymath.
"One of the most loving things you can do for another person is let them make their own mistakes, learn their own lessons and endure in the contrast of a life they don't really want. People only really change when they've hit rock bottom - sometimes the most loving thing you can do for a person is to let them and be there to help pick up the pieces. Permanent change comes from within, no one can give it to you."
- Jackson Kiddard, author & polymath.
Monday, January 30, 2012
who is this for?
"Don't look back and ask why, look ahead and ask why not."
Saw that the other day. I really like it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
But my thoughts today are about something different.
I've been thinking a lot lately about who we do things for. Am I funny because I want to be or because I think other people expect me to be, or want me to be? Am I going to this party because I feel like I have to or because I actually want to be there? Am I being true to myself?
So easily we can find ourselves doing something for the wrong reasons. And I think part of it has to do with this idea that if we do what WE want, what's right for OURSELVES, we're somehow being selfish and self-centered. But you know what? I think there's a healthy level of self-centered-ness. Who else should I be centered around??
What made me think of this was my latest tattoo.
When I went in last summer with a different idea, but still with writing on my left wrist, the artist said "So you want it upside down?" and I thought.. no.. this is right-side-up... if it was the other direction it'd be for other people to read it.. the meaning is for me to read.
It got me thinking. Who is this really for? And it's always been for me, which is why it was always facing this direction. But who would get a tattoo facing the other way, so other people can see it? My mind got sassy and thought Who cares about other people seeing it? It's for me.
Where is my motivation? Do I put one foot in front of the other to please others, to do what they think I should do, or for what I know to be right for me?
It feels good to say that I'm confident at this point (have worked toward it) that most of the time, I do what I do, say what I say, wear what I wear, etc. etc. for me. Other people agreeing, enjoying, whatever, is icing on the cake. But is not the goal.
But man, it's a process to get to that point. And I still struggle with it. But this new ink in my skin is another good reminder that my life is my own, no one else has to live it, and I should do what I do for me.
Similarly is the reaction I get from people when they see it. Trouble with me (I get this from my mom) is having an expectation or ideal for someone's reaction to something. Whether it be a joke I want them to find funny, or a story I want them to find interesting, or a tattoo that has a lot of meaning for me. My mom and I joke "I didn't get the reaction I was looking for!" It's a trap. It's like that saying, "Expectations lead to disappointment" or whatever it is. As if I can prescribe how I want someone to react, especially when I'm so intent on not worrying about their prescription for me.
But it's interesting when people see it - reactions range from "Oh wow, I really like it!" to "Oh. K." and I stop myself and think, It's not about them. It's not about someone else's reaction. But I stay here for a moment because I want it to be meaningful for other people too, though that's entirely out of my control.
Not everything I do, in fact probably not much of what I do, is going to get a resounding Oh my gosh I just love it so much, you're just so great. And I don't need it to. I find my worth in God, and in who He has created me to be. He says He's pleased with His creation. That's enough for me.
Saw that the other day. I really like it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
But my thoughts today are about something different.
I've been thinking a lot lately about who we do things for. Am I funny because I want to be or because I think other people expect me to be, or want me to be? Am I going to this party because I feel like I have to or because I actually want to be there? Am I being true to myself?
So easily we can find ourselves doing something for the wrong reasons. And I think part of it has to do with this idea that if we do what WE want, what's right for OURSELVES, we're somehow being selfish and self-centered. But you know what? I think there's a healthy level of self-centered-ness. Who else should I be centered around??
When I went in last summer with a different idea, but still with writing on my left wrist, the artist said "So you want it upside down?" and I thought.. no.. this is right-side-up... if it was the other direction it'd be for other people to read it.. the meaning is for me to read.
It got me thinking. Who is this really for? And it's always been for me, which is why it was always facing this direction. But who would get a tattoo facing the other way, so other people can see it? My mind got sassy and thought Who cares about other people seeing it? It's for me.
Where is my motivation? Do I put one foot in front of the other to please others, to do what they think I should do, or for what I know to be right for me?
It feels good to say that I'm confident at this point (have worked toward it) that most of the time, I do what I do, say what I say, wear what I wear, etc. etc. for me. Other people agreeing, enjoying, whatever, is icing on the cake. But is not the goal.
But man, it's a process to get to that point. And I still struggle with it. But this new ink in my skin is another good reminder that my life is my own, no one else has to live it, and I should do what I do for me.
Similarly is the reaction I get from people when they see it. Trouble with me (I get this from my mom) is having an expectation or ideal for someone's reaction to something. Whether it be a joke I want them to find funny, or a story I want them to find interesting, or a tattoo that has a lot of meaning for me. My mom and I joke "I didn't get the reaction I was looking for!" It's a trap. It's like that saying, "Expectations lead to disappointment" or whatever it is. As if I can prescribe how I want someone to react, especially when I'm so intent on not worrying about their prescription for me.
But it's interesting when people see it - reactions range from "Oh wow, I really like it!" to "Oh. K." and I stop myself and think, It's not about them. It's not about someone else's reaction. But I stay here for a moment because I want it to be meaningful for other people too, though that's entirely out of my control.
Not everything I do, in fact probably not much of what I do, is going to get a resounding Oh my gosh I just love it so much, you're just so great. And I don't need it to. I find my worth in God, and in who He has created me to be. He says He's pleased with His creation. That's enough for me.
Monday, January 16, 2012
read and spoken
Ahhhhh sigh.
There's been a few things I've read in the last few days that have really spoken to me. So I'll jot them down here..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why Lying Broken on your Bedroom Floor is a Good Idea
Posted by Anne Van de Water | Category: Uncategorized | No Comments
Here is an amazing article that I recently read in Elephant Journal…So powerful. So true. So just what we all need to hear…
The Goddess of never not broken.
You know that feeling when you have just gone through a breakup, or lost your job, and everything is terrible and terrifying and you don’t know what to do, and you find yourself crying in a pile on your bedroom floor, barely able to remember how to use the phone, desperately looking for some sign of God in old letters, or your Facebook newsfeed or on Glee, finding nothing there to comfort you?
Come on, yes you do. We all do.
And there is a goddess from Hindu mythology that teaches us that, in this moment, in this pile on the floor, you are more powerful than you’ve ever been.
This past week, I have been deeply inspired by a talk I heard on the Yoga Teacher Telesummit by Eric Stoneberg on this relatively unknown Goddess from Hindu mythology: Akhilandeshvari.
This figure has snuck up inside me and settled into my bones. She keeps coming out of my mouth every time I teach, and she’s given me so much strength and possibility during a time of change and uncertainty in my own life. I wanted to unpack a little bit about who she is for those that might be, like me, struggling a little bit in that pile on the floor and wondering how the hell to get up again.
The answer, it turns out, is this: in pieces, warrior-style, on the back of a crocodile. Yee ha.
Akhilandeshvari:
“Ishvari” in Sanskrit means “goddess” or “female power,” and the “Akhilanda” means essentially “never not broken.” In other words, The Always Broken Goddess. Sanskrit is a tricky and amazing language, and I love that the double negative here means that she is broken right down to her name.
But this isn’t the kind of broken that indicates weakness and terror.
It’s the kind of broken that tears apart all the stuff that gets us stuck in toxic routines, repeating the same relationships and habits over and over, rather than diving into the scary process of trying something new and unfathomable.
Akhilanda derives her power from being broken: in flux, pulling herself apart, living in different, constant selves at the same time, from never becoming a whole that has limitations.
The thing about going through sudden or scary or sad transitions (like a breakup) is that one of the things you lose is your future: your expectations of what the story of your life so far was going to become. When you lose that partner or that job or that person, your future dissolves in front of you.
And of course, this is terrifying.
But look, Akhilanda says, now you get to make a choice. In pieces, in a pile on the floor, with no idea how to go forward, your expectations of the future are meaningless. Your stories about the past do not apply. You are in flux, you are changing, you are flowing in a new way, and this is an incredibly powerful opportunity to become new again: to choose how you want to put yourself back together. Confusion can be an incredible teacher—how could you ever learn if you already had it all figured out?
This goddess has another interesting attribute, which is, of course, her ride: a crocodile.
Crocodiles are interesting in two ways: Firstly, Stoneberg explains that the crocodile represents our reptilian brain, which is where we feel fear. Secondly, the predatory power of a crocodile is not located in their huge jaws, but rather that they pluck their prey from the banks of the river, take it into the water, and spin it until it is disoriented. They whirl that prey like a dervish seeking God, they use the power of spin rather than brute force to feed themselves.
By riding on this spinning, predatory, fearsome creature, Akhilanda refuses to reject her fear, nor does she let it control her. She rides on it. She gets on this animal that lives inside the river, inside the flow. She takes her fear down to the river and uses its power to navigate the waves, and spins in the never not broken water. Akhilanda shows us that this is beautiful. Stoneberg writes:
Akhilanda is also sometimes described in our lineage like a spinning, multi-faceted prism. Imagine the Hope Diamond twirling in a bright, clear light. The light pouring through the beveled cuts of the diamond would create a whirling rainbow of color. The diamond is whole and complete and BECAUSE it’s fractured, it creates more diverse beauty. Its form is a spectrum of whirling color.
That means that this feeling of confusion and brokenness that every human has felt at some time or another in our lives is a source of beauty and colour and new reflections and possibilities.
If everything remained the same, if we walked along the same path down to the river every day until there was a groove there (as we do; in Sanskrit this is called Samskara, habits or even “some scars”), this routine would become so limited, so toxic to us that, well, the crocs would catch on, and we’d get plucked from the banks, spun and eaten.
So now is the time, this time of confusion and brokenness and fear and sadness, to get up on that fear, ride it down to the river, dip into the waves, and let yourself break. Become a prism.
All the places where you’ve shattered can now reflect light and colour where there was none. Now is the time to become something new, to choose a new whole.
But remember Akhilanda’s lesson: even that new whole, that new, colourful, amazing groove that we create, is an illusion. It means nothing unless we can keep on breaking apart and putting ourselves together again as many times as we need to. We are already “never not broken.” We were never a consistent, limited whole. In our brokenness, we are unlimited. And that means we are amazing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Patience child, patience. Remember, life is a journey. If you got everything you wanted all at once there'd be no point to living. Enjoy the ride, and in the end you'll see these "setbacks" as giant leaps forward, only you couldn't see the bigger picture in the moment. Remain calm, all is within reach; all you have to do is show up every day, stay true to your path and you will surely find the treasure you seek."
- Jackson Kiddard
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You can't chase a man. Women who have a feminine core shine with their radiance and the right man will be attracted to her like a moth to the flame. But in many women's insecurity, they don't give a man the right amount of time or space to pursue them, so they end up pursuing a man - which is not in their nature if they have a feminine core. I'm reminded of something Tony Robbins said at Date With Destiny. He said, "A lot of women are too busy being a good man to attract one". And this is how many women are in the West today. They are super awesome at making stuff happen and achieving what they think is how to create and attract their ideal man. But, if you have a feminine core, your natural essence isn't to pursue, but to be pursued. She was in touch with that place inside her that knew that her soulmate wasn't just going to come along, but her soulmate is going to BE where she is going and that she doesn't have to DO anything to find him except be her beautiful, amazing, awesome radiant self. So, are you trying to produce your love life? Can you let it go and trust that the right one will show up in perfect time? Can you know that because you exist and so does your desire for love that your soulmate exists, too?
-The Daily Love 1.12.12
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The key to any relationship or partnership is trust. And there is one aspect of trust that I think is most important is trusting that when moments of anger, sadness or frustration come up that the relationship is safe enough that each person can express their truth without the threat of the other person leaving the relationship if that happens.
It’s okay to be fully expressed in how you feel, and just because someone is sad, angry or going through something, that doesn’t have to equate to “I’m leaving you”. Somewhere in my brain I equated sadness and anger to being abandoned. The lesson was: I can feel this way, still Love you, be committed to staying with you and also Love myself enough to feel the feelings that I was feeling.
So, my question for you today is: can you express your truth in your relationships? Do people make you feel wrong for doing that? Do you link up anger/sadness with being abandoned? Do you avoid telling the truth because you are afraid that your relationship is going to fall apart if you do? And do you have the courage to let the truth out anyways, knowing that when you do, you will either come closer together, or split – because of the TRUTH!?
-The Daily Love 1.16.12
There's been a few things I've read in the last few days that have really spoken to me. So I'll jot them down here..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why Lying Broken on your Bedroom Floor is a Good Idea
Posted by Anne Van de Water | Category: Uncategorized | No Comments
Here is an amazing article that I recently read in Elephant Journal…So powerful. So true. So just what we all need to hear…
The Goddess of never not broken.
You know that feeling when you have just gone through a breakup, or lost your job, and everything is terrible and terrifying and you don’t know what to do, and you find yourself crying in a pile on your bedroom floor, barely able to remember how to use the phone, desperately looking for some sign of God in old letters, or your Facebook newsfeed or on Glee, finding nothing there to comfort you?
Come on, yes you do. We all do.
And there is a goddess from Hindu mythology that teaches us that, in this moment, in this pile on the floor, you are more powerful than you’ve ever been.
This past week, I have been deeply inspired by a talk I heard on the Yoga Teacher Telesummit by Eric Stoneberg on this relatively unknown Goddess from Hindu mythology: Akhilandeshvari.
This figure has snuck up inside me and settled into my bones. She keeps coming out of my mouth every time I teach, and she’s given me so much strength and possibility during a time of change and uncertainty in my own life. I wanted to unpack a little bit about who she is for those that might be, like me, struggling a little bit in that pile on the floor and wondering how the hell to get up again.
The answer, it turns out, is this: in pieces, warrior-style, on the back of a crocodile. Yee ha.
Akhilandeshvari:
“Ishvari” in Sanskrit means “goddess” or “female power,” and the “Akhilanda” means essentially “never not broken.” In other words, The Always Broken Goddess. Sanskrit is a tricky and amazing language, and I love that the double negative here means that she is broken right down to her name.
But this isn’t the kind of broken that indicates weakness and terror.
It’s the kind of broken that tears apart all the stuff that gets us stuck in toxic routines, repeating the same relationships and habits over and over, rather than diving into the scary process of trying something new and unfathomable.
Akhilanda derives her power from being broken: in flux, pulling herself apart, living in different, constant selves at the same time, from never becoming a whole that has limitations.
The thing about going through sudden or scary or sad transitions (like a breakup) is that one of the things you lose is your future: your expectations of what the story of your life so far was going to become. When you lose that partner or that job or that person, your future dissolves in front of you.
And of course, this is terrifying.
But look, Akhilanda says, now you get to make a choice. In pieces, in a pile on the floor, with no idea how to go forward, your expectations of the future are meaningless. Your stories about the past do not apply. You are in flux, you are changing, you are flowing in a new way, and this is an incredibly powerful opportunity to become new again: to choose how you want to put yourself back together. Confusion can be an incredible teacher—how could you ever learn if you already had it all figured out?
This goddess has another interesting attribute, which is, of course, her ride: a crocodile.
Crocodiles are interesting in two ways: Firstly, Stoneberg explains that the crocodile represents our reptilian brain, which is where we feel fear. Secondly, the predatory power of a crocodile is not located in their huge jaws, but rather that they pluck their prey from the banks of the river, take it into the water, and spin it until it is disoriented. They whirl that prey like a dervish seeking God, they use the power of spin rather than brute force to feed themselves.
By riding on this spinning, predatory, fearsome creature, Akhilanda refuses to reject her fear, nor does she let it control her. She rides on it. She gets on this animal that lives inside the river, inside the flow. She takes her fear down to the river and uses its power to navigate the waves, and spins in the never not broken water. Akhilanda shows us that this is beautiful. Stoneberg writes:
Akhilanda is also sometimes described in our lineage like a spinning, multi-faceted prism. Imagine the Hope Diamond twirling in a bright, clear light. The light pouring through the beveled cuts of the diamond would create a whirling rainbow of color. The diamond is whole and complete and BECAUSE it’s fractured, it creates more diverse beauty. Its form is a spectrum of whirling color.
That means that this feeling of confusion and brokenness that every human has felt at some time or another in our lives is a source of beauty and colour and new reflections and possibilities.
If everything remained the same, if we walked along the same path down to the river every day until there was a groove there (as we do; in Sanskrit this is called Samskara, habits or even “some scars”), this routine would become so limited, so toxic to us that, well, the crocs would catch on, and we’d get plucked from the banks, spun and eaten.
So now is the time, this time of confusion and brokenness and fear and sadness, to get up on that fear, ride it down to the river, dip into the waves, and let yourself break. Become a prism.
All the places where you’ve shattered can now reflect light and colour where there was none. Now is the time to become something new, to choose a new whole.
But remember Akhilanda’s lesson: even that new whole, that new, colourful, amazing groove that we create, is an illusion. It means nothing unless we can keep on breaking apart and putting ourselves together again as many times as we need to. We are already “never not broken.” We were never a consistent, limited whole. In our brokenness, we are unlimited. And that means we are amazing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Patience child, patience. Remember, life is a journey. If you got everything you wanted all at once there'd be no point to living. Enjoy the ride, and in the end you'll see these "setbacks" as giant leaps forward, only you couldn't see the bigger picture in the moment. Remain calm, all is within reach; all you have to do is show up every day, stay true to your path and you will surely find the treasure you seek."
- Jackson Kiddard
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You can't chase a man. Women who have a feminine core shine with their radiance and the right man will be attracted to her like a moth to the flame. But in many women's insecurity, they don't give a man the right amount of time or space to pursue them, so they end up pursuing a man - which is not in their nature if they have a feminine core. I'm reminded of something Tony Robbins said at Date With Destiny. He said, "A lot of women are too busy being a good man to attract one". And this is how many women are in the West today. They are super awesome at making stuff happen and achieving what they think is how to create and attract their ideal man. But, if you have a feminine core, your natural essence isn't to pursue, but to be pursued. She was in touch with that place inside her that knew that her soulmate wasn't just going to come along, but her soulmate is going to BE where she is going and that she doesn't have to DO anything to find him except be her beautiful, amazing, awesome radiant self. So, are you trying to produce your love life? Can you let it go and trust that the right one will show up in perfect time? Can you know that because you exist and so does your desire for love that your soulmate exists, too?
-The Daily Love 1.12.12
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The key to any relationship or partnership is trust. And there is one aspect of trust that I think is most important is trusting that when moments of anger, sadness or frustration come up that the relationship is safe enough that each person can express their truth without the threat of the other person leaving the relationship if that happens.
It’s okay to be fully expressed in how you feel, and just because someone is sad, angry or going through something, that doesn’t have to equate to “I’m leaving you”. Somewhere in my brain I equated sadness and anger to being abandoned. The lesson was: I can feel this way, still Love you, be committed to staying with you and also Love myself enough to feel the feelings that I was feeling.
So, my question for you today is: can you express your truth in your relationships? Do people make you feel wrong for doing that? Do you link up anger/sadness with being abandoned? Do you avoid telling the truth because you are afraid that your relationship is going to fall apart if you do? And do you have the courage to let the truth out anyways, knowing that when you do, you will either come closer together, or split – because of the TRUTH!?
-The Daily Love 1.16.12
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