transitions

I'm feeling a major time of transition at this point in my life.

Here I am, looking up how to become a family mediator. Changes are happening at work (facilitated by me) to change what I do and pass on the administrative program duties to a good friend of mine within the agency. I will have the opportunity to start up my own children's support group (exciting! and terrifying!) and take on other projects for the organization.

While I'm very excited to be moving forward to new challenges, I'm also very sad. It's an interesting feeling because all of this change is being brought into my life because I chose it. No one told me I had to change what I do. I just had this feeling about a month ago that I wanted to start a children's group and I wanted to no longer being doing the day-to-day duties that I've been doing for 5 years. And I'm quite excited to not be paying attention to all those details anymore, but sad because I don't like change and I've got such a good system worked out for the program. My sanity is saved because I'll be training my successor who I know very well and she is as detail-oriented as I am so she will be just fine. It's more the unknown that I feel uneasy about.

But if I can find the excitement in it.. Because it's there.

The desire being planted in my heart to start a kid's support group...
The desire being planted in my heart to become a family mediator (possibly even during grad school, through a separate program)

Just all of this desire to move on, move forward..

It's being facilitated in part because at the end of April I'm hitting my 5 year anniversary at work. It feels like a good time, a good substantial amount of time invested in it and just a good turning point for the next step.

It's one of those things where you know it's totally right, and yet it feels.. unsettled.

I have no doubt it's the right thing, but I have moments where I want to hold on to what I have right now with such white knuckles because it's what I know and it's what's safe.

But sometimes you have to let go to really move forward into new, good possibilities.

potential

"You have all you need within you to become the best version of yourself. Anything that inspires you is an outward reflection of the potential within you. Cultivate in your own life, in your own way, the qualities and greatness you see in others and pretty soon you will be living a life that is your personal version of greatness. Your work is to apply yourself everyday and don't look back."

- Jackson Kiddard

forgetting

Sometimes I forget this.

Okay, I forget this a lot. Especially lately.

Not that I forget that I have it, I love that I have it.

I forget the meaning. The truth.

Sometimes I feel terribly unlovable. But more importantly, terribly unloved. 

And in a way that people in my life can't fill. And I think that's the point.

It's a God-shaped emptiness. 

But it's a not seeing it, on my part. A mild turning-away. A forgetting. A not-acknowledging. Not living in it. Not accepting it. 

A going through the motions. A to do list life. 

I've found myself at this place many times before. Days become cumbersome to themselves. Everything is a task and I'm not getting enough checked off. Every conversation is a chore. Making plans? Forget it. 

I'm not sure exactly what I need to break this, but it's been taken care of in the past, so I know it will again. 

But I need to remember. Unending love, amazing grace. I never earned it. It's not about my worth then, now, or ever. In every situation, it's there. And I get to choose to live in it. Breathe it in.

subtle uneasiness

"What does patience feel like? It's a subtle unfolding with time as your ally. You feel relaxed and trust that it will all work out, even if in this very moment, there's no clear path to the end. It feels like the subtle uneasiness of allowing all you're uncomfortable with to be exactly as it is."
- Jackson Kiddard