open hands

I've had this visual in my head for a couple weeks now of open hands.

Open hands to receive, and open hands to let go.

Letting go of control, letting God take it, and letting Him give me what He wants me to have.

It's not my own. It's not created by me. It's not controlled by me. It's not mine to own.

It's really powerful, I've found, when praying (consciously, which is different than my normal state where I feel like God hears the cries of my heart before I even need to say them), but when praying for something specific, or feeling a moment where I really need to give something to Him.. to sit with my head bowed and my hands open, resting on top of my knees. It's a powerful feeling. A total surrender.

This life, plans, everything, it's not about me.

I feel like in the last couple of weeks I've been going through a lot of crap, but at the same time.. trying to take some of it back.. trying to.. not control it, but just, looking to myself too much. I think there's a balance there. But balance is hard for me to come by it seems. I tend to be at one extreme or another. God's working on this, I can feel it. But with all the emotional junk.. and constant, constant introspection.. I was looking at me pretty much all the time. What happens is then I miss out on the life around me. Believe it or not, Tamara, the world goes on without you partaking in it. And man alive, time is flying by. I don't need to do anything to miss out on the short life that I get to spend on earth as it is. (Who knows how long it will be for that matter. Who knows? It'll be just as long as He wants it to be.)

But introspection has its limits. Constraints. There comes a point when it's time to say "You know what, that's enough. I can't think about this stuff anymore and I can't be so concerned about myself." I was driving to my parents' house on Friday and just enjoying the time driving and listening to music. I looked around the highway I was on, heading out of the city, and I said out loud to myself (and Jack the cat since he was in the car), "This is life. And this is worth living." It was what I needed to say and needed to hear, all in one.

It's amazing how God uses conversations and other people in our lives to tell us what we need to hear. Had an amazing conversation on Friday morning with a dear friend. She gets me, let me tell you. She was one of the first people to call my bluff on always saying that I was good when asked how I was doing. I'd say, "I'm good!" and she'd smile and say, "Are you?" and I'd still say yes, albeit not as happy-go-lucky and little like.. whoa.. she knows more about me than I thought.. and really more than I realized about myself at the time.

We had a great conversation on introspection, joy, and gratitude. I've since been writing two things each day that I'm grateful for. See, I had conceptualized happy things and joy-giving things as being fulfilling, and sure, they are, but sometimes that's not the tidy package that they come in. Sometimes it comes down to being thankful for little, intangible things.

So far I've been grateful for:
Friday
1. Fun and love with my parents
2. The love of my cat, Jack
Saturday
3. The fun and joy that dancing gives me
4. Best friends' smiles and happiness
Sunday
5. God's confidence in me
6. The privilege to be a part of an amazing church community

Do those things bring me happiness? Sure. Joy? Yeah. But it's a reframing for me. It's not about the concert I'm going to this weekend, or that one specific thing that happened last week, things like that.

Wow, I'm just catching on. It's the things that I can't make happen. I can't force it. I can't manufacture it. I can't even plan it really. It just happens. It's out of my hands. Hmm.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I finished Mere Christianity today. Whoa boy. I'm excited to write about it. Yeah, still a few books behind, I know. Well aware. And that drives the Type A part of me a little crazy, but eh. Whut ya gon do.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had another great experience driving this weekend. Last night coming back from my parents' house. I was of course thinking about everything, as in everything. My brain, I tell you. Man alive. So anyway, thinking about a lot of things. Did you get that? Lots of stuff? Okay okay. And feeling, so-so. Up and down. And I got to thinking... oh was doing that. Yup, thinking. (See here is where editing would come in handy, but not doing it!)

So God really said to me in the car.. IT'S OKAY. And I cried and said it out loud, some 20 times. "It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's all okay."

It's okay to be sad. It's okay to be introspective. It's okay to want sadness to be over. It's okay to look on the bright side sometimes. It's okay to climb out of the hole you're in. It's okay. It's okay to not be sure. It's okay to miss the idea of something that mattered to you. It's okay. It's okay to be right where you're at, right now. It's okay to not be sure how you'll move forward. It's okay to feel overwhelmed. It's okay. It's okay to not want to feel that way anymore. It's okay to want to be happy. It's okay to get EXCITED.

That's something I've really been thinking about. Hesitating, even an inability to get excited about something coming up. Because it might not happen. Well sure, anything might not happen. Does that mean that you go through life ambivalent?! Hello. Life is meant to be lived. I think I was running into trusting myself instead of God. And really, actually not even trusting myself, but trusting no one, and nothing.

Because really, I have some really amazing things happening in my life right now. And they deserve to be celebrated and acknowledged. It's beyond looking on the bright side, because this is reality. These are blessings that God has put in my life. And to not be excited about them.. that's really missing out on a lot.

1. I have the most amazing job in the world. The most wonderful bosses, coworkers, flexible hours, my own beautiful office, a mission I believe in, and a cause that matters to me.
2. I am working on my master's degree in the field that I have been passionate about for a decade. I have amazing professors, fellow students, and classes that challenge me and make me think. I can't help but smile when I talk about school.
3. I am a part of the most amazing church community I have ever known. I thank God for the postcard that came in the mail in August of 2009. I am getting increasingly involved as the weeks go by and I couldn't be happier about it. The leadership skills that I have always pushed aside are being pushed aside no longer, I am embracing the gifts God has given me and it feels amazing. I prayed from stage today in front of 50 people and it felt amazing. I've never done that. In fact, I had feared it for most of my life. I had a therapist when I was around 12 years old tell me that I didn't pray right. I was in a family session with my parents and she asked me to pray, and I started to and she stopped me and said I needed to be more directive.. say more "Father"s and "Lord"s and "Jesus"s. I've stopped praying in front of others since. If I was asked to, I would kindly decline. God changed all of that through all of this. It started one Monday during a message mapping session when I was asked to pray. I prayed in front of 3 others. Then I was asked to pray during a circle-up before a gathering on a Sunday morning. I prayed in front of 15 others. Then I was asked to do the welcome on a Sunday gathering. Today I prayed in front of 50 others. God, You are good. He is preparing me. He's preparing me for things I don't even know that are in store. Whens, hows, wheres, whats aside. He's got it in His hands, and those are the hands I want it in.
4. I have a beautiful apartment. Though it's not my own, I love my room. There is a stirring in me lately to find my own space. I don't know how practical that is.. since I'm extremely picky about where I want to live and what I want the space to be like.. and also a tiny budget. But we'll see!

Here. Let's do this:

I'M EXCITED:
1. To see my therapist tomorrow
2. To take the day off of work tomorrow (since I'm working Saturday)
3. To do homework tomorrow (nerd alert)
4. To meet up with a friend from school to look over said homework
5. To message map with amazing people and use the experiences and life God has given me to contribute to the message

And I know full well that none of the above might go exactly as how I think they should (honestly I don't even have an idea of what I think they should go like..) but that it will be good however it goes. I'm excited. He can take it all from me, and give me what He wants. I want what He wants. Because He has it ALL.