forgetting

Sometimes I forget this.

Okay, I forget this a lot. Especially lately.

Not that I forget that I have it, I love that I have it.

I forget the meaning. The truth.

Sometimes I feel terribly unlovable. But more importantly, terribly unloved. 

And in a way that people in my life can't fill. And I think that's the point.

It's a God-shaped emptiness. 

But it's a not seeing it, on my part. A mild turning-away. A forgetting. A not-acknowledging. Not living in it. Not accepting it. 

A going through the motions. A to do list life. 

I've found myself at this place many times before. Days become cumbersome to themselves. Everything is a task and I'm not getting enough checked off. Every conversation is a chore. Making plans? Forget it. 

I'm not sure exactly what I need to break this, but it's been taken care of in the past, so I know it will again. 

But I need to remember. Unending love, amazing grace. I never earned it. It's not about my worth then, now, or ever. In every situation, it's there. And I get to choose to live in it. Breathe it in.