whose agenda?

In John 5 at the end of verse 30 Jesus says,

I'm committed to pursuing God's agenda and not My own.

I wrote a big AMEN next to that. :)

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I like to think linearly. A + B = C kind of thing. So let's think about this linearly.

If as Christians, we are to be Christ-like (like Christ), and Christ Himself said He is committed to pursuing God's agenda and not His own.. ... do you see where I'm going with this?

It's not about me, or my plan (read: agenda).

love letter

A blog that I follow posted this. I think it fits well with V-day being yesterday.

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The Best Love Letter Ever

My Child,

You may not know me, but I know everything about you. Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up. Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways. Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image. Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being. Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring. Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived. Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation. Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live. Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother’s womb. Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born. Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented by those who don’t know me. John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love. 1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. 1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child and I am your Father. 1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father. Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love. Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore. Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you. Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession. Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul. Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things. Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires. Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine. Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager. 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you. Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart. Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. Revelation 21:3-4

And I’ll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth. Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus. John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being. Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you. Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you. 1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love. Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me. 1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you from my love again. Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I’ll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen. Luke 15:7

I have always been Father, and will always be Father. Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is… Will you be my child? John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you. Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad
Almighty God

open hands

I've had this visual in my head for a couple weeks now of open hands.

Open hands to receive, and open hands to let go.

Letting go of control, letting God take it, and letting Him give me what He wants me to have.

It's not my own. It's not created by me. It's not controlled by me. It's not mine to own.

It's really powerful, I've found, when praying (consciously, which is different than my normal state where I feel like God hears the cries of my heart before I even need to say them), but when praying for something specific, or feeling a moment where I really need to give something to Him.. to sit with my head bowed and my hands open, resting on top of my knees. It's a powerful feeling. A total surrender.

This life, plans, everything, it's not about me.

I feel like in the last couple of weeks I've been going through a lot of crap, but at the same time.. trying to take some of it back.. trying to.. not control it, but just, looking to myself too much. I think there's a balance there. But balance is hard for me to come by it seems. I tend to be at one extreme or another. God's working on this, I can feel it. But with all the emotional junk.. and constant, constant introspection.. I was looking at me pretty much all the time. What happens is then I miss out on the life around me. Believe it or not, Tamara, the world goes on without you partaking in it. And man alive, time is flying by. I don't need to do anything to miss out on the short life that I get to spend on earth as it is. (Who knows how long it will be for that matter. Who knows? It'll be just as long as He wants it to be.)

But introspection has its limits. Constraints. There comes a point when it's time to say "You know what, that's enough. I can't think about this stuff anymore and I can't be so concerned about myself." I was driving to my parents' house on Friday and just enjoying the time driving and listening to music. I looked around the highway I was on, heading out of the city, and I said out loud to myself (and Jack the cat since he was in the car), "This is life. And this is worth living." It was what I needed to say and needed to hear, all in one.

It's amazing how God uses conversations and other people in our lives to tell us what we need to hear. Had an amazing conversation on Friday morning with a dear friend. She gets me, let me tell you. She was one of the first people to call my bluff on always saying that I was good when asked how I was doing. I'd say, "I'm good!" and she'd smile and say, "Are you?" and I'd still say yes, albeit not as happy-go-lucky and little like.. whoa.. she knows more about me than I thought.. and really more than I realized about myself at the time.

We had a great conversation on introspection, joy, and gratitude. I've since been writing two things each day that I'm grateful for. See, I had conceptualized happy things and joy-giving things as being fulfilling, and sure, they are, but sometimes that's not the tidy package that they come in. Sometimes it comes down to being thankful for little, intangible things.

So far I've been grateful for:
Friday
1. Fun and love with my parents
2. The love of my cat, Jack
Saturday
3. The fun and joy that dancing gives me
4. Best friends' smiles and happiness
Sunday
5. God's confidence in me
6. The privilege to be a part of an amazing church community

Do those things bring me happiness? Sure. Joy? Yeah. But it's a reframing for me. It's not about the concert I'm going to this weekend, or that one specific thing that happened last week, things like that.

Wow, I'm just catching on. It's the things that I can't make happen. I can't force it. I can't manufacture it. I can't even plan it really. It just happens. It's out of my hands. Hmm.

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I finished Mere Christianity today. Whoa boy. I'm excited to write about it. Yeah, still a few books behind, I know. Well aware. And that drives the Type A part of me a little crazy, but eh. Whut ya gon do.

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I had another great experience driving this weekend. Last night coming back from my parents' house. I was of course thinking about everything, as in everything. My brain, I tell you. Man alive. So anyway, thinking about a lot of things. Did you get that? Lots of stuff? Okay okay. And feeling, so-so. Up and down. And I got to thinking... oh was doing that. Yup, thinking. (See here is where editing would come in handy, but not doing it!)

So God really said to me in the car.. IT'S OKAY. And I cried and said it out loud, some 20 times. "It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's all okay."

It's okay to be sad. It's okay to be introspective. It's okay to want sadness to be over. It's okay to look on the bright side sometimes. It's okay to climb out of the hole you're in. It's okay. It's okay to not be sure. It's okay to miss the idea of something that mattered to you. It's okay. It's okay to be right where you're at, right now. It's okay to not be sure how you'll move forward. It's okay to feel overwhelmed. It's okay. It's okay to not want to feel that way anymore. It's okay to want to be happy. It's okay to get EXCITED.

That's something I've really been thinking about. Hesitating, even an inability to get excited about something coming up. Because it might not happen. Well sure, anything might not happen. Does that mean that you go through life ambivalent?! Hello. Life is meant to be lived. I think I was running into trusting myself instead of God. And really, actually not even trusting myself, but trusting no one, and nothing.

Because really, I have some really amazing things happening in my life right now. And they deserve to be celebrated and acknowledged. It's beyond looking on the bright side, because this is reality. These are blessings that God has put in my life. And to not be excited about them.. that's really missing out on a lot.

1. I have the most amazing job in the world. The most wonderful bosses, coworkers, flexible hours, my own beautiful office, a mission I believe in, and a cause that matters to me.
2. I am working on my master's degree in the field that I have been passionate about for a decade. I have amazing professors, fellow students, and classes that challenge me and make me think. I can't help but smile when I talk about school.
3. I am a part of the most amazing church community I have ever known. I thank God for the postcard that came in the mail in August of 2009. I am getting increasingly involved as the weeks go by and I couldn't be happier about it. The leadership skills that I have always pushed aside are being pushed aside no longer, I am embracing the gifts God has given me and it feels amazing. I prayed from stage today in front of 50 people and it felt amazing. I've never done that. In fact, I had feared it for most of my life. I had a therapist when I was around 12 years old tell me that I didn't pray right. I was in a family session with my parents and she asked me to pray, and I started to and she stopped me and said I needed to be more directive.. say more "Father"s and "Lord"s and "Jesus"s. I've stopped praying in front of others since. If I was asked to, I would kindly decline. God changed all of that through all of this. It started one Monday during a message mapping session when I was asked to pray. I prayed in front of 3 others. Then I was asked to pray during a circle-up before a gathering on a Sunday morning. I prayed in front of 15 others. Then I was asked to do the welcome on a Sunday gathering. Today I prayed in front of 50 others. God, You are good. He is preparing me. He's preparing me for things I don't even know that are in store. Whens, hows, wheres, whats aside. He's got it in His hands, and those are the hands I want it in.
4. I have a beautiful apartment. Though it's not my own, I love my room. There is a stirring in me lately to find my own space. I don't know how practical that is.. since I'm extremely picky about where I want to live and what I want the space to be like.. and also a tiny budget. But we'll see!

Here. Let's do this:

I'M EXCITED:
1. To see my therapist tomorrow
2. To take the day off of work tomorrow (since I'm working Saturday)
3. To do homework tomorrow (nerd alert)
4. To meet up with a friend from school to look over said homework
5. To message map with amazing people and use the experiences and life God has given me to contribute to the message

And I know full well that none of the above might go exactly as how I think they should (honestly I don't even have an idea of what I think they should go like..) but that it will be good however it goes. I'm excited. He can take it all from me, and give me what He wants. I want what He wants. Because He has it ALL.

understanding and control

It's not about me understanding. Not about me understanding my path or anyone else's. I said this months ago when this whole thing started. IT IS NOT ABOUT ME UNDERSTANDING. But accepting. Hands open. Open hands to what He has for me, to give to me, or to take from me. This life is not my own. Nothing is permanent. I can't cling to it. It's all His, given to me to share with the world and to hold as long as He wants me to, but that doesn't mean that I can cling to it for life. He takes things away for a reason. He also gives things for a reason. It's about trust, acceptance, and being open.

Let it go. Give it to Him. Leave it up to Him. I don't need the control. I don't want the control, not really. I know that's not what's best. I know that ultimately, having the control doesn't feel good.

sleep

I go to a discussion group called Socrates Cafe and tonight's question was, "What's so bad about giving up?" The conversation went all over the board, from giving up related to death, giving up as in failure, giving up as in letting go of possessions. It was amazing. It always is. But tonight was especially for me.

Talking about struggle, that struggle is painful. It'd be easier to give up. We're taught to avoid pain. But we have to hurt in order to heal. 

(I like the fact that the guy who said the above was someone I hadn't particularly warmed to, in a philosophical stance sort of way, but this goes to show how little we actually know about someone, when we think we have them figured out.)

That we have to "lay down," as in acceptance. My life is not my own. 

It's about discernment, and wisdom, prudence, and courage to know when to give up. It's not about being on one side or the other. 

Every time we make a decision, we are giving up something.

It's about accepting that you cannot do it on your own, and asking for help.

Practical wisdom: what works in one situation might work best opposite in the next situation.

And my favorite part of all was a poem that was shared. It is God speaking:

Charles Peguy - Sleep

Human wisdom says "Don’t put off until tomorrow
What can be done the very same day."
But I tell you that he who knows how to put off until tomorrow
Is the most agreeable to God
He who sleeps like a child
Is also he who sleeps like my darling Hope.
And I tell you Put off until tomorrow
Those worries and those troubles which are gnawing at you today
Put off until tomorrow those sobs that choke you
When you see today’s unhappiness.
Those sobs which rise up and strangle you.
Put off until tomorrow those tears which fill your eyes and your head,
Flooding you, rolling down your cheeks,
those tears which stream down your cheeks.
Because between now and tomorrow,
maybe I, God, will have passed by your way.
Human wisdom says: Woe to the man who puts off
what he has to do until tomorrow.
And I say Blessed, blessed is the man who puts off
what he has to do until tomorrow.
Blessed is he who puts off. That is to say,
blessed is he who hopes. And who sleeps.

let go

This is a poem that my therapist gave to me years ago. I had it posted on my mirror in my bedroom, and for the past two and a half years it's been on the back of my door, I see it every morning.

Let Go

Let go of that nagging feeling that something could go wrong. For whatever may happen, you can always choose a way to move forward.

Let go of your resentment and anger over things that are beyond your control. Do the very best with where you are, with what you have, and that will be more than enough.

Let go of the pain you carry from things that happened long ago. Allow yourself to experience the glorious freedom of forgiveness.

Let go of the needs that you don't really need, that keep your life so anxious and complicated. Find real fulfillment not in getting, but in being.

Let go of the regrets, the disappointments and distress. Choose to follow the very best of the possibilities that beckon you forward.

Let go of all of the excuses for not living fully. Give beauty and meaning to the life and the world that you're in right now.

God wants you to live and He wants you to be happy. Let GOD work on people that need to be worked on. Just pray pray pray and He will hear you. He will change people in His time.